Fathers Day has always been 100% about my dad (as well it should be). I am incredibly blessed when it comes to parentage - I had a pretty perfect childhood with pretty wonderful parents. They have always been loving, caring, compassionate, encouraging... just so good to me. I don't ever remember a time in my life when I didn't feel like my parents were proud of me - they told me all the time. I have always been a daddy's girl, to my core, so Fathers Day has always been special to me, and I've always wished that I could do more to make it extra special. Unfortunately, there's just no way to put that kind of love and appreciation into word or deed. It just can't be done. Instead, I just try to make sure that I never ever take either of my parents for granted, and that I never forget how blessed I am to have had two loving, supportive parents to raise me.
This year, my thoughts on Fathers Day were shaken up a bit. Suddenly it's not just about my dad - it's about my baby's dad, too. Not only is that cool and special in its own right, but it's kind of profound too. When I think about what my dad has always meant to me and try to extrapolate that to a relationship between my husband and this precious little boy who we haven't even met, it just blows my mind. I practically grew up with my husband - we've been together since we were 13 and 15. I knew him when he was still a kid himself, and watched him grow into a man. This guy - my wonderful, crazy, strong, devoted, caring, hysterical husband - is going to be that man for our baby boy. A father. An adoring, supportive, proud father, just like I have. What makes it even more incredible is that my husband didn't have any kind of role model growing up as far as fathering was concerned, yet he's already proving to be such a naturally paternal guy. It makes me feel doubly blessed to have him around - suddenly he's not just a fantastic husband anymore, but more importantly, he's becoming a fantastic father too, right before my eyes.
This pregnancy has already been incredibly trying, for both of us. It has been such an emotional roller coaster, and it has forced us to grow together in ways that we never anticipated. We've had to come together to make some of the most difficult decisions of our lives, and have leaned on each other pretty hard. We have each had to step up and play the role of the strong supporter while the other was breaking down, and have traded places a thousand times. We were more or less thrown into the deep end of the "becoming a parent" pool. The very first time we saw our little baby bean and heard his heart beat at 8 weeks, we found out that I was a CF carrier. A month later came that news that Ben was a carrier too, and that our baby might have CF. In two more months, we would experience the magic of seeing our little boy's face for the very first time, and moments later we'd be told that he only has one functioning kidney. And you know what? All of that wasn't just happening to me - it was happening to us. The physical changes, the heartburn, the getting up to pee 4 times a night... that was all happening to me. But the scary stuff... that happened to us both. Some people might say that a woman becomes a mother from the moment she learns that she's pregnant, but that a man doesn't really become a father until the birth. That may be true for some men in some circumstances, I suppose, but not for my husband. He hasn't had the luxury of easing into this.
Expecting your first child together is a bonding experience no matter how you slice it. For us - as scary as it has been at times - this pregnancy has been so much more, and it has brought our relationship, our commitment and our love to a whole new level already. So, long story short, this Fathers Day was a pretty special celebration for us. It wasn't just a formality because he's "technically" a dad now... it was a celebration of the truly amazing father he has already become.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
A Baby, A House, and a Future
It occurs to me that I haven't really spent much time updating you all on things not related to our precious little bun in the oven! I'm sure you can understand how everything else going on in my world tends to slip my mind when I start thinking about my little guy :-] I'll add a belly shot at some point, once I've taken a new one - it's getting pretty intense, I must say. We're 22 weeks along now, and it feels great to wave goodbye to the half-way mark as it disappears in the rear view mirror! From the moment I saw his face I've wanted nothing more than to snuggle him to within an inch of his life, so I'm already getting very impatient about his arrival! As far as pregnancy symptoms go, my major complaints are heartburn and backaches, but that's about it. Nothing debilitating.
And as always, I'd like to take a moment to sincerely thank all of you who have been praying religiously (pun intended!) for our baby boy and offering up your love and support daily, and encourage you all to keep it up! Our next sonogram is exactly one month away, so we still have an entire month to continue our little prayer crusade! Pass it along to your families, friends, and prayer chains - the more the merrier :-]
So like I said, it's so easy for me to get wrapped up in my little Benjamin Elijah... but I really do intend for this post to be a more broad update. We've actually had quite a bit going on here lately! First of all, we've been house hunting! Our original plan had been to find a townhouse to rent when our apartment lease is up in September - we're currently in a 1BR apartment and will be needing more space come October! - but after looking further into it, it turns out that it will actually be less expensive for us to buy a townhouse than to rent one, believe it or not! For nearly a month now, we have been anxiously awaiting 3rd party approval on a contract that we signed on a short sale townhome. The sellers accepted our offer, but since it's a short sale we have to wait for the bank to accept it too, which could take up to 45 days. It's a 3BR, 2.5 BA, 10-year-old townhome in a lovely, quiet neighborhood a little further away from the city. It has a finished basement and a fenced yard, too, so we'll have plenty of space for our new addition plus a little room to grow! We're VERY excited, but have been trying to keep it all under control until we have an answer. It's not easy. I feel like this is the last piece of our little puzzle and I'm just dying to fit in into place!
We've made some other big decisions lately, too. For one thing, I'm going back to medical school. It won't be this Fall, since I'll obviously be indisposed for much of that particular season, but my school has approved a second year of leave so that I can return in the Fall of 2012. Spending this time working where I work has been truly eye-opening for me, and has made it very clear that this path is where I belong. I won't go into the gory details of how I arrived at this decision (that's enough for another entire post of it's own), but suffice it to say that I'm feeling great about it and it has become abundantly clear to me that God is in this. More to come on that.
In talking with my school about this second year of leave, the decision was made that I would spend this next year off doing lots of review work. It's in their best interest to ensure that I return well-prepared to tackle second-year, with my first-year material fresh, so they can't just let me sit on my intellectual butt for another year. What that means, in practical terms, is that I'll be enrolled in a 6-credit (part-time) special elective designed as an independent study for review purposes. I'll be completing it all from home and checking in periodically to report on my progress. This will allow me (a) to defer my student loans, since I'll be enrolled part-time, and (b) to take out some student loans to help with living expenses. And point (b) is going to allow me to live the dream for approximately 10 sweet months... I'm staying home with Eli :-] If you know me at all, you know that this is something I've been DESPERATE for, so it's a pretty huge deal for us! Of course, taking out the extra student loans has its pros and cons (which were discussed at length), but the savings in child care alone almost completely justifies it, financially speaking. Not to mention being able to defer my student loan payments. And let's be honest... my being able to stay home is an obvious benefit to our whole family!
I spent many tearful conversations with God just begging for a way to stay home with the baby. Though I was convinced that it was a financial impossibility, I kept praying anyway. As you can imagine, I've also spent A LOT of time in prayer over my future, asking God to guide me as I struggle to figure out my career situation. It shouldn't have come as a surprise to me that God was planning something so big that it would answer both prayers in one fell swoop, but it still left me shocked and awed when I realized what had happened. After all of the prayer and the uncertainty, God dropped an answer right into my lap. "Here's your miracle - your way to stay at home with this baby. BUT it comes as a package deal with your return to medical school, so you're going to have to trust me." It hit me like a ton of bricks when I realized the gravity of it. And then I felt a sudden rush of relief when I saw how clearly He was revealing His hand in all of this. It was just what I needed most - guidance from His hand, clear as day, leading me back to the path I was meant to travel. I finally feel peace over my future, perhaps for the first time ever.
There are so many reasons that I needed to take this year (now two years) of leave from school. Had I not left, I wouldn't have landed in this job. I wouldn't have been working in an environment that reminded me of where my career passions lay and just how much I want to be a doctor. I wouldn't have been surrounded by CF researchers and CF doctors and genetic counselors and ALL of the resources I'd need to get me through the discovery of our CF carrier status with our first child. I wouldn't have ever (intentionally, at least) conceived this perfect little miracle, whose presence in our lives God has used to lead me into peace and certainty about my future as a doctor. God is good all the time, and all the time, GOD IS GOOD!
And as always, I'd like to take a moment to sincerely thank all of you who have been praying religiously (pun intended!) for our baby boy and offering up your love and support daily, and encourage you all to keep it up! Our next sonogram is exactly one month away, so we still have an entire month to continue our little prayer crusade! Pass it along to your families, friends, and prayer chains - the more the merrier :-]
So like I said, it's so easy for me to get wrapped up in my little Benjamin Elijah... but I really do intend for this post to be a more broad update. We've actually had quite a bit going on here lately! First of all, we've been house hunting! Our original plan had been to find a townhouse to rent when our apartment lease is up in September - we're currently in a 1BR apartment and will be needing more space come October! - but after looking further into it, it turns out that it will actually be less expensive for us to buy a townhouse than to rent one, believe it or not! For nearly a month now, we have been anxiously awaiting 3rd party approval on a contract that we signed on a short sale townhome. The sellers accepted our offer, but since it's a short sale we have to wait for the bank to accept it too, which could take up to 45 days. It's a 3BR, 2.5 BA, 10-year-old townhome in a lovely, quiet neighborhood a little further away from the city. It has a finished basement and a fenced yard, too, so we'll have plenty of space for our new addition plus a little room to grow! We're VERY excited, but have been trying to keep it all under control until we have an answer. It's not easy. I feel like this is the last piece of our little puzzle and I'm just dying to fit in into place!
We've made some other big decisions lately, too. For one thing, I'm going back to medical school. It won't be this Fall, since I'll obviously be indisposed for much of that particular season, but my school has approved a second year of leave so that I can return in the Fall of 2012. Spending this time working where I work has been truly eye-opening for me, and has made it very clear that this path is where I belong. I won't go into the gory details of how I arrived at this decision (that's enough for another entire post of it's own), but suffice it to say that I'm feeling great about it and it has become abundantly clear to me that God is in this. More to come on that.
In talking with my school about this second year of leave, the decision was made that I would spend this next year off doing lots of review work. It's in their best interest to ensure that I return well-prepared to tackle second-year, with my first-year material fresh, so they can't just let me sit on my intellectual butt for another year. What that means, in practical terms, is that I'll be enrolled in a 6-credit (part-time) special elective designed as an independent study for review purposes. I'll be completing it all from home and checking in periodically to report on my progress. This will allow me (a) to defer my student loans, since I'll be enrolled part-time, and (b) to take out some student loans to help with living expenses. And point (b) is going to allow me to live the dream for approximately 10 sweet months... I'm staying home with Eli :-] If you know me at all, you know that this is something I've been DESPERATE for, so it's a pretty huge deal for us! Of course, taking out the extra student loans has its pros and cons (which were discussed at length), but the savings in child care alone almost completely justifies it, financially speaking. Not to mention being able to defer my student loan payments. And let's be honest... my being able to stay home is an obvious benefit to our whole family!
I spent many tearful conversations with God just begging for a way to stay home with the baby. Though I was convinced that it was a financial impossibility, I kept praying anyway. As you can imagine, I've also spent A LOT of time in prayer over my future, asking God to guide me as I struggle to figure out my career situation. It shouldn't have come as a surprise to me that God was planning something so big that it would answer both prayers in one fell swoop, but it still left me shocked and awed when I realized what had happened. After all of the prayer and the uncertainty, God dropped an answer right into my lap. "Here's your miracle - your way to stay at home with this baby. BUT it comes as a package deal with your return to medical school, so you're going to have to trust me." It hit me like a ton of bricks when I realized the gravity of it. And then I felt a sudden rush of relief when I saw how clearly He was revealing His hand in all of this. It was just what I needed most - guidance from His hand, clear as day, leading me back to the path I was meant to travel. I finally feel peace over my future, perhaps for the first time ever.
There are so many reasons that I needed to take this year (now two years) of leave from school. Had I not left, I wouldn't have landed in this job. I wouldn't have been working in an environment that reminded me of where my career passions lay and just how much I want to be a doctor. I wouldn't have been surrounded by CF researchers and CF doctors and genetic counselors and ALL of the resources I'd need to get me through the discovery of our CF carrier status with our first child. I wouldn't have ever (intentionally, at least) conceived this perfect little miracle, whose presence in our lives God has used to lead me into peace and certainty about my future as a doctor. God is good all the time, and all the time, GOD IS GOOD!
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Our Baby Boy, and a BIG Prayer Request
Yesterday morning, we finally got to see our baby face to face (sort of) for the first time. As soon as the ultrasound tech put the probe to my belly, we were shocked and awed by how much the baby had changed since the little peanut-shaped object we had seen at our last sonogram twelve weeks earlier. There was a whole, human-shaped baby in there, with arms, legs, fingers, toes, and a face. A sweet, adorable face that we instantly fell hopelessly in love with...
The baby also comes complete with undeniably male genitalia, and we're thrilled to announce that our first child is a baby BOY named Benjamin Elijah! We wanted to name him after his daddy, but didn't want him to be a "junior" (Ben's name is Benjamin Franklin, believe it or not), so we'll call him Eli. We were (well, I was) a little unsure about the girl name, so it's a good thing he turned out to be a boy and saved me all the angst of trying to commit to a girl name - we've been completely sold on the boy name since before he was conceived, so it was pretty easy!
So far, Eli isn't showing any CF-related symptoms, which is encouraging news. There is a complication that occurs in about 15% of CF babies called meconium ileus (MI), which is essentially a bowel obstruction made up of meconium (which is the term for all babies' first poop, which accumulates throughout pregnancy and is usually passed within the first 24 hours of life outside the womb). That's what we're looking for on all of our ultrasounds now - an "echogenic bowel" which could indicate that an MI is developing. Some CF babies are born with some liver disease as well, though that is FAR more rare than MI. At any rate, the maternal-fetal medicine doctor that we spoke with after the ultrasound said that she saw NO signs of anything CF-related. Of course, even if he doesn't develop any of those fetal period complications, he could still very well have CF (85% of CF babies don't develop MI), but it's encouraging nonetheless, and makes us feel better about delivering with the midwives at the community hospital. If we did see that he could be developing an MI, we would have to plan on delivering at Hopkins instead, as he would probably need immediate surgery after birth to remove the obstruction and would have to be transferred there anyway.
Unfortunately, that's not the end of this sonogram story for our sweet baby boy. The reason that the doctor came in to speak with us in the first place was that the ultrasound did turn up an abnormal finding (entirely unrelated to CF). It turns out the Eli has a multicystic dysplastic left kidney. His kidney is enlarged and contains several variably sized cysts, and will most likely (90%) never be functional. The development of the cysts is a result of abnormal embryological development - it's a structural issue with the way the piping hooked up to the kidney during early development - and though the kidney could (10%) function for some unknown length of time with the cysts, the cysts won't resolve themselves or go away. Most likely, the kidney will just shrivel up (or involute) during the first five years of his life. He will have to be followed by a pediatric urologist who will monitor the bad kidney to make sure that it's not getting infected or causing any other problems, and so long as it behaves (shrivels up like it should) it can just stay in there - there's no medical need to remove it. If it does start to cause any problems, it will just need to be removed laparoscopically.
Of course, we all know that a person can live a perfectly normal life with only one kidney. We know that he's going to be OK no matter what happens with this bad kidney - whether it ever functions or not. But dangit, my baby deserves to start his life with ALL of his organs present and functioning, and so I've decided to start praying for a miracle. There is no prayer request too big for our awesome God, no matter how physically "impossible" it may seem. I know with every fiber of my being that we could go back for our next ultrasound in 6 weeks and that kidney could be miraculously healed. That may not be God's will for Eli, but we have resolved that if this is a test of faith, we're going to show God just how big our faith is by trusting Him with an "impossible" request. We're going to pray faithfully EVERY DAY over the next 6 weeks for healing for our baby boy's kidney. We're not going to just pray for the bare minimum - that his other kidney remains healthy and that nothing else goes wrong - we're swinging for the fences on this one.
I'd like to ask each and every one of you, our dear friends and family, to join us in this little "prayer crusade" of ours over the next 6 weeks. I ask that you would commit yourself to say a little prayer each morning for a healed kidney for Eli. It will only take a few seconds but we all know the tremendous impact that God's people can have when we storm the gates of heaven in prayer! Just breathe a few words in prayer for our son as you're brushing your teeth or driving to work each day - it would mean the WORLD to us if you'd join us. Thank you all for your love and support, and for your prayers for our sweet baby boy :]
And now... more cute sono pics ;]
The baby also comes complete with undeniably male genitalia, and we're thrilled to announce that our first child is a baby BOY named Benjamin Elijah! We wanted to name him after his daddy, but didn't want him to be a "junior" (Ben's name is Benjamin Franklin, believe it or not), so we'll call him Eli. We were (well, I was) a little unsure about the girl name, so it's a good thing he turned out to be a boy and saved me all the angst of trying to commit to a girl name - we've been completely sold on the boy name since before he was conceived, so it was pretty easy!
So far, Eli isn't showing any CF-related symptoms, which is encouraging news. There is a complication that occurs in about 15% of CF babies called meconium ileus (MI), which is essentially a bowel obstruction made up of meconium (which is the term for all babies' first poop, which accumulates throughout pregnancy and is usually passed within the first 24 hours of life outside the womb). That's what we're looking for on all of our ultrasounds now - an "echogenic bowel" which could indicate that an MI is developing. Some CF babies are born with some liver disease as well, though that is FAR more rare than MI. At any rate, the maternal-fetal medicine doctor that we spoke with after the ultrasound said that she saw NO signs of anything CF-related. Of course, even if he doesn't develop any of those fetal period complications, he could still very well have CF (85% of CF babies don't develop MI), but it's encouraging nonetheless, and makes us feel better about delivering with the midwives at the community hospital. If we did see that he could be developing an MI, we would have to plan on delivering at Hopkins instead, as he would probably need immediate surgery after birth to remove the obstruction and would have to be transferred there anyway.
Unfortunately, that's not the end of this sonogram story for our sweet baby boy. The reason that the doctor came in to speak with us in the first place was that the ultrasound did turn up an abnormal finding (entirely unrelated to CF). It turns out the Eli has a multicystic dysplastic left kidney. His kidney is enlarged and contains several variably sized cysts, and will most likely (90%) never be functional. The development of the cysts is a result of abnormal embryological development - it's a structural issue with the way the piping hooked up to the kidney during early development - and though the kidney could (10%) function for some unknown length of time with the cysts, the cysts won't resolve themselves or go away. Most likely, the kidney will just shrivel up (or involute) during the first five years of his life. He will have to be followed by a pediatric urologist who will monitor the bad kidney to make sure that it's not getting infected or causing any other problems, and so long as it behaves (shrivels up like it should) it can just stay in there - there's no medical need to remove it. If it does start to cause any problems, it will just need to be removed laparoscopically.
Of course, we all know that a person can live a perfectly normal life with only one kidney. We know that he's going to be OK no matter what happens with this bad kidney - whether it ever functions or not. But dangit, my baby deserves to start his life with ALL of his organs present and functioning, and so I've decided to start praying for a miracle. There is no prayer request too big for our awesome God, no matter how physically "impossible" it may seem. I know with every fiber of my being that we could go back for our next ultrasound in 6 weeks and that kidney could be miraculously healed. That may not be God's will for Eli, but we have resolved that if this is a test of faith, we're going to show God just how big our faith is by trusting Him with an "impossible" request. We're going to pray faithfully EVERY DAY over the next 6 weeks for healing for our baby boy's kidney. We're not going to just pray for the bare minimum - that his other kidney remains healthy and that nothing else goes wrong - we're swinging for the fences on this one.
I'd like to ask each and every one of you, our dear friends and family, to join us in this little "prayer crusade" of ours over the next 6 weeks. I ask that you would commit yourself to say a little prayer each morning for a healed kidney for Eli. It will only take a few seconds but we all know the tremendous impact that God's people can have when we storm the gates of heaven in prayer! Just breathe a few words in prayer for our son as you're brushing your teeth or driving to work each day - it would mean the WORLD to us if you'd join us. Thank you all for your love and support, and for your prayers for our sweet baby boy :]
And now... more cute sono pics ;]
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