4am

As much as I thought I treasured sleep, now I treasure these dark, sleepy moments with you. One day you won't need me like this anymore. I won't get to listen to your sweet, breathy baby sounds and feel your little fists and fingers happily squirming against my chest. I won't watch your sleepy head bobble around while I burp you and steal countless little kisses on your cheeks and your temples. You won't snuggle up belly-down against my chest to fall asleep with a full belly and a contented sigh. When I (sometimes grudgingly) awaken from a deep sleep to engage in this little ritual of ours, I hope that I never take it for granted. I am so blessed to be able to give you this gift, and to receive such sweet little gifts from you in return. And though you'll never remember them, our quiet moments together in these dark hours are forging a special bond between you and I. I'd never trade that for all the sleep in the world.

Giving Thanks

I try to make sure that every day is like a mini-Thanksgiving in my life. I make a conscious effort to be truly grateful for the blessings that God has chosen to bestow upon me, and to let Him know about it. Even if, in my end-of-the-day exhaustion, I only make it 30 seconds into my nightly prayer, I always start with the 'thank you for...' part (though lately, I'll admit, I sometimes start with 'Please please please let him stay asleep!'). I try to remember to give thanks throughout the day as I find myself appreciating something, whether it be a beautiful day outside, pretty scenery on a long drive, or the weight of my baby boy asleep on my chest.

The bottom line is, even in the worst of circumstances, we always have something to be thankful for each and every second of the day - the breath in our lungs and the beating of our hearts. Our lives here on Earth. I know in my logical mind that Heaven is our true home and that it will make this life look like pretty small potatoes in comparison, but it's still an unknown. I can't imagine anything feeling better than the best moments I've had here on Earth, because God's design for this life really wasn't too shabby and it's all I know. Sure, terrible things happen down here. But the tragedies make the sweet moments all the sweeter. They give us true perspective and allow us to better appreciate even the smallest of blessings, which in turn makes our lives so much richer. So while I know that the best is yet to come, I'm so thankful for this experience that God has chosen to give us - the experience of an Earthly life. And so every breath and every beat is a blessing in my eyes, even though I know that what awaits me at the end of that road is going to be indescribably wonderful. I'm thankful to have experienced the love of family and my true love's kiss and my baby's coos and giggles in his sleep and all the sunny Fall days and the smell of fresh cut grass... all these uniquely human experiences that we only get to enjoy in our brief time here on Earth.

I haven't had much personal tragedy in my life, and perhaps that would change my feelings on just how wonderful (or not so wonderful) I perceive this life to be. But for now, I'm drinking it all in with the biggest gulps I can manage, and with a very thankful heart. As my baby boy snoozes here on my chest and my husband sleeps peacefully next to me in our cozy bed, I know that love alone is worth all the tough stuff that life sometimes throws our way. The experience of love is enough to make me stop and count my blessings, today and every day.

Happy Thanksgiving!

One Magical Month

It's official... we have a one-month-old! As is typical when you try to get anything done with a one-month-old around, this post is (of course) a day late. It's been one CRAZY crazy month, but he has certainly won us over in a big way!

Life has definitely gotten easier with time, as our seasoned veteran friends and family assured us it would. The first two weeks were the most difficult - he just didn't "get" the whole day vs. night thing, breastfeeding was a challenge, he was fussy more often than he wasn't, we hadn't gotten to know his cries or what soothed him, we were exhausted and our patience was worn pretty thin... it was a recipe for lots of frustration! But over the past two weeks, he has more-or-less settled into a pattern of behavior that is relatively predictable and manageable. I've learned to recognize his cries - hungry vs. gassy vs. I-just-want-mommy-to-hold-me - and have learned what positions he likes to be held in and when he's likely to be soothed by a pacifier... things like that. Getting to know him has not only made him easier to manage, but has done worlds of good for our sanity and patience. When you know what to expect, it's much easier to handle. When you know why he's upset and you know that you can fix it, you feel much more "in control". We spent those first difficult days feeling helpless, and that was part of what made it so tough.

Now we're able to spend more time enjoying each other (as opposed to just co-existing!) which has helped to bring back a sense of normalcy to our lives. One of the toughest adjustments for us was losing that "just us" time, and now that we're better able to manage him, we're getting more of that peaceful, simple, snuggle-on-the-couch time that we were missing in the beginning. One of the most important ingredients of a healthy, happy childhood is having parents with a healthy, happy relationship, so I try hard to make sure that our marriage doesn't get lost in the chaotic shuffle of life with an infant.

We're also able to spend more time enjoying him these days, and marveling at just how perfect and amazing he really is! He's starting to spend more time awake each day, and is showing interest in hanging toys, contrasting colors, flashing lights and music (oh, and the TV!). He loves his pacifier and loves to snuggle on his belly on Mommy or Daddy's chest. He's rarely happy being held in the crook of your arm like a baby - he always wants to be upright and looking around. Nursing has become second nature and he eats like a champ - he hasn't been weighed since his 2-week check up (9 lbs 2 oz), but he's outgrowing his newborn clothes and diapers so I'm quite sure he has topped 10 pounds by now. He's also starting to coo and gurgle which is simply adorable, and is focusing on our faces particularly when we talk to him.

It's been a wild, life-changing ride, but we wouldn't change it for anything - we have a perfect baby boy that we simply adore, and our home is just overflowing with love as we fall head-over-heels for him and deeper in love with each other. It's pretty darn sweet!

Never Wake a Sleeping Baby...

...at least not until you've snapped a few (zillion) photos ;-)

Kidney Update

Just writing with an update on the little man's kidney, now that we've finally completed the series of tests that our pediatric urologist ordered...

First was an ultrasound of his kidneys, which was done in the hospital the day he was born and confirmed the presence of an enlarged, multicystic kidney.

In an isolette for the trip from the NICU to radiology for his VCUG at 2 days old

Next was a VCUG, also done in the hospital, which showed no reflux of urine from the bladder back up the ureter toward the kidney - good news. Today he had a DMSA renal scan at Johns Hopkins to take a look at the blood flow to his kidneys.

At 3 weeks old, he slept like an angel for the entire renal scan

We were hoping that there would be some residual function, but the expectation was that there would be little to none since a true multicystic dysplastic kidney isn't really made up of real kidney tissue (it's basically just primordial tissue that never differentiated into functional kidney tissue). Unfortunately the results were as expected - the multicystic kidney is not functional. Though that was the expected outcome, it was still a little disappointing as we were holding out hope that the appearance of the kidney on ultrasound was due to a fixable blockage (which the urologist had told us does happen, in rare cases). I knew that it wasn't terribly likely, but I still hoped. At any rate, all of the tests have led to the conclusion that his left kidney is not (nor will it ever be) functional, and our little guy will be living his life with only one healthy kidney.

It's sad, but as I've said over and over, it is what we were told to expect. We've already had the opportunity to grieve over it and internalize it, and it is what it is. As our wonderful urologist has said over and over, his one good kidney will last him until he's 95 and drops dead of a heart attack - it's not something that's going to shorten his lifespan or anything horrible like that. We'll just have to be a little more careful about watching for symptoms of urinary tract problems. He also won't be able to play certain particularly dangerous contact sports (football, lacrosse, wrestling...). But since his Daddy will be grooming him for the PGA tour as soon as he can stand and hold a golf club, I'm hoping he'll be far too into golf to get upset about that ;-) It might be cliche, but the fact that he's an otherwise healthy, happy, adorable baby boy truly is the most important thing!