Nora's Birth

April 23rd, 2015 was a gorgeous, sunny day... but let's face it - the weather didn't make much difference to us. It was the day that we would finally meet our sweet baby girl. Ten months and two days after we buried our first-born daughter Grace Adalyn, we were on our way to the hospital to welcome her little sister, Nora Grace. Of course, as we turned off of the beltway onto our exit Gracie's song came on the radio, and of course, and I cried. I cried because I missed her, and because I couldn't wait to meet her sister, and because I felt a touch of guilt over that, and because those emotions were just overwhelming.

We arrived and checked in and were escorted back to our pre-op room by a nurse who explained that she was just getting things started for the nurse who would be taking care of us. At some point along the way we heard her mention the new nurse's name: Kayla. Ben's ears perked up and he asked if there was more than one Kayla, to which she replied "no", and we knew that it was our Kayla - one of the two nurses who cared for us during our hospital stay with Gracie. Someone who had met our girl, who had helped us through the most difficult day of our lives, who understood the extra gravity of what was about to happen today. We couldn't believe it. As soon as she entered the room she recognized us and her face lit up! She quickly made arrangements to stay with us through the operation and post-op recovery. As if this day wasn't already going to be incredible, having her there just made our day. I can't even begin to tell you what it meant to us.

After about 2 1/2 hours of IV fluids, consent forms and the Golf Channel, it was time to go. I was relaxed, excited, and so blissfully happy. After our traumatic debacle with Eli and Gracie's stillbirth, I had yet to experience such pleasantness surrounding the birth of a child! The spinal anesthesia went smoothly and quickly, and within a few minutes I was prepped for surgery and chatting with my scrubbed-and-gowned doctor as she made the first incision.

In the span of about 5 minutes, she had exposed my uterus and was maneuvering our baby out into the world. I felt nothing - no pain, not even the slightest discomfort. I found myself laying there just waiting to suddenly feel the sharp, burning pain that I felt through most of Eli's birth, but it never came! My (super-awesome) anesthesiologist set up a mirror so that I could watch the birth. As soon as her little head popped up through the incision our little Nora Grace let out an ear-piercing shriek, and she had arrived!

 These photos taken by Nurse Kayla!

They repositioned my mirror so that I could see her in the corner of the room on the warmer as they cleaned and assessed her. The mood in the OR was so light and joyful; so much laughter and smiling! As I laid there listening to my doctors casually chatting back and forth and watching in the mirror as my husband snapped photo after photo of our new baby girl, it hit me: THIS is how a birth is supposed to be. I'm sure that seems obvious to the rest of the world, but for me, it had never felt this way. I had never been so worry-free and purely happy as my child entered the world.

 

No more than two minutes after Ben had brought her over to me for her first kisses from mommy, my doctor had finished closing and was ready to transfer me to the recovery room. She wasn't kidding when she told me (and Kayla confirmed) that she's fast. In the recovery room Ben immediately passed her over to me and she wasted no time in seeking out her food source - she latched on with little assistance and nursed for the first time.

We had some skin-to-skin time, but it wasn't long before nausea and vomiting forced me to hand her over to daddy. Apparently IV dilaudid is a little too much for me! Vomiting after abdominal surgery isn't terribly pleasant, but it got me a few lovely shots of Ben and his baby girl...

We spent some extra time in recovery while I got over the nausea, but before we left, we snapped a photo with our angel nurse...

 ...And then it was time to head to our room on the Mother Baby Unit, and welcome the onslaught of visitors...

 ...the highlight, of course, being Eli's visit...

He was so terribly excited! That was quite possibly the moment that I had been most looking forward to. He was so sweet when Gracie was born - so excited to meet her and so proud of her. He still talks about her and lists her among his family members. I have always felt like he had something stolen from him when we lost her. He was so sensitive about it all, and he has said and done so many little things that have given me a window into the sadness that he felt, in his own way. Introducing him to another baby sister - one that we would be able to bring home and that he would grow up with - was so very meaningful for us. There just aren't any words.

So, that's the story of how our family grew to 5. This first family photo was impossible - I looked like crap, we couldn't get Eli to look at the camera and smile, and we forgot to include the little lamb that holds Gracie's heartbeat recording. But, this is real life. This was us on April 23rd, 2015. It hasn't gotten much better since then - we're still a mess! - but a beautiful mess.

A New Calling

Our lives have changed dramatically since the loss of our sweet Gracie girl. Our hearts are different, our perspective has changed, and our priorities have been rearranged. Experiencing God's profound peace and grace first-hand, through what was probably the single most devastating event of our lives, left an indelible mark on our family. We grew closer to each other and our bond was strengthened in indescribable ways, but more importantly, we drew exponentially closer to God. That experience has been a testimony-defining one. It will always be a central theme when we tell the story of how we came to know God.

Sure, we were both saved as children when we accepted Jesus and began our lifelong walk with Him. But that walk is an ever-evolving journey of growth. In order to become more like Christ we have to get to know Him, and that tends to happen in tough times. There is nothing quite like the pure, rock-bottom devastation of losing a child to inspire a person to seek His face. Whether that seeking is fueled by anger and frustration, or by a fundamental recognition of ones own inadequacy to make sense of tragedy in this life, you seek Him out. You beg for miracles, you cry out in grief, and in my experience, you ultimately break under the weight of the pain and desperately plead for peace - for the ability to "deal", for the numbing effect of His love, for the perspective it takes to see beyond the injustice and the hurt... for the soul-quieting peace that allows you to simply "be" again, even though you'll never "be" the same. And then He fulfills His promise, and delivers the very peace you need in the very moment you need it most.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."  

Matthew 11:28

"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall^, but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."  

Isaiah 40:29-31

We have learned, through this loss, something that seems obvious now - that our testimonies are ever-changing. A testimony isn't just the story of "How I Got Saved". For Ben and I, those stories are rather uninspiring. Gracie's life - and the way that God revealed His profound love to us through it - have become a highlight in the stories of our walks with Christ, but in hindsight there's so much more. Allow me to focus more on Ben's story for a moment.

As our dear friend and youth Pastor Kevin described it in his sermon two Sundays ago, losing Gracie left Ben undone - broken down on His knees in awe and wonder at the power of a loving God, who could take the deepest devastation of our lives and turn it into a beautiful and life-altering experience. It brought us back to church. We needed to feel close to Him again, to worship Him as we processed this miracle that He had performed, to reconnect with other believers and share this story. But it wasn't long before we realized that we needed to make a change. We had always enjoyed the sermons and everyone was very nice, but we had never really felt connected or inspired at our church. Kevin and his wife and kids are our neighbors and they had invited us to come and try out their church, so we decided to give it a try. To put it simply, we found our new church family that Sunday. We had never before felt so moved to serve, to connect, to get involved. Before long, Ben was serving as a greeter, helping with weekly set-up, and volunteering with the students ministry. We both took on our church's challenge to read through the Bible in a year, and Ben was waking up in the 4 o'clock hour every morning to read before work. He was leading our family in prayer at dinner time every night. All of these little changes amounted to a shift in spiritual leadership in our home. I watched my husband assume his God-given role in our family. 

Fast-forward to early 2015. Ben began to feel unsettled at his job. I started noticing a dramatic increase in his stress level, and he began to make comments here and there that really made me wonder whether his heart was still in his work. Sometime in early March he finally confessed that he was feeling uninspired, that he didn't want to stay where he was, that he wanted a new job that he could feel passionate about... but he had no idea what he wanted to do. I can only imagine what a terrifying feeling it is to suddenly realize at 30 years old that you have no idea what you want to do with your life, but that's where Ben found himself. In the past he had daydreamed about working at a golf course some day, when I finally make "real doctor money" and we aren't so dependent on his salary, but even golf-related work had lost its appeal. There was one thing, though... just one single light in the darkness. He said that the only thing he felt passionate about was serving his church.

We decided that evening that it was time to pray long and hard for God's guidance. It was time to start the ball rolling toward a big change. We had no idea what serving the church might look like for someone like Ben - someone with a largely mechanical and technical background, with no seminary training or biblical education. But we prayed. And we prayed. And we pondered. And we prayed. And he kept on feeling that call to ministry, and remained at a loss for any other work that might inspire him. 

Then, it happened. After nearly 8 years at his job, and exactly one week after Nora was born, along with 7 other co-workers, Ben was laid off. While it wasn't exactly the order of operations that we had been planning for, it seemed as though God was forcing Ben's hand. Now he would have to make a change - he didn't have a choice. While we could clearly see that this lay-off had the potential to be a tremendous blessing, it also should have been rather terrifying. We have never had a robust "rainy day fund", mostly living paycheck-to-paycheck through medical school. We had literally just brought home a new baby. We have a mortgage. We pay for day care. Yet once again, we found ourselves feeling inexplicably peaceful in the face of what should have felt like a disaster. We began to feel excited at the prospect of a new beginning for Ben - one that was so clearly being laid out before him as part of a plan that only God could design. A plan that was not our own, but His. 

If there is a single take-home point that I would hope to impress upon anyone who hears the story of Gracie's life, it would be that God's will is infinitely more perfect than our own - that only He sees the big picture of our lives, and our understanding is so limited that it is just plain silly to assume that we know better. Living in this truth is so freeing! We don't have to figure this out on our own, because the One who sees it all already knows where we're headed and how we will get there - we need only trust Him. That's it. That's all. Plain and simple. 

While most people would have immediately hit the pavement, beefing up resumes and submitting job applications anywhere and everywhere, Ben found himself feeling led to simply be still. He has continued his prayerful seeking, has consulted with our pastors and with trusted friends and family, and dives daily into the scriptures and other books recommended by our pastor. 

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 

Philippians 4:6-7

From the outset of all this, his "dream job" has been to serve as a staff member at our own church, but he knew that a paid position was unlikely to be an option. He went to discuss it with our lead Pastor anyway, mostly to glean some spiritual guidance and pray with him. Ben came home positively glowing that day, having been offered an unpaid opportunity to work alongside the leadership team as an intern, to learn more about what it is to serve in full-time ministry. It was exactly what he had hoped for (though he would still need to find flexible part-time work to supplement my income, which is oh-so-fortuitously - and in God's perfect timing - about to increase as I begin my residency)! Just yesterday after church, another ministry opportunity was randomly presented to him out of the blue! 

God is moving in all of this, and we are so excited to see where He will lead our family. As Ben's wife, I am positively giddy at the prospect of him finding his calling. He has never worked in a position that provided the opportunity to really flex his spiritual gifts, and I know that ministry work will do exactly that. He is far and away the most gregarious, easy-to-talk-to, kind-hearted and genuine people-person I have ever met - he was made to serve others. I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to support him (as he has done for me for so many years) along a path toward a life of service to God, and the greater fulfillment, joy, self-confidence and passion that it will undoubtedly bring. It won't be an easy road, but then again, there hasn't been a whole lot of "easy" around here lately. God has strengthened our marriage relationship and our family ties so profoundly, and I can see now that maybe He has been preparing us for something big.

New Life... and all the feels

Oh friends, how I have been longing to blog to you! I've been in one of those "don't-know-where-to-start" ruts... an "I-just-have-too-much-to-say" state of writing paralysis. Oh, and I've been nursing a newborn around the clock... there's also that. I still don't know where to start, so I'm just going to write and you'll have to excuse the messy, jumbled web of thoughts that will likely follow. The messier it is, the more accurately it reflects the state of affairs inside my foggy, sleep-deprived mind ;-)

Nora. I certainly have a few things to say about my sweet Nora Grace. Quite simply, she is perfection. She is beautiful, for one thing.

I mean, seriously.

She is also a relatively easy-going baby, fortunately. She has been a nursing champ from day one, latching on within minutes of birth and never looking back. That fact alone is an enormous relief. Anyone who has breastfed knows what a tremendous challenge it can be - a painful, frustrating roller coaster that is, much of the time, entirely dependent upon this tiny new person's cooperation. It can take you to your wits end like nothing else you've ever experienced before (along with many other aspects of the newborn experience, let's be honest). I am SO very grateful that we haven't struggled in that department. Eli and I did struggle quite a bit in the beginning, likely as a result of the bottle feeding we were forced into during his NICU stay. But that's neither here nor there, and I'm certainly not bitter about it (yes, yes I am).

Nora's major struggle thus far has been weight gain. She was born a little peanut, at 6 lbs 9 oz. That was quite a shock to me, as every baby born into our family seems to be in the 8-9 pound range. At any rate, at 2 weeks she is just a hair shy of regaining her birth weight, at 6 lbs 8.5 oz. She peed right before that weighing, which is probably where that last 1/2 ounce went :-p Our doctor is happy with her weight, her feeding, her peeing and pooping, her color, her tone... everything! It's just tough for us not to worry, given the looming threat of Cystic Fibrosis. The test that would indicate that she may have CF is the state newborn metabolic screen - you may have heard it referred to as the "PKU" or "heel stick". As our doctor explained it, "normals" typically aren't reported for weeks to months - they get SO many samples (from every baby born across the entire state) that the "normal" pile takes a while to process. Abnormal results, on the other hand, are reported back to the pediatrician more quickly, as an abnormal result has health implications for the newborn and interventions may need to be started immediately. The fact that we haven't heard back from the state screening lab at this point is "a good sign" - it's likely that her screening was normal. But waiting around and hoping NOT to get a phone call has been rather taxing, I don't mind telling you. Especially with her slow weight gain, which is the hallmark of CF in newborns. Initial slow weight gain also happens to be relatively common in normal breastfed babies, so it doesn't mean anything with regard to CF. But it has caused us to analyze every poop and every spit-up and every 1/2 ounce of weight in either direction, and that is emotionally exhausting. But like I said, our pediatrician is thrilled with her and thinks she's doing great, so we're riding those positive vibes. We adore our pediatrician and have the utmost faith in her!

But do you know what else is exhausting? A 3 1/2 year old who just got a new sibling. WHEW. People tried to warn me. I adore my son. Love him to the moon and beyond. He will always be the beautiful, perfect little person who made me a mommy. His needs are just so dramatically amplified right now, and it's REALLY tough on a sleep-deprived and stressed-out mama of a newborn. Especially when mama is waiting on very important news regarding huge health issues for new baby. Bringing home baby #2 is so dramatically different from #1 because #1 is now a toddler with complex physical and emotional needs, whose little world has always revolved around himself, and who is now being thrust into an entirely unfamiliar and uncomfortable state of being, living at the edge of the spotlight rather than firmly planted in the center of it. I have to remind myself about 57,000 times a day of just how hard this is for him. Not only is he no longer the only child that we have to tend to, he is also dealing with his mama's physical restrictions (having had a c-section), which keep her from their normal routine in many ways.

Just last night I stayed home alone with both babies while Daddy went to Bible study. He made sure that everything was teed up for bedtime before he left, but I would be putting Eli to bed. Nora, of course, chose Eli's bedtime as an opportune moment to muster up some uncharacteristic fussiness. I was in the middle of balancing on Eli's bed (mattress on the floor) with Nora in one arm and Eli's bedtime story in the other, reading over top of her screams, when I finally decided to just go ahead and latch her on. That's the beauty of having breastfed once before (and having a cooperative nurser), by the way - multitasking is coming more naturally to me this time around! Anyway, that settled her down enough to finish Eli's story, but I couldn't turn out the lights and snuggle with him as is our routine. As soon as I unlatched her, she got right back to screaming. I turned out the lights and promised Eli that I would be back to snuggle, over his protests ("Please don't leave, Mommy!" ...ouch), and went across the hall to my bedroom to finish nursing her. She also requires some upright time after nursing to prevent spitting up, so about 15 minutes later I was finally just about ready to return to Eli's room when I heard a weak cry coming from his room. "Mommy, are you coming back? Please come back, Mommy!" Ugh. It wrecked my hormonal heart. I laid Nora in her bassinet and laid my still-aching post-c-section body down in my little boy's bed and tried not to cry on him. I apologized to him for having to leave, and talked to him about how little Nora is and how mommy is the only person who can feed her, and how I really didn't want to leave him, and how I missed him while I was gone... I tried. And he was fine. But I wasn't. It hurts me - to my core - to hurt his tender feelings. To be forced to put anyone else's needs before his. By the same token, it hurts to hear my tiny, helpless newborn scream for food that only I can provide for her. I have never before had to make a choice like that. Now, those choices are going to happen over and over, on a daily basis. I can't be everything for both of them in every moment of every day. I feel tremendously blessed to have them both, and to have given them each a sibling to treasure for life, and I wouldn't change a thing. It's just hard. I knew that it would be.

Something else that is strangely difficult and beautiful about all of this is... well... Gracie. Nora looks just like her when she sleeps (which is the bulk of our day). Nora wouldn't be here without her. I had to lose Gracie in order to have Nora, but I desperately want Gracie to be here, and I am desperately in love with Nora. Their two lives are so intertwined, and it's so simultaneously devastating and miraculous. How does a mother sort out how she feels about such circumstances? I don't think she does. I think she just lives with this bizarre and beautiful reality, with no choice but to thank God for the moment, and for the lives of these three babies that have been entrusted to her, and for the abundant blessings that have sprung from each of them. That's really all you can say. And there it is... Gracie's song just popped on the radio. Like it did when we were on the way to the hospital to meet Nora. She is ALWAYS. HERE.

Now I'm all choked up over Gracie's song and my post-partum hormones, and her little sister is stirring and ready to nurse. I plan to write about (and post some photos of) our birth experience soon. Spoiler alert: It's far less dramatic than our prior two birth experiences. And that's a VERY good thing!