Contentment

I know it's been a while... but I've recently come to the conclusion that the way I handle blogging is a little unhealthy for me. I don't mean to sound dramatic, and that probably sounded dramatic... sorry. What I mean to say is that, by airing my deepest thoughts and emotions to the world, I end up putting myself in a position where I constantly feel like I have to explain myself or justify myself if my perspective changes. It's not your fault - don't worry - none of you have ever really made me feel that way. I do it to myself, but it's a very real phenomenon I've noticed. Especially right now, while I'm dealing with some intensely personal decisions and changing my mind on what often seems like a weekly basis, I've been trying to keep my thoughts to myself and give myself the freedom to waffle back and forth. I think I need that. I need to deliberate, and to have in-depth conversations with people who have the knowledge and perspective to contribute to my internal debate, and to let the wisdom of the 'wisers' in my life influence my perspective, without apologizing. And every time I get on my blog and tell the world that I've decided X, Y or Z, I then feel like I have to explain myself if X, Y or Z doesn't pan out. I'm just too conflicted to be open about it all right now. Sorry to disappoint :'(

For now, I'm focusing on contentment. I don't have to finish my schooling by a certain time, or reach a certain goal by a certain age, or finish X before I can even think about Y, or any of that. I just have to live my life, day by day, and make the decisions that make me (and my husband!) happy. I don't need a 'plan' or a checklist. I don't owe anyone an explanation or a timeline. This place of contentment - of being happy exactly where I am and allowing the future to remain in the future - has not been easy to find. I'm a total 'type-A' personality - a list-making, spreadsheet-updating, always-planning kind of girl who rarely flies by the seat of her pants. Yet here I am, at this profound cross-roads in my life, doing just that. Good thing I have faith in the One who knows where I'm headed!

The Giant Fork in My Road

I'm beginning to get a little scared. And a little frustrated with myself. I'm sorry that I keep getting on here and "boohooing" - I have so much to be thankful for and it's not that I'm not grateful for all of the blessings I've been given - but this really sucks. I had a path. I knew where my life was headed. Now I don't.

I also don't know how to remedy this situation. I thought I knew what I wanted once, and I was wrong, so how do I go about making another decision now? I've lost some amount of faith in my ability to discern what's best for me, and I'm beginning to feel like I don't know myself very well at all. I've never been in this situation before - at least not that I was ever aware of. Turns out I didn't really know what I wanted before, but I didn't know that at the time. Now I know that I didn't really know what I wanted, and worse, that I still don't know what I want. And even more terrifying, I don't have a clue as to where to start. I don't know how to figure out what I want, I don't know how to make a decision, and I don't know how to trust that decision either.

These are the options that I currently find myself considering: (a) I could return to medical school (though I'm 98% certain that's not happening), (b) I could go to nursing school, or (c) I could get a PhD and do CF research forever. A month or so ago, I would've said that I was sold on nursing school. You could still say that I'm leaning in that direction, and to be honest I do still expect that that's where I'll end up when the dust settles, but there's been a little hiccup in the plan. I fell in love with research again. Oops.

Nearly every day at work, I find myself loving what I do. When I'm in lab meetings talking through data with my colleagues and thinking about new questions to pursue, I'm sold on research. I enjoy bench work, I enjoy thinking through the complexities of cellular mechanisms and genetics and experimental protocols, and I enjoy working with real clinical data. Six months ago I would've laughed in your face if you had told me that I'd fall in love with research all over again one day - I thought that I was burned out. Done. Sick of it. But I discovered that as soon as I found a field of research that I truly cared about and was invested in, the entire game changed. It all matters to me now. I love hearing about the other projects going on in the lab, I love considering the projects that I could contribute to, and I love hearing my boss get passionate about learning more about CF. It used to be that I sat through lab meetings and listened politely, but never truly cared about anyone else's projects and never got particularly 'fired up' to work harder on my own. Maybe it's just this lab or this boss, but I think it's CF. When I think about moving on and leaving CF research behind, it just breaks my heart.

The most direct path to stay involved in what I'm doing now would be the PhD route. I can keep doing bench research, even stay here at Hopkins (if I get in!) and even stay in this lab if I play my cards right. And in the basic sciences PhDs are always grant-funded, so students don't pay their own tuition (the program pays initially until a thesis lab is selected, and then the thesis lab pays), and they even get a living expense stipend (read: no more loans). It's about a 5 or 6 year endeavor for most people, depending on how long it takes you to complete your thesis project, but it's only 2 years of didactic, lecture-based study - the rest is more like a 9-5 research job (read: relatively conducive to childbearing).

However, the PhD route means letting go of the clinical world and saying goodbye to the prospect of any patient contact. Sure, I might work with patient samples, but I won't take care of patients in any capacity. This also breaks my heart. And so the pendulum swings back toward nursing school. The program I've applied to will spit me out in 16 months with a BSN (converts my BS in biochemistry and molecular biology to a BS in Nursing, essentially) and a Masters, with the title "Clinical Nurse Leader" (in addition to RN). I'd be Jenna Bonner, RN, CNL, BSN, MS. LOL! I don't know about the order, but something along those lines ;] Anyway, financially this program is not the better choice. I already have a mountain of educational loan debt (I don't think people quite understand what I mean when I say that, so just to give you an idea, we're talking several brand new cars-worth), and this would add at least another $50 or $60K to that. We're approaching a threshold at which I fear my nursing salary won't be enough to comfortably pay off all these loans. A PhD salary would be much more comfortable, and I'd keep my loan balance where it sits now.

The nursing path does leave more doors open, which is what makes it so appealing to me. Ultimately I could choose bedside care, nursing research, clinical research coordination, or some combination of these things. I could see patients two days and week and work as a study coordinator for the other three, for example. I know nurses who do all sorts of things you'd never expect nurses to do - it's really a surprisingly diverse career field... SO much more than bedside care. The key, for me, is that it leaves open the possibility of incorporating patient care and research into my career. HOWEVER - insert caveat here - I believe that the kind of research that I enjoy doing would require a PhD. I could participate with clinical studies or coordinate clinical research projects as a nurse, but in order to do the basic bench science, I'd have to go back after a few years of working as a nurse to get a nursing PhD. We all know that once I'm working and I have a few kids the whole PhD thing will be sidelined for a good while, so if I'm being honest with myself (which I'm really trying to focus on doing these days!), research is probably something I'd get into later in my nursing career. I could certainly get involved sooner as a clinical study coordinator, but I won't be able to do much "bench research" without a PhD.

Now, to be fair, there is a third option. I could apply to the MD/PhD program at my school as an internal applicant - MD/PhDs do both clinical and research work. But I think we've already established that being an MD is just too much career commitment for me. Throwing research responsibilities on top of that isn't exactly a solution to the problem, it's an exacerbation of the problem! So we'll just go ahead and scratch that one off the list, I think ;]

Then there's this pesky little issue of time. I've already applied to nursing school, and PhD program applications are due next month. I basically just decided to apply to both to cover my bases while I sit here scratching my head til next fall, in hopes that by then I will have made a decision and can start down whichever path I choose (so long as I get in to both programs... perhaps if I only get in to one that'll be my sign!). "Why the rush for next fall" you might ask...? Because as long as I'm not in school I'm forced to pay on my mountain of loans, and that's money that I just don't have laying around (ya know how I said it was several brand new cars-worth? So, the payments will be several car payments-worth, per month). So, you see, I'm stuck either making a decision soon, or paying on my loans for another entire year. I'm already paying on some of them, but I'll be able to defer payments for this spring semester because I'm enrolled in community college classes to complete some prerequisites for the nursing program (score!). But after May, I'll be on my own.

So, here I sit. Unable to make a decision, and stressed about the financial ramifications of each choice (including the choice to postpone making that decision). Not to mention the ramifications for my future in general... you know, the fact that this decision is going to determine what I do with 8 (or more) hours of every day for the rest of my life. No big deal, right?!

Sorry if I'm being melodramatic. I'm just a little lost, a little frustrated, a little stressed... and I just don't know what to do about any of it!

Answer your *#$%in' PHONE!!!

I think about "connectedness" a lot. Most would agree it's a great thing. We've all been in situations in which we very nearly dropped to our knees in public to praise God for cell phones. Whether it's calling from the store for a vital piece of information off that notepad on the fridge, or calling AAA from the side of the road with a flat tire, cell phones are darn handy. And nowadays, they're even handier! GPS navigation, weather reports, internet access, e-mail on your hip... most of us would agree that it's becoming difficult to live without one (myself most definitely included).

However, I'm pretty sure we've also been on both sides of this irritating scenario... the one in which someone isn't answering their *%#& PHONE!!! You're either (a) the person calling, who just knows that this person should be answering, or (b) the person not answering, feeling perfectly justified in just not answering your phone at this particular moment because, darnit, you're in the middle of something (god forbid)! But in the age of perpetual connectedness, we're all expected to be at the world's beck and call, and so we catch crap for not answering. When we don't answer, the caller either gets irritated or worried. If said caller happens to be your mom or your wife, you can turn on your police scanner and listen for the missing persons report that will soon go out over the airwaves! Surely, if we're not answering, there must be something terribly wrong.

My husband is a helpless victim of involuntary ringtone response syndrome (I just made that up... like it?!). He can't help it... he has to answer. It doesn't matter if we're eating dinner (even at a restaurant), watching a movie, or in the middle of a conversation. He's convinced that the one time he doesn't answer, it'll be someone calling with an emergency. It's highly irritating. My response, of course, is the old "if it's an emergency they'll leave a message or keep calling", but apparently that's not good enough. He also answers unknown numbers, which I refuse to do (unless I know that I'm expecting an important call from someone that isn't in my contacts). And his obsession extends to my phone, too! When some number I don't recognize calls my phone, he wants to answer it and find out who it is, because he knows I won't. I don't know if it's unrestrainable curiosity or what, but he actually tries to wrestle my phone from me sometimes! Now, let me add that I KNOW that an unknown number could very well be an emergency, but I always check for a voicemail after I ignore a call, to find out if it was something important. Take home message: If you have an emergency and need to get ahold of me from a different number, leave a message ;]

I'm writing about all this because it irritates me. While I love my cell phone, love being able to stay in touch all the time and am a texting fiend, I also feel that I reserve the right to be out of contact for a minute if I so choose. I hate that I have to feel guilty for not answering my phone, because I'm probably making someone worry about me. I loathe the expectations that cell phones place on us and our personal lives - that we should be available at any moment to drop what we're doing and answer a call or a text or an e-mail. Many employers send their employees home with Blackberrys for that very purpose - so that they can always be accessible. I, for one, think that we owe it to ourselves and our families to back off the "connectedness" during certain times of the day. We owe our families our undivided attention from time to time! I know that many families have already instituted "no cell phone" rules for dinnertime and perhaps other times as well, but so many of us are just too addicted (not naming any names, sweetheart!) to let go.

The worst part is that children are now growing up in this culture of connectedness, and are not only suffering from the infiltration of work life into home life as we adults become more and more "connected", but are learning the same behaviors. We're giving our children cell phones at younger and younger ages, even smartphones (I once watched a middle school-aged girl look up the meaning of "4/20" from the church nursery, where she was supposed to be volunteering with the kids... Oye), which not only gives them largely unsupervised access to the internet any time of the day or night (case in point, 4/20 at church!) but also ushers them into this crazy world of connectedness far too soon. It becomes a part of their world - as natural as breathing - and it's only going to be compounded through the generations.

I don't think that this is happening simply because kids are begging for phones. I think that our consumerism is largely fear-driven these days (as are many aspects of our lives, but I won't get into the heavy politics here!), and we feel the need to extend that connectedness to our children for our own sake. What if they need a ride home from school? What if they're out somewhere with a friend and suddenly need me? What if soccer practice ends early? To me, the answers to those questions are obvious. Now, quick aside, I'm all for progress - I don't buy into the argument that if our parents did something a certain way 30 years ago and we're still alive, it should still be good enough for parenting today. Things change, progress is made, and it's largely to the benefit of our children. But in this case I'll say it anyway... "In my day," if I needed a ride home from school, I went to the secretary's office and asked to call my mom. If I was with a friend and needed my mom, I would've asked my friend's mom to call my mom (because I wouldn't have been out at a mall or someplace with a friend with no parental supervision before I was old enough to figure out a payphone, but that's yet another parenting discussion for another day!). You know what I'm saying? Our kids don't need cell phones. We just need to be connected to them 24 hours a day.

Now, I'm no mother, so I can't say that I know what it's like to send your child out in a car with another parent or to leave them someplace for a sleepover. I don't know that fear and worry yet, so I'll try not to judge. But I really believe that cell phones are doing more harm than good these days, at least as far as children are concerned (and maybe even for adults, but I'll be the first to admit that my phone ain't goin' nowhere!). I shudder to think of the things I'll be dealing with when my children are old enough to understand more about the world around them, and I wonder when I'll start being nagged about a cell phone. Of course, cell phones will probably be the least of my worries by that point, Lord knows. Ugh. This world. I tell ya.

So what do you think? Have you considered when you'll give your children cell phones? How do you feel about cell phones in your own life?

On A Lighter Note...

Perhaps a little update is in order? Let's see...

We have yet another new addition to our family to report! Austin Richard Elmore was born on October 27th, weighing in at a whopping 9 lbs 10 oz! He officially takes the cake for biggest baby born in this family! Our sister-in-law (Ben's step-brother Rick's wife) was induced and had a relatively long labor, but all went well and everyone is happy and healthy at home. We finally get to meet the little cutie on Sunday, and we're pretty pumped! I can't believe we haven't gotten to see him yet. Ben has been working late most evenings, and our weekends are always rather ridiculous.

In other news, we started the South Beach Diet a little over two weeks ago. The "little over two weeks ago" being significant because it means we're past the toughest part - the first two weeks. It's essentially NO carbs for the first two weeks, which was rough considering the fact that Halloween fell within that span. Ugh. I did have two gummy bears at a Halloween party, I won't lie. And two Michelob Ultra Amber's (which only have 3.2g of carbs each, which is less than some of the things I was allowed to eat, so yeah, I let myself cheat on that too). And then on Halloween, while celebrating with the kids at Ben's sister's house, I also had about 5 bites of this...

Holy smokes, it was good. Pumpkin cake, and the middle layers were made of sugar, cream cheese, whipped cream and pumpkin. Amberly made it. WOW. After trick-or-treating with the kids, staring at giant bowls of candy and watching everyone else eat pizza for dinner (whilst I enjoyed my 45th salad of the week), I had to take a few bites. But, really and truly, that was the extent of my cheating, folks. Meanwhile, my husband was sitting out on the front porch "handing out candy" (read: eating reese's peanut butter cups and drinking beer). Of course he'll still lose weight despite the cheating, because that's what men do. But for now, I'm satisfied, because I've lost just over 8 pounds so far :]

Turns out that, apparently, just working out doesn't work so well. First of all, working out alone isn't great because it requires SO much work to off-set the number of calories you'd normally eat in a day, even if you're "eating healthy" (which was always my compromise... "but I eat healthy!"), much less to burn more calories than you eat (which, less face it, is what you have to do to lose weight!). You really have to calorie-restrict in order to lose weight through exercise, and then you're not "just exercising", now are you? But it has been very encouraging to see that dieting alone is enough - I didn't exercise at all until yesterday. That also gives me hope that once I do start exercising more regularly, I'll be able to keep losing despite the intensity of the diet dropping back down to a manageable level (I'm now allowed to start re-introducing good carbs like fruits and whole grains). We were both SO tired and hypoglycemic in the beginning (low blood sugar = shakes and crazy hunger pangs!) that it wouldn't have been wise to workout much, if at all, and so we decided we'd wait til after the first two weeks. A doctor that I work with is the one who recommended that course of action, so I feel justified ;]

That brings me to the exercise plan. Well, I won't say "plan". I don't like setting out exercise plans for myself, because I've found that setting high expectations only leads me into disappointment when they don't pan out, and then I get de-motivated and fall off the wagon. Instead, this time around I'm focusing on doing things I enjoy. First of all, I like running. Call me crazy, but I like the way it makes me feel and I like the satisfaction of adding distance and cutting time. So I hope to use running on the treadmill at the gym as my main source of cardio. I know that having only one goal in mind will make it much easier to go to the gym - I won't be there as long, and for me thinking about going on a run is much less stressful than thinking about multiple different things I want to accomplish at the gym. I do like lifting weights as a toning exercise, but it's never really given me the results I was looking for and it adds an unpleasant hour at the gym. Instead, I've decided to give yoga a whirl. Ben's cousin Candice has two small children and look A-MAZING, and when asked what she does to stay in shape, she said she runs and does yoga! Her arms are to die for... so, to yoga I go!

I went to my first class yesterday at Charm City Yoga in Towson. I got a deal on Livingsocial.com, which is a lot like Groupon if you've ever used that site. Basically there's a different "deal" around Baltimore every day, and if enough people agree to buy the deal then the vendor agrees to honor it. You're never locked into buying something until the vendor is, but they set a certain level of interest that has to be met before "the deal is on". Anyway, you pay for the deal through this website and then you get a printable voucher to take to the vendor. I got my running shoes that way. The deal was $40 for $80 worth of merchandise from Falls Road Running Store, so I paid $40 online to Groupon, took my voucher to FRR, and used it for $80 towards my running shoes. I've also bought deals for Ben to play golf, one for a restaurant, and this one for yoga. The yoga deal was $20 for an unlimited one-month membership (which is normally a $40 deal for new students, or $109 if you're not a new student!). Classes are $15 a pop, so I got a pretty amazing deal - $20 for as much yoga as I can stand for a month! Anyway, you should all join Groupon and LivingSocial to get deals in your area - totally worth it. They're usually REALLY good deals (like 50% off or more). Those links might take you to the Baltimore pages, so if you're not from around these parts be sure to change it so you get the right e-mails!

Anyway, back to yoga. LOVED IT. It's just what you need, no matter who you are. You need to be still and quiet sometimes, and it feels incredible to JUST BE for a little while. Stress-relieving, relaxing, good for the mind and the soul. Everyone should try it, at least once. I am NOT flexible either (I can't touch my toes, I'll admit it). Just go to a beginner class where no one expects you to bend like a pretzel and you'll be fine. That's what I did :] Anyway, at the beginner level it's not necessarily a sweaty workout (unless you do a hot class, where they heat the room to 85 or 90 degrees for deeper stretching and a more cleansing - read: sweaty - workout). But it does get you stretching your entire body and it works just about every muscle group you can imagine (and some you didn't know you had!). I'm sore today! I think it's going to be a perfect toning workout, and I suspect it's where Candice gets her beautiful lean arms ;] There's a lot of holding of poses, which requires you to engage certain muscle groups for extended periods, and that's where the "workout" comes into play.

It's also a perfect time to be still, meditate, and listen for God's still small voice in your life. You don't have to be Buddhist or Hindu to reap the spiritual benefits of yoga - it is what you make of it. In my opinion, there's nothing wrong with taking time to focus on appreciating the world around you (God's creation), find more self-awareness, and get in touch with your inner thoughts, desires and feelings. If you can move beyond focusing on getting the moves right and bring some meditation and prayer into it, then it's all the better. I'm hoping that yoga becomes something that I do for myself, that I wouldn't give up because it's "my time". I need something that's just mine, that's separate from my husband and my work and anything else in my life. I'm hoping that I'll not only reap some physical benefits (those toned arms, for one!), but also some emotional and spiritual benefits as well. I know it can only be good for my state of mind, and I hope that I'll eventually be able to use it as quiet time with my God as well.

And now for something completely different... I'm still working on hobby-fying my photography. Now that I have my CAMERAAAAAAAA and my fun software, I'm finally getting a chance to play around a bit. I just got a camera bag, so now I can finally feel free to take it with me everywhere, too. I have a lot to learn, I'm finding, and still more equipment that I'd like to have, but for now I have plenty to get me started. Hopefully by the time the glory of spring landscapes is upon us, I'll be prepared to capture it ;]

OH, and I'm officially an applicant to the Clinical Nurse Leader program at the University of Maryland School of Nursing :] Submitted yesterday! Too bad I have many credits of coursework to complete and transcripts to submit before they'll review it. But at least it's in. I'm taking a 4-credit statistics workshop at the Johns Hopkins School of Public Health in January to cover my statistics requirement. I have a $5,000/year tuition credit as part of my benefits as a Hopkins employee, plus it's very relevant to my work with the CF Twin & Sibling Study, so it's paid for (and it meets during work hours, so technically I'll be paid for going!). I'll also be taking an online 100-level psych course through CCBC (Human Growth & Development) in the winter, and two more courses in the spring (Microbiology and Nutrition, both mostly online). Thank GOD for distance learning is all I can say! I'm so glad I won't have to be spending my evenings away from my hubby to do this.

I can't believe I wrote TWO really long posts in one afternoon. Sorry about that. Everyone is at a conference in DC so there are only two of us here at work. We've been leaving the lights off and having ourselves a relaxing time :] I've been finding little odds and ends to work on here and there, but unfortunately I'm still rather dependent on the other lab tech for the bench work (I still don't know where everything is, what needs doing, how certain things are handled... it's a process). So anyway, I've had a little extra time on my hands today. You win (or not)!

Thanks for reading :] I know I'm annoyingly long-winded - you're a champ for sticking with me!

My Horse

Cascade of Satin 

3.13.1987 - 10.??.2010

Rest in Peace, my sweet boy. You were well loved and your absence leaves an un-fillable hole. You were the best friend a little girl could've asked for, a sweet heart and a gentleman.

I miss you.

Satin apparently sustained a crushing fracture to his leg out in the field at some point during the night about two weeks ago. I wasn't even notified... I don't even want to get into it because I'm still so hurt and upset. Suffice it to say that he was an incredibly sweet guy, loved by all, who gave so much to so many in his 23 years. Most of my best childhood memories are of him. 

I always said he was the best horse ever, and no one ever disagreed with me. He truly was a rare and special horse. I hadn't been able to visit him in about a year, since starting school and moving an hour away from him, so at least my happy memories of him will remain in tact. The last time I saw him he was as happy as ever :]

I joined 4H so that I could take him on as a training project - he was a race horse that was supposed to become a therapeutic riding horse to serve the handicapped. Unfortunately for them, I fell in love with him and just couldn't give him up. After my one-year training project was over, my parents bought him for me for the measly price of $800. He was easily worth thousands. It was the best gift I ever received.

Satin and I won many a blue ribbon together - we showed together for several years. We were even grand champions in our division at the county fair one year! We showed in dressage, hunter-jumper and cross-country events, and jumping was always his favorite. He just LOVED to really get going and spring over fences, and I loved it too. We were the perfect match. Around the farm we loved to trail ride, ride bare-back in the summer and make up jumping courses out in the field. On the ground, he was as gentle as they come, and under saddle he was as well-behaved as the day is long.


Satin had become primarily a lesson horse over the past five years or so at the farm where he lived, once I went away to college. All the kids adored him - he was never short on attention or treats. He was perfect for beginners and advanced riders alike, and always seemed to know exactly what was expected of him. Satin always had the best possible care where he lived, and I'll always be grateful for that.


I always knew that I was incredibly lucky - owning your own horse is every little girl's dream. But I was even luckier than most, because I truly I lucked into the horse of a lifetime.


Thank you, Buddy. I love you.