What a crazy year. I mean, seriously. This time last year I was just submitting the first step of medical school apps! Since then, I've fought off pneumonia, submitted 9 long secondary apps, attended 7 interview days, been accepted to two schools, gotten engaged, planned a wedding, gotten married, become a bridesmaid again, moved, adopted two kitties... and I've been working full time and commuting at least 3 hours a day. And ya know, it hasn't been too bad. It's been a lot of FUN stuff - the best kind of stress.
Now that we're settling into our new life together, I've had more time to get back to the thoughts and anxieties and fears and worries that used to consume me before all this wedded bliss took over. I'm starting medical school in less than two months.
On the one hand, I darn-near pee myself with excitement when I think about being back in school again. I know this round will be NOTHING like undergrad, but I ADORED the freedom that school allowed me. Yes, it was A TON of work. Yes, it's going to be 25 TONS of work this time around. But it's on MY terms. I don't have to sit at a desk all day. I don't have to force my eye lids to stay open after the mid-day slump when all I want is a quick power nap. I don't have to be somewhere for 8 hours, half the time accomplishing very little because my fish didn't breed or I have lots of down-time in the day's experiment. I can go to class or not go to class - it's up to me. I can study at school or study at home - it's up to me. I can take a quick afternoon snooze when I just can't stand to be conscious for another second - it's up to me. I can study right after class or wait til after dinner - IT'S UP TO ME!!! You get the idea. The point is, despite the amount of work I'll be taking on, I'll be doing it on my own terms, and I LOVE that. And the cherry on top of it all is that I really do LOVE learning. I love lecture, I love taking notes... I just enjoy it. And what could possibly be MORE enjoyable to learn about than the human body?!?! And minus all the lame busy work that bogs you down in undergrad, I know that learning on this level is just going to be amazing. Well, years one and two anyway. Three and four... well... I don't want to get too far ahead of myself, but I'm definitely suffering from some fear-of-the-unknown there. 3rd year will be the worst - all those clinical rotations that I DON'T want to do, with their long hours and lack of sleep... 4th year will be mostly electives and that will free me up to explore some fun stuff, find some cushy rotations, etc. But for now, I'm just really excited about my first two years - both the classroom stuff, and the part where I get to start learning the HOW of becoming a doctor.
On the other hand... I'm pretty darn scared! It's gonna be tons of tough material. There will be long nights of studying when my poor hubby really wants me to come to bed. There will be lots of carry-out when what I really want to do is wow my husband with a fun new recipe. There will be lots of guilt over responsibilities I've had to pawn off on him before exams when I just didn't have the time to take care of them myself. There will be a lot of pressure (coming from myself of course) to manage the school stress and keep it out of my home life. There will be the internal emotional struggles that I'll face as I learn how to be a doctor, how to deal with dying patients, how to cope with the feelings of futility and hopelessness when you just can't help a person, how to stay awake for the 36th hour in a row without biting anyone's head off or killing a patient. It's a lot to take on, and I'm trying to keep a realistic perspective on just how hard it will be not only on me but on Ben, both individually and as a couple.
So while I feel excited and ready for the challenge, I'm scared and worried about it all too. I just have to keep telling myself that I've never ceased to amaze myself with what I'm capable of - every time I've doubted myself and allowed myself to believe that there was just no way I could do it all, I did it all. It was ONLY by the grace of God, but I did it. And I have to remind myself just how much change Ben and I have weathered over the years. We grew from children to adults, for crap's sake! We made it through 2 years when he graduated high school, went out into the working world and left me behind. We made it through four years of college, with all the uncertainty and fear and loneliness that brought with it. We made it through lots of death and health issues among family and friends, my parents' divorce, not to mention our own incredible roller coaster of ups and downs. We've built an incredible history together, and that is nothing to sneeze at. I feel like we have an INCREDIBLY solid foundation, and I feel SO comfortable and secure in that.
I'm not worried that we won't make it - I'm as sure as any human being can be that we have what it takes. My worry is that I'll hurt him. And I'll do it more than once. And I'll make his life harder than he wishes it would be. And though that's all a part of life no matter what career you choose, it breaks my heart. I know he'll hurt me too. But from where I'm sitting right now, the certainty that I'll ever put him through any pain just breaks my heart. And once we bring children into our lives, the stakes will be raised even higher. I guess that's just the responsibility that we all have as wives and husbands and parents and children - we just have to spend our lives trying not to hurt the ones we love. Some of us choose to make it a little harder on ourselves (what kind of sick, sadistic moron does that?!?! lol) but we really ALL have that in common. I guess it makes me feel a little better to think about the fact that my plight is not at all uncommon. The details are different, but everyone is struggling toward the same goal I have, and people do it and do it well, every day.
No comments:
Post a Comment