Too much to be thankful for

Whew! It's been a while huh?! I feel like I always start my posts this way... hmmm. Anyway, Happy Thanksgiving to all, and let the madness begin :) I really don't know where the money is going to come from this year. Last year I just charged stuff, which I refuse to do this year - trying to maintain the debt-free status as I enter my marriage. Well, technically I'm nowhere NEAR debt-free (about $20K in undergrad loans, soon to be multiplied many times over!) but in terms of credit card debt, that's just unnecessary and I refuse. So I apologize to everyone in advance if your Christmas gift is lame (or non-existent...).

Quite frankly - if I may be frank with you all - I'm already starting to regret our wedding budget. It's too late to scale back now, but holy crap. Is this amount of money REALLY necessary for ONE day? I know it's the most important day of my life thus far - trust me, I KNOW - but it really is one day, one party, and then we're left with nothing because we poured it all into the wedding. I just wish we had left ourselves some breathing room. I'm literally putting away 3/4 of my paycheck every month (I get paid monthly - it's a stipend), right off the top. This leaves little if any room for things like Christmas, lunches and nights out with friends, and even things I want for myself for the wedding that I didn't include in the budget... like shoes for instance. Even Ben's wedding ring (I figured it was unfair to put his ring in the budget and not mine, since he'd already bought mine, so I left it out. Idiot). Ugh. It's just rough. It's going to be a beautiful, wonderful, memorable, FUN wedding - there's no doubt. I know I won't be disappointed. We won't wish we had gone bigger or had nicer food or sprung for the open bar or had a better DJ or anything... we've already done all those things. We just might wish we had more money left over. It's funny how we NEVER would have saved this amount of money if it weren't for the wedding - we wouldn't have had the discipline or the motivation without an immediate, important goal looming less than a year away. It's so sad - it's obviously possible, and we could have saved this money just to start a savings account for our future or pay off some debts or whatever. I'm glad we're getting married and not just saving for some unknown future (unknown in terms of when we'd be getting married and living together), but it's a good lesson for both of us, I think, to see that with some discipline and an important goal, we did it. Hopefully we'll be able to look back on this and think "if we did it then, we can do it again". Of course we won't be able to save this much money again for a very long time - we won't have this much financial freedom in terms of our income to responsibility ratio for at least a decade, I'm sure. But just to know that we were able to REALLY stretch and pinch and put away such a large percentage of our "free" income should serve as a motivator for us in the future.

So, just a word to the wise - PRAYERFULLY consider your wedding budget before setting it in stone, and if possible, set up your married life budget BEFORE you set up your wedding budget. It'll give you a sense of just how tight money will be AFTER the big day, and it might make you think twice about delegating every penny that you can possibly save between the engagement and the wedding to the wedding itself. If I had been able to set up our post-wedding budget earlier, I know I would have scaled back. I would have made sure that we were putting aside several thousand of what we could save between now and May 29th for the days AFTER May 29th. I'd like to have at least two months worth of our combined monthly income sitting in an emergency savings account - that is our goal for post-wedding savings. That way if something happens to one of us, we know we have a two-month buffer. Or if an unexpected bill comes up, we have something to fall back on. Now, we're in a situation where we'll be trying to save up that two-month buffer at the rate of $50 per month (that's how much we'll be physically able to save, based on Ben's base pay and my med school borrowing, according to our budget). That's going to take years. Now granted, that's worst case scenario. We'll get wedding money, Ben will get overtime money as long as he's allowed to keep working it, etc. But we could have easily put that much money aside out of our wedding budget and still found a way to have a great wedding. Just food for thought, for anyone reading who isn't married yet.

So anyway, it's Thanksgiving, and I really shouldn't be stressing and complaining about money. God is good, He will provide, and He has taught us valuable lessons through all of this. In the end, I have so much to be thankful for - more than one person SHOULD have I think. I'm marrying the person I met when I was 13 years old. We were just kids, and God allowed us to meet each other, grow together over 8 years, find it somewhere in our adolescent mentalities to truly commit to each other, knit ourselves into each other's families, and all without ever breaking up. He spared us the heartache and frustration and loneliness of dating and being single (not that those are bad things, but they can be incredibly painful at times!). He didn't force us to try out lots of different people. I guess that the way our relationship developed did bring up its own challenges though. We had to get over the idea that maybe there's someone else out there, or maybe we need to "experience other people". We had to get through A LOT of ups and downs that young people aren't well-equipped to deal with. We had to find the maturity to stay together out of pure commitment when the "feelings" didn't come easily, even for weeks on end, when we were just high school kids. We had to deal with living apart over four years and spending only limited amounts of time together, during a time in our lives when everyone else was dating around and I was constantly meeting new people and having new experiences, while Ben felt left behind and out-of-the-loop at home. We've actually been through a lot together, and had so many opportunities to grow apart. But we always grew together. Now, I have an entire extra family to be thankful for. I have, HANDS DOWN, the most amazingly kind, giving, caring, FUN, friendly, and loving sisters-in-law that anyone could ever ask for. I couldn't have found better ones if I went searching for them on my own. My mother-in-law is simply one of the most spiritual, kind, compassionate, outgoing, selfless women I've ever met. These people took me into their family with such warmth and such complete lack of hesitation, and I could never express how much they mean to me. Through them, I've been blessed with a sweet, smart, beautiful niece, and two absolutely PRECIOUS, entertaining, adorable little nephews. I've gotten to watch them grow and become such a part of their lives that they don't know their uncle Ben without me. I have my own incredibly supportive family who have given me all they could give in order to see me succeed, and have never withheld a single thing from me. My parents have loved me with such devotion and pride throughout my life that I don't have a clue what it's like to grow up with anything less than amazing parents. I'm in a very small minority in that respect. I've been accepted to a GREAT medical school that is going to give me the opportunity to pursue a career that I love, make a great living to support my family, and have the career I want to have all right here in Maryland with my family. And there are so many little things, too. I have a job now that allows me to drive in to work and home again every day with my mom, allowing us time together that we wouldn't have otherwise. I have a roof over my head and have never had a real need go unmet in my life. I had a wonderful undergraduate experience that gave me some of the greatest memories and the greatest friends I could have ever asked for, and allowed me to remain close enough to home to maintain the friendships that made me who I was when I got there. And now, those amazing friends love me enough to be a part of my wedding day with me - spending their hard-earned money and their scarce time and energy making my big day special.

Obviously, I could go on all day. The reality is, we all could! No matter what season of life we find ourselves in, there are always blessings to count. Even if it's counting each breath as we take it, God gives us so much to be thankful for. Each beat of our hearts, each moment that all of the intricate systems that keep us healthy and alive function perfectly together... being a science nerd really makes you wonder how God keeps it all running smoothly! But He does, because He loves us and He put us here to enjoy the fruits of His creation. And now, I'm going to go enjoy one of God's greatest gifts... a good night's sleep, in a warm and comfortable bed, with a full belly and a full heart :)

Deconstructing my ego, and other related topics

I haven't blogged in a while, so surely I MUST have SOMETHING to say... I'll just start writing and hope it comes to me...

Ok, well, first of all I got some more medical school news - wait-listed at Mount Sinai. Which is fine, since I really can't move to New York at this point in my life. Yesterday I saw Evan for the first time in about three weeks and he cried when I picked him up - perfect example for why I'm not moving to NYC! I cannot deal with my nieces and nephews not knowing me. Lord willing, there will be more babies in our family in the next few years, and I can't deal with missing out on that. This is just the first of many career-related decisions that I will make where my family has to come first.

I have to admit, though, that God is definitely using this process to humble me. For most of my life my teachers, parents, friends, family and Ben have been constantly praising me for my academic achievements, and it's difficult not to develop a bit of an ego about it. I try very hard not to let it grow, or to let other people see it, but I'm fully aware that it's there inside of me. I'm sure it rears its ugly head from time to time without me being completely aware of it though. Anyway, getting all of these interviews really got me thinking that I was a super-competitive candidate, and at this point I really was expecting to get into a lot of schools. Everyone kept telling me I would, and the evidence seemed to be pointing that way up until now. I could still technically get into the schools that wait-listed me, but I didn't think I'd be wait-listed in the first place. Medical school admissions are EXTREMELY competitive. Most schools interview less than 20% of applicants and accept about 20% of those that they interview. It's pretty intense. So why did I think I was a shoo-in? Because apparently the devil has me convinced that I'm this intellectual stud, and I need to get over myself. So here comes God to knock me off my high-horse... Hopkins? "NO." Ok, they're #2 in the country... I can handle being rejected there. UVA and Mount Sinai? "Ummm, maybe. We'll see if the better candidates accept our offers first and then we'll let you know." Ouch. They're tied for #23 in the country. I kinda thought I could hack it at that level. Maryland? "We'll take you!" Great! Buuuut they're #43. No huge accomplishment there (this is my ego talking, not how I really feel at the end of the day). Drexel? "Sure!" Yeah but they're not even ranked. Great. This has been my inner thought process, unfortunately. It's pretty pitiful actually, and I'm glad that God has used this situation to make me more aware of how pitiful it really is! At the end of the day, these people who ARE doctors and know how serious this is looked at me and said "Yeah. I think we can trust her with people's lives. Let's give her a shot." Holy CRAP! Seriously? ME?!?! Sure, I've gotten good grades and participated in a few clubs and done some biomedical research, but does that REALLY qualify me for that kind of trust and confidence? It's truly a gift - an incredible opportunity and an ENORMOUS responsibility - and here I sit disappointed that "better" schools didn't accept me. Even being wait-listed at a school like Mount Sinai is an incredible honor. And to be ACCEPTED anywhere is simply nothing less than a miracle and a gift from God. What is WRONG with me?!?!

So, all that having been said, I'm feeling pretty excited about Maryland and preparing myself to be a Terp :) I still have an interview at Georgetown, this coming Wednesday actually, so I'm keeping that one in the running as well. It's a Jesuit school, which I think has the potential to be a great fit for me. They really focus on patient care and caring for the WHOLE patient - mind, body and spirit - which is really what I'm about, when I consider why I want to be a doctor and what motivates me to care for people. It would be great to learn medicine in an environment where the spiritual aspect isn't ignored and minimized, and where MAYBE there's still some acknowledgement of our Creator playing a role in people's lives. At schools that are very research-focused and heavily into evidence-based medicine and basic science (which are all important things), the ideas of God and spiritualilty tend to be scoffed at not only as personal choices, but as elements of patient care. I can certainly learn on my own how to blend my spirituality with my medical practice, and I'm sure that even at completely secular institutions I'd find mentors that are spiritual and can help to guide me in that - I've already met several just in my interviews. But I'm certainly considering the possibility that Georgetown could be the place that God wants me to be. So we shall see. I feel like the fact that I'm interviewing so late there could mean that I don't have a GREAT shot at being accepted, but who knows. It's in God's hands. What a great feeling :)

Speaking of God's hands, we went to a marriage seminar this weekend, given by Dr. Gary Thomas. He's a world-reknowned writer on the subject of Christian Marriage - I've actually been reading one of his books recently called "Sacred Influence: How God Uses Wives to Shape the Souls of Their Husbands", which has some great insights into the male perspective on the marriage relationship, motivating your husband, and the blessing that you can be to your husband by focusing on becoming a strong, godly woman. After the seminar I also bought his most popular book "Sacred Marriage" and the weekly devotional that goes along with it. My mom and Tim do that devotional, as do my Pastor and his wife, and they all rave about it. Dr. Thomas really was a GREAT speaker - I wish every married person I know could have been there. He really brought things into perspective for me on so many issues, and I hope it's going to make me appreciate Ben and our marriage more deeply and pour more of myself into our marriage with even more enthusiasm and energy than I had previously thought. It was awesome :) I can't say enough about this period of preparation that we're going through - it's been so wonderful and inspiring and reassuring for us and we've learned SO MUCH. Having been through this, I can definitely see myself getting into marriage ministries in the future as I search for ways to serve the Lord in our church (wherever that ends up being), because I already feel so passionate about people getting adequate preparation for marriage. It's not that I think that people who didn't take a class or something are doomed. It's just been SO helpful to us and I think we're going into this with much healthier, more realistic expectations than we might have had previously. I don't think we even realized that we were coming into it with any well-defined expectations at all, but they were certainly lurking there in the back of our minds. As Dr. Thomas says, "What if marriage is designed more to make you holy than to make you happy?" That's really the essence of unrealistic expectations in this country. We expect marriage - finding our "soulmate" - to make us happy. When we aren't blissfully happy all the time, or we even fall into a deep rut where the feelings aren't there or our spouses are driving us crazy - we assume that we must have married the "wrong" person (otherwise we'd be happier!), and the divorce rate rises to 50%. If marriage was designed by God to shape us and refine us toward the image of Christ, and to prepare us for the challenges that God has in store for us in fulfilling each of our purposes in life, then we should EXPECT it to be difficult. That's Gary Thomas's core message, in a nutshell. Anyway, it was great :)

Tonight, I'm making a thanks-for-helping-with-our-wedding dinner for our parents. I think I'm making a cheese fondue, salad, and a shrimp & pasta dish. I've never cooked for this many people before, so it should be interesting...

A New America

I don't usually do this, and this is not why I started a blog, but today I need a place to vent my political frustrations. Tears of joy filled my eyes last night as I watched President-elect Barack Obama give his acceptance speech, as he became the first African-American to be elected President of the United States. I watched as Senator John McCain congratulated this incredible achievement, not only for Barack Obama, but for America as a country. The achievement of moving beyond both race and political partisanship, reaching across the deeply entrenched divides that have plagued this country for decades and even centuries, to elect a black President. White people, black people, hispanic people, young and old, Republicans and Democrats voted for him because they believe that he is the best man for the job. Sure, there are some black people who voted for him because he's black. There are also a lot of white people who refused to vote for him because he's black. Just like there are Republicans who refused to consider him because he's a democrat, and democrats who refused to consider McCain because he's a republican. There will ALWAYS be shallow people who are hung up on labels or embittered by past experiences and who simply cannot be reached, on both sides of the aisle. But last night, we watched America grow up. We watched millions of people put those things aside to vote against the grain, turning traditionally red states blue. In the end, though, it isn't about red and blue states. That's the point. In electing Obama last night, we proved that those lines don't mean a damn thing. That America is ready to forget the "political" motivators and focus on promoting the good of our country, whatever it takes. This is not to say that McCain couldn't have done a world of good for this country too - He loves this country beyond measure, and beyond what most of us will ever experience or understand. The point is that regardless of which way people could have swung last night - it could just as easily have been the election of the first female VP in history that stunned us all - people were WILLING to swing. They were WILLING to take a leap of faith and do something that no one would have thought possible even five years ago. Isn't that encouraging? Even to those of you who didn't support Obama in this election, doesn't it feel like this country is moving closer to a place of healing, where we can finally move forward and work together to make life better for all of us? Isn't there a symbolism buried in last night's historic election that speaks to EVERY American? This result is not just a victory for the democrats or a victory for African Americans. It is a victory for America, that we can all be proud of. It is a symbol of our willingness as a nation to put all the pettiness aside and come together for the common good. I take that back - it's not just a symbol, it's hard evidence. As cheesy as that sounds, it's an unavoidable truth. There is so much hard work to be done and so much progress to be made. Even most Republicans admit - as did John McCain - that this country is in desperate need of change. You may not have gotten the specific change you were hoping for, but we certainly woke up in a different America this morning. Let it be an inspiration to us all, not a point of contention. Let's look forward to healing the intense partisan divide in this country - an achievement that has such potential for completely remodeling the face of American politics, America's image throughout the world, and the way we go about the business of progress in our country. I was so disheartened to hear Republicans (some crazy ones, mind you - this is not a generalization) still focusing on the issue of race even today, still claiming that Obama is out to steal America for the blacks or for the muslims, or even claiming that he's the anti-christ. Have they been listening at all? Anyone who has followed this campaign with even the smallest glimmer of an attempt at objectiveness or neutrality, should be able to readily see that Barack Obama loves this country, for the opportunities that it has given him and his family, for the good it has done in the world over its two and a half centuries of existence, and for the potential it has in the future. His vision is all about uniting America - not dividing it - because he has worked in the trenches and seen the devastation that a divided America can bring. He ran not as a black man promoting some agenda for black Americans, but as a compassionate man fighting for the needs of the poor and the working class - the people who have no one to fight for them in a government dominated by special interests and billion-dollar corporations. I think we're all fed up with the billion-dollar corporations and their trips to Hawaii while our grandparents can't retire because they just lost their 401Ks. Taxing the upper-class more heavily doesn't mean "redistribution of wealth", it means holding people responsible for the contribution that this country deserves in return for the opportunities it has provided, and asking those who have the means to help, to do so.

I'll stop before I start addressing individual topics, but the bottom line is, Barack Obama is about lifting up this entire country as a whole. As heavily Christian as the right-wing claims to be, this is something that should unite us. The Bible values service and giving to the poor - it is our duty as Christians, it's not just something we do to be nice sometimes. It's our calling. It's a value that we should hold up right next to preserving the sanctity of marriage and preserving the lives of the innocent unborn (an issue on which I admittedly disagree with the president-elect). If we don't take care of those in need, no one will. With as much wealth as this country has, poverty should not exist. We're just too greedy. We want the credit and we want our due for the hard work we've done, and we don't like sharing. We're all guilty of it, myself certainly included. We work hard and we don't want to let go of what we've earned. We need to do better, and America deserves better. I think we can unite in that.

Praise the Lord

After all the hemming and hawing, all the fretting, the worrying... today, I received my Hopkins rejection letter. It made me smile :) I was so worried that I'd have to make a difficult decision between my happiness and my education, and now I don't have to make that choice. God came through for me, once again, answering my prayers by showing me where He wants me to be. Or, at least, where He doesn't want me to be. Praise the Lord, is all I can say!