Square One

I wish I knew how to convince myself that this is what I want with my life. I still feel SO incredibly conflicted about becoming a doctor. So often when I think about the future, I just can't see myself doing it. I feel like I'm giving up about half of my life's dreams to make way for this one, and I wouldn't even describe becoming a doctor as "my dream". I don't feel NEARLY that passionate about it. And it's not something I "always wanted to do", I didn't "always know" that's what I'd grow up to become. I just decided one day that that was what I was going to do. I always thought I wanted to be a biomedical researcher, but then I sorta got burned out on research so I decided that becoming a doctor was the obvious "other" medical path. You either go get a PhD or go get an MD. I've had my moments where I feel excited about my future as a doctor, but more often it just scares me senseless.

And it's not the debt that scares me, or the responsibility. It's the TIME. We have X number of years, days, minutes on this Earth. None of us knows what that X is, but what we do know is that X is all we have, and we only get it once. The idea of dedicating too much of that X to a job really upsets me. If you were to divide up my X at the end of my life, I'd want the biggest chunk of that pie chart to read "Family". I DO NOT want it to read "Work". That's just not me. But I feel like I've cornered myself into a career that will demand far more of me than I'm comfortable giving. WHY would I start down this path, knowing that I DON'T want to have one of those careers that requires more time and commitment than your average job? WHY?!?! And being a doctor isn't something you can just try out, decide it's not for you and then quit - if for no other reason than the tremendous debt hanging over your head that only a doctor's salary will pay off. There's a certain "point of no return" with this, and I know that it's fast approaching. I'm already tens of thousands of dollars in the hole, and I can't go much deeper before I will have fully committed myself (financially) to pulling down six figures for several decades to pay it off. And those years of hard work can't be postponed until after my kids are grown and I have all the time in the world to devote to work - they have to start as soon as I graduate, during the most formative years of my childrens' lives. I feel like the walls are very rapidly closing in around me, and it's essentially "now or never" if I want to get out of it.

Getting out now would still be a pretty serious financial challenge if that was what I decided to do, given the amount of student loan debt I already have. Not to mention, what would I decide to do with my life? We can't afford for me to stay home, so I'd have to either try to find a job now (with my BS in a scientific field full of PhD's... yeah, good luck!) or decide on a different educational path (requiring more student loans, of course). And honestly, I don't know anymore what would make me happy in terms of a career. I don't have the slightest clue. Physical Therapy? Physician's Assistant? Nursing? Who knows. Quite honestly, I feel like I don't even have the energy to start over. The whole prospect is so overwhelming - makes staying where I am sorta attractive!

Sometimes I think maybe taking a year off is the answer (because in medical school, taking a semester off isn't an option - it's all or nothing). Maybe I just need to take some serious time to think it through before I get any further into debt. Because like I said, the financial "point of no return" really is fast approaching, and I could put it off by taking some time off. But then I really wonder, would I EVER go back? I'd have to get a job in the meantime - would it just be too easy to stick with that and never look back? It's so scary to think about the possibility that I might look back on my life and wish I had stuck with it - that I may always wonder "what if..." and always feel like a failure for quitting. I've never just quit anything so huge - how would I feel about that decision 20 or 30 years down the road? Just as the "we only have so much time on this Earth" argument makes me wonder whether I really want this career, it also makes it painful to think about giving up such a HUGE opportunity to do something big with my "one shot at life". But then I think, at the end of the day, I know that my children will be the most important thing in my life - could I ever regret the decision to take a different path that would allow me to be a better mother, to spend more time with them, to coach their soccer teams, to bake cupcakes for their class parties...?

What I really need is a window into the future. I don't want to skip forward and GO to the future - I don't like to wish my life away like that - I just want to peer into it and see whether this is the right path or not. I pray about it ALL the time, but I just never feel sure. I just want to feel confident in my decision to stay or leave, and I don't know how to get there. I thought I was starting to feel better about things, and I really have been feeling better about the difficulty level and the stress and my grades. But as far as my feelings about whether this is what I really want, whether this career will make me happy, whether I'm giving up too much for something I don't feel 100% committed to... I just feel like I'm right back at square one. Or maybe I never even left square one. I don't know.

I understand that everyone just wants to make me feel better, when I start talking like this. People say "you'll be fine, you're just having a hard time adjusting" or "you're here for a reason" or whatever. And I appreciate the encouragement, but what if it's not true? What if I'm committing my LIFE to the wrong thing? My ENTIRE LIFE! It's KIND OF a big deal. I can't bear the thought of looking back on my life with that HUGE a regret. I'm so afraid that I've gotten this far by lying to myself and making myself believe that MY career as a doctor will be different. I'LL find a way to do it all and be happy. THIS doctor ain't workin' no 60-hour weeks. But what if I'm wrong? I do believe that picking the right specialty will help get me to where I want to be, and I believe that I'm on the right track with emergency medicine. Everything I hear from practicing EM physicians indicates that I'll be able to work 8-hour shifts, 14 or 15 shifts a month (about 4 days a week or less), with no call and the ability to swap shifts relatively easily with other people to make room for family events and such. Doesn't sound too bad - I feel like I can handle that. I just have to hope that I can handle EM!

I also have to keep reminding myself that what I just described is what I'll be dealing with for MOST of my career. My worries about 3rd and 4th years of medical school and residency - those are VERY temporary situations in the grand scheme of my life, and they are NOT good reasons to give up on this. Yeah, 3rd year will be long hours, constantly changing, hard work and lots of studying. But it's only 1 year. Yeah, residency will probably be 12 hour shifts, more like 4 or 5 days a week, and very stressful as far as being new at it, having to learn A LOT on the fly, having patients die and getting used to the work. But it's only 3 years. I also don't like to live my life under the assumption that "I have time", because none of us knows how much time we have, so I hate to say "well it's only X number of years, that's not much in the grand scheme of things."But when it comes to selecting and training for a lifelong career, I also can't operate under the assumption that I don't have enough time to make it all worth it (especially since I certainly hope that's not true!).

I suppose I've talked myself into feeling a little better. I just really hate this constant mental struggle - it makes me want to pull my hair out sometimes. It just happened to come to a head today, and for no real reason - nothing happened or anything, I just started thinking about it... again. And now I've set myself back on my studying for today. As long as I remain enrolled, I can't let myself get behind on that, so... until next breakdown!

A Party for Little Miss Emily Carsen Beck!

Last Saturday was the big baby shower that we've all been waiting to throw, for my sister Emily and her fabulous still-baking baby girl, Carsen! Amberly and I tried to put a lot of thought and creativity into it, and we were very happy with the result :] Amberly's pics are WAY better than mine - she just got a new kick-ass camera, plus she got many more shots of actual PEOPLE than I did (I swear, there were people there...). But at any rate, this is what I've got for ya...

The beautiful mommy-to-be, Mrs. Emily Beck, and her ever-present sidekick, baby Carsen ;]

Amberly made these ADORABLE washcloth cupcakes for Em to take home!

And I made a "C" for Carsen's nursery, to match her bedding

Overall cuteness :]

Couldn't resist the cutest diaper cake-topper ever, even though it'll be a while before she uses them!

Lots and lots of purple and pink cupcakes...

...and lots and lots of gifts!

Caraline hanging out with her Auntie Em and her little BFF-in-the-making

Looking super-cute ;] Cause that's just what she does in her spare time!

We had a lovely time visiting with friends and family, and Em & Josh totally made out like bandits, leaving with a Subaru FULL of great gifts :] There's been quite a bit of suspense and anticipation surrounding the arrival of this baby, it being Em & Josh's first, so finally getting together to celebrate and kick the countdown into high gear was a pretty darn exciting event! She's due in about 5 1/2 short weeks now - April 19th to be exact! CAN'T WAIT!!!

This coming weekend we'll be celebrating Leo's birthday - poor kid had to wait 3 weeks to have his birthday party! I can't believe he's 5. It's unreal :'( ...makes me want to cry. I know kids have to grow up sometime, but Leo... he's just such an amazing little guy, and it's so hard to gradually say goodbye to little Leo! I know he's just growing from super-cool baby into super-cool kid, and he'll be just as awesome in a different way, just like his big sister :] Anyway, other than that I'll just be studying, trying to keep up with renal and respiratory physiology, because...

SPRING BREAK IS COMING!!! Next Friday (a week from tomorrow) is my renal/respiratory exam, and then it's BREAK TIIIIIIIME!!! I can't even begin to tell you how much I'm looking forward to sitting on my ass for a week :] Aaaahhhhhhhhhhhh...

"Great success!" and much excitement

Haha! Please excuse the cartoon's "french", but it SO accurately captures my sentiments of late!

HOWEVER, my new strategy is 1 for 1 - I got a B on my exam on Monday :] Without revealing the embarrassing details of the last few debacles, suffice it to say that this is a VAST improvement, and I am very excited about the *possibility* of having found a way to survive this crazy, crazy endeavor without losing my ever-loving mind. Yay :]

In other news, I'm getting very excited for this weekend - Amberly, Darlene and I are hosting a baby shower for Em on Saturday! It's going to be PRETTY fabulous. Of course since our guest of honor could potentially be reading I won't post details, but rest assured that photos will follow! I can't possibly begin to describe how EXCITED I am to meet this little girl - our first niece from Em & Josh - so I'm pretty pumped to recognize this last big milestone on the road to BABY DAY! Once the shower weekend is behind us, there will be only 6 short weeks to go! I can hardly contain myself! I get so wrapped up in these babies :]

A "Big Commitment" ...ha

I would just like to publicly announce that I have officially committed to physically going to school on a daily basis. GASP, I know. It's ok if you full-time workers want to laugh at me - I am fully aware of how ridiculous it is and I in fact encourage you to laugh at me. It's a big step for me, however.

I started this past Monday and have successfully attended class every day this week! I'm pretty darn pround of myself, I must admit. It's been rough getting up at 6:30 every day. I used to do it all the time during the year that I worked in Bethesda, but honestly it wasn't easy then and it isn't easy now! I'm really not a morning person! I'm not as bad as my husband tends to be in that department, but getting up early still is NOT my cup of tea. It's good for me though. Third year isn't gonna cut me any slack, and I might as well get used to it.

I also really needed to get out of my isolated bubble. There's not much I can do about the fact that I have to study alone (or the fact that most of my day must be consumed by studying... alone) - I just can't study with other people. FAR too distracting. I might be able to do a group review session right before a test, once I've learned the material well, but in medical school the reality is that you NEVER reach the point where you're comfortable enough with said material to break out of your solitary study bubble and bounce information off of your classmates. You study til the last minute and STILL feel almost completely hopeless walking into the test! So realistically, that means I have to be alone much of the time. That's just freaking depressing. I was beginning to feel that in my life, it might be quite LITERALLY depressing, so I really needed to do something about it. I think I was in the middle of a vicious cycle involving study-induced isolation followed by depression followed by lack of motivation followed by worsening grades followed by further depression and lack of motivation... you get the picture. Going nowhere good. Seeing other human beings (other than strangers at the store/gym and my husband) is so far proving to be quite uplifting in and of itself! Shocking.

It's also freeing up the rest of my day to actually study, which will eventually bear fruit as far as my grades are concerned. One would hope, anyway. I know that I've been operating in a perpetual state of "catch-up" as a result of my previous "strategy" (if you can even call it that!), and it was a lot easier to deny it than to do something about it, so I denied it. I'm still adjusting to the difficulty of "doing something about it" (I'm VERY tired for one, and still trying to figure out exactly how best to use this extra afternoon study time), but if nothing else it just makes me feel good to know that I am, in fact, DOING something about it. And I'm hoping that even just having something to "feel good" about (as relates to school) will start the reversal of that vicious downward spiral from which I'm trying to recover.

My hope is that this (rather large) change, coupled with my sincere attempts lately to slow down, cut the superfluous crap and enjoy what's good about my life (in general), will have an overall calming and uplifting effect. Because honestly, like I said before, I have way too much good in my life to be allowing anything to make me feel bad.

Happy Valentines Day!

Ahhh, Valentines Day. I admit, it's a total "Hallmark Holiday" - an excuse for retailers to squeeze another buck out of us poor saps whom they refer to as "consumers". But it's fun to have an excuse to buy a little something fun for your sweetheart, dress up a little and have a nice dinner out (Lord knows we all need to get out and do that from time to time!), and spend a little time thinking about all the wonderful reasons that this person gives you to keep on loving them so much. It's a day that forces you to forget the little irritations and squabbles and make an honest, old-fashioned effort at romance. And who doesn't need a little more romance in their life? I know I could use some! And I don't even have kids yet! Anyway, I'm all for a day to slow down and enjoy the person you love.

On that note, I've also very much enjoyed being snowed in for the past week! Again, I'm all for being forced to slow down and enjoy the people (or in my case, person and kittens) you love :] We did absolutely nothing productive. Well, that's not true - I did do some laundry and I washed the slip covers from our couches. But we didn't tackle any major projects or anything - just sat around and watched movies for the most part! We were snowed in last weekend with the Friday-Saturday snow, then Ben worked Monday and Tuesday (while my school was still closed), and the Proving Grounds closed Wednesday and Thursday from the Tuesday-Wednesday snow so Ben was home with me (again, my school was still closed), and Friday was his regular day off (though I did have to go in and take my exam... which doesn't need any discussion. Yeah, it went THAT well...). I probably couldn't list all the movies we watched if my life depended on it - it was a lot of movies! Tomorrow is a federal holiday for Ben so he'll be home with me AGAIN, and I just have lectures tomorrow so I don't have to go in to school. So long story short, we've been blessed with LOTS of quality time together here lately :] And despite how crazy my husband can be, amazingly enough we don't drive each other nuts when confined to a small space for long periods of time!

I am about to begin suffering for all this time off that I've enjoyed, however. We still have to learn the same amount of material unfortunately. They've compressed our schedule a bit by adding a third lecture each day for the next 6 school days, which is just FANtastic. Now I can try to cram three hours worth of lecture material into my brain each day instead of two, which was apparently already too much for me to handle. So I'm real psyched about that. Ugh. If I actually survive the next year and a half, it'll be an honest-to-goodness, modern-day miracle.

PS - Funny story: Ben and I just exchanged cards and little gifts - we totally got each other the same card! Well, not the same exact card, but they had the same message in them - one was adapted to be a "husband" card and the other a "wife"card. It was pretty funny :] Guess we feel the same way about each other! I got him a nose hair trimmer (LOL) and Office Space on DVD - just stuff he has wanted and has never gotten around to buying. Plus I tease him about his protruding nose hairs fairly frequently ;] And he got me the gift of guilt-free, delicious coffee (a Starbucks gift card), which is just about all I really need in life (aside from my Valentine, himself!).

The Obligatory Blizzard Post

Just figured I'd join the Blogger snow conversation :] Hey, it's the biggest news of our week! We never really measured, but reports around the area were in the 27-28" range. It was pretty intense! I woke up at some point in the middle of the night to total white-out conditions - I could barely see the parking lot from our bedroom window! My poor husband got up this morning and went out for the first round of shoveling with about 20" on the ground and the wind still whipping...

Poor guy didn't know where to start!

Knee-deep, plus the plow left-overs that got shoved behind our cars

This was at about 11am - it didn't stop til after 3.

I love the little strip of car that's still visible on the car in the end-spot - it would eventually disappear before the snow stopped falling!

He went out again around 3:30 after the snow stopped falling and cleaned up the additional accumulations, let the cars run a bit, and got us all pristine-ly dug out. He gets very amped up about digging out the cars, and won't quit til every flake is gone! I'm telling you, he's OCD about certain things, which is totally unexpected if you've known the kid for any appreciable amount of time. It's bizarre. Last time he cleaned the bathroom he was in there for over an hour, no joke. And it's not like we live in total filth, he's just really intense about cleaning!

Anyway, of course our myriad weekend plans got cancelled, which is just as well. We moved my mom's birthday dinner from Friday to Thursday to beat the snow, and spent a lovely evening at Red Lobster in Owings Mills with my mom :] On Friday I did some last-minute grocery/liquor shopping (you know, the essentials!) - and of course the stores were total mad-houses - so by the time Ben got home from work we were ready to stay in for the weekend! I've just been studying all day, with a few breaks to prepare meals here and there. My poor sleepy husband went into our bedroom to "lay down" at 8pm... I'm expecting that he'll either sleep thru the night, or wake up with a second wind at about 10pm and go bonkers. He'll probably do something ridiculous like start scrubbing the kitchen floor because he's all jacked up (and has had a bug up his butt about scrubbing the kitchen floor for about a week now... guess I shouldn't complain!). Though with all the snow/salt/road-grossness that always follows snow storms, there's probably no point in cleaning the floor til all this is gone! As I always say, "whatever blows your skirt up, darlin'!"

I'm feeling pretty good about my exam, I think. My studying has been going well, and it's not nearly as much material as I'm accustomed to studying for a single exam. However, it's only a 55-pointer, which means very little room for error! But that also means it doesn't account for an enormous portion of my grade, which is nice. Exams in this course are much lower-pressure sitautions, because there are more of them so no single exam is worth more than 14% of my total grade. For which I am very grateful :]

For now I'm on a study-break, blogging and watching Christmas Vacation ;] With a glass of wine, of course. Pacific Rim Sweet Riesling. TRY IT.

Wilting Wednesday

Wednesdays are rough. I'm right smack in the middle of the week, and whatever motivation I may have mustered after my weekend of rest is clearly wilting. It doesn't help that I have ICM on Thursdays, which I spend my Wednesday evenings dreading. ICM should make me happy - I usually get to see a patient and learn clinically-relevant things. But it also means that I have to be at school in the afternoon, which I don't like. And luck usually has it that Thursday is NOT a day I'd otherwise have to go to school (not always, but it seems like more often than not I don't have any reason to be there for the course I'm in). Ah whatever. Just me bitching over piddly things. At least I can sleep in a little tomorrow.

In other more exciting news, I got a summer research internship at the Johns Hopkins Cystic Fibrosis Research Center! I'm pretty thrilled! It's not going to pay nearly as much as NIH would, but I'm much more excited about the work itself, and my commute will be about 15-20 minutes - even shorter than my commute to school! It pays enough for us to get by, which is really all I need to be concerned with.

Anyway, I've expressed interest in a project related to the specific genetic mutation that my niece Lacy has - deltaF508 - which causes her CF. It's the most common CF mutation (hence the research focus), and it results in the production of a protein that doesn't get processed normally by the cell and doesn't function well. This protein would normally form a channel in the cell membrane that allows salts to flow through. But the mutant form of this protein (that Lacy has) gets hung up in processing and never makes it to the cell membrane to do its job, and the lack of this one channel results in Cystic Fibrosis. HOWEVER, research has shown that if we could get this protein out of the processing jam and get it to the membrane, it would function well enough (though still not at 100%) to significantly improve function in the tissues where it's needed, and possibly eliminate CF symptoms altogether in patients who are more mildly affected to begin with. The lab that I'm working in this summer is working on this problem, and it's the project that I'm most interested in helping out with. My boss expressed that I could work on whatever interests me, so I'm hoping to get assigned to this project :] It would feel pretty good to walk away from this summer job feeling like I've made some contribution that could directly affect Lace one day. And not just in a round-about way, but in a very real way - this is the mutation that she suffers from (along with the other 80-some percent of kids with CF), so a new therapy for solving this particular problem is something she could directly benefit from. CF is actually THE most common inherited disease in the US - that's a lot of kids (and a lot of future kids - 1 in 31 of us are carriers).

Switching gears, we went to Florida this past weekend and had a GREAT time escaping the snow for some 70-degree weather! It did rain most of the time, but when we landed in Orlando and the guys out on the tarmack were wearing shorts (the guys on the tarmack at BWI were in beanies and winter coats!), we were pretty thrilled ;] It was only 75 and sunny on Friday - Saturday and Sunday were mid-60's and rainy. Still really warm though! It was wonderful to finally get to visit with my grandparents a bit - my granddad is an absolute riot - and the wedding was beautiful :] Despite the rain, of course. I suppose I'm bad luck at weddings... Anyway, of course we didn't get to spend much time with my childhood best friend (the bride) since she was otherwise occupied, but they had great music and good food and an open bar, so we had ourselves a lovely little evening, and we did get to talk to her a bit - she definitely made a little extra effort to stop by a few times since we rarely get to see each other. Such a sweetie :] Where are the pictures, you might ask? Good question. My camera made it all the way to Florida, just not to the wedding. FAIL. I was so pissed. But we made sure that her photographer got a few shots of her and I together, so there is SOME record of this alleged "trip to Florida".

We have a busy weekend ahead that is likely to be snowed-out, which wouldn't be a huge crisis since I do have an exam on Monday and I really should STUDY if I'm trying to stick to this "turning over a new leaf" thing with this new class. It's only on a week and a half of material, and I've been keeping up better this past week, so hopefully the studying won't be too overwhelming. Anyway, we're supposed to go to dinner on Friday for my mom's birthday, bring my step-sister home with us for a sleepover, go to my step-dad's holiday family gathering (in Edgewater... NOT CLOSE AT ALL), drop my step-sister off with them and hang out for a bit, host Ben's work friends and their wives for the UFC fight Saturday night (til 1am), go to church (I also have a nursery training while we're there), and then head to Janelle's downtown for a Superbowl Party!!! So if it dumps on us Friday night thru Saturday, missing out on having Shaylin here and going to this family thing would really free up some much-needed study time! Ugh how do I get so over-booked? Probably because I don't pay attention. Grr.

For now I gotta go get ready to head out for dinner - we're meeting my Dad and his girlfriend and my Grammy at Carabba's in Hunt Valley for dinner :] Of course my husband still isn't home, and we're leaving in 45 minutes. Wish me luck!