Random topic of the week: How is it that women claim to "let" or "not let" their husbands/boyfriends do X, Y or Z?
This just came to me a few minutes ago as I was thinking about our engagement pictures. Many people have asked me "Why did you LET him grow that beard"? In fact, people ask me similar questions about a lot of things regarding my husband's behavior. He's a wild man, to say the least. "Why did you LET him get a snake?" "Why did you LET him bring his snake with you when you got married?" etc. etc. My question to those people is always, "what was I supposed to do?". Now, that may make me sound pitiful or powerless or something, but that's not how I feel at all. And let me add that if you've ever asked me a question like this in a joking manner, this rant is NOT directed at you - it really isn't. But people have seriously questioned me like this, and that's what disturbs me.
Anyway, my REAL question to those people is, "What was I supposed to do? Withhold sex? Stop cooking? Give him some sort of death-stare? Make demands? Yell and cry? etc. etc." Let's look at this realistically. Any one of those options is ultimately going to end badly, no matter how you slice it. Whether it takes years for the resentment to build (in the case of death-stares or withholding things) or the result is more immediate (yelling and crying and making demands is almost invariably going to lead to a sizable argument, or it will cause him to suppress his feelings to keep the peace, which will also build over time), you're leading yourself into a very negative scenario. No matter how you look at it, you're wielding your "wifely powers" over your husband, the person you're supposed to love and nurture as long as you both shall live, to get your way. You're threatening to remove the peace from his home life (by making it clear that you're going to BE angry and STAY angry), withhold the physical love that he can ONLY get from YOU, withhold the loving gestures of caring that you've promised him (like cooking for him or whatever else)... and over what?
This is where picking battles comes in. If I'm faced with a situation where I'd like to "not allow" him to do something he wants to do, I'd better be VERY SURE that it's worth it. And in my humble opinion, there is VERY LITTLE in this world that would really drive me to do that to our relationship. A snake in a cage upstairs out of my sight most of the time? Not worth it. A beard on his face? Who gives a crap. And there are so many other things that people have commented on to me... "I'd never "let" my (husband/wife) do that" or "buy that" or whatever. Short of something that's going to bankrupt us or injure someone, or be morally incompatible with our beliefs, what is really worth it?
I married a wild man. He is strong-willed. He is stubborn. He quite often gets himeslf into a one-track frame of mind. He says and does crazy things that many other people would be far too embarassed to do or say (I guess I'm trying to say... he has no shame!). He quite often acts like an over-grown kid. But because he is also such a GOOD person inside his heart, those traits make him an incredible husband. He's strong-willed and stubborn about doing the dishes - he will physically pick me up and carry me away from the sink if I try to do them after I've cooked for him. He has a serious one-track mind when it comes to women - he has been a one-woman-man for 9 1/2 of the most formative years of his life, when temptation was at its highest and the world was telling him he was crazy for sticking with me. He also has a one-track mind about work - despite being the exact opposite of a "morning person", he will get up at 4:30am to go in to work early and make overtime money to provide for us - without my prompting and without a single complaint. The crazy things he says and does can make ANYONE ANYWHERE laugh til they cry no matter what kind of day they're having and no matter how brief the encounter may be. Because he's still SUCH a fun-loving kid at heart, his children are going to absolutely ADORE him - his nieces and nephews already do.
So while those traits can be negative at times, they are such an integral part of who he is and why I love him so much - I wouldn't be doing a very good job of loving him if I tried to beat them out of him. 25 years from now, I'd wake up and realize I was married to someone else entirely, and our relationship would have grown completely cold. And I quite honestly can't remember in our 9 1/2 years a single time where he tried to disallow me to do anything. Ever. I may not always see the value in whatever it is that he wants to do or buy or whatever, but I don't HAVE TO. This isn't about what I want and what I understand and what I deem to be valuable or worthwhile. First of all, marriage is a partnership that is supposed to be life-long, and it will never last a lifetime if one partner feels completely stifled and unable to have or do the things that make him or her happy. And second of all, like this fact or not, God requires me as a Christian woman to allow my husband to be the head of our household. That doesn't mean he gets free reign to do whatever he pleases, because it's still a partnership, but it means that at the end of the day, when we've hashed it all out and we're still at an impasse, I will step aside and let my husband lead us in the direction that he believes is best, no matter how piddly the issue may seem. I will TRUST HIM to do that, because I TRUST GOD to lead my husband in his God-given role.
So, on that note, rant complete. I hope it will be valuable to someone other than myself, but even if it isn't, it helps me to remind myself of that every so often.
This just came to me a few minutes ago as I was thinking about our engagement pictures. Many people have asked me "Why did you LET him grow that beard"? In fact, people ask me similar questions about a lot of things regarding my husband's behavior. He's a wild man, to say the least. "Why did you LET him get a snake?" "Why did you LET him bring his snake with you when you got married?" etc. etc. My question to those people is always, "what was I supposed to do?". Now, that may make me sound pitiful or powerless or something, but that's not how I feel at all. And let me add that if you've ever asked me a question like this in a joking manner, this rant is NOT directed at you - it really isn't. But people have seriously questioned me like this, and that's what disturbs me.
Anyway, my REAL question to those people is, "What was I supposed to do? Withhold sex? Stop cooking? Give him some sort of death-stare? Make demands? Yell and cry? etc. etc." Let's look at this realistically. Any one of those options is ultimately going to end badly, no matter how you slice it. Whether it takes years for the resentment to build (in the case of death-stares or withholding things) or the result is more immediate (yelling and crying and making demands is almost invariably going to lead to a sizable argument, or it will cause him to suppress his feelings to keep the peace, which will also build over time), you're leading yourself into a very negative scenario. No matter how you look at it, you're wielding your "wifely powers" over your husband, the person you're supposed to love and nurture as long as you both shall live, to get your way. You're threatening to remove the peace from his home life (by making it clear that you're going to BE angry and STAY angry), withhold the physical love that he can ONLY get from YOU, withhold the loving gestures of caring that you've promised him (like cooking for him or whatever else)... and over what?
This is where picking battles comes in. If I'm faced with a situation where I'd like to "not allow" him to do something he wants to do, I'd better be VERY SURE that it's worth it. And in my humble opinion, there is VERY LITTLE in this world that would really drive me to do that to our relationship. A snake in a cage upstairs out of my sight most of the time? Not worth it. A beard on his face? Who gives a crap. And there are so many other things that people have commented on to me... "I'd never "let" my (husband/wife) do that" or "buy that" or whatever. Short of something that's going to bankrupt us or injure someone, or be morally incompatible with our beliefs, what is really worth it?
I married a wild man. He is strong-willed. He is stubborn. He quite often gets himeslf into a one-track frame of mind. He says and does crazy things that many other people would be far too embarassed to do or say (I guess I'm trying to say... he has no shame!). He quite often acts like an over-grown kid. But because he is also such a GOOD person inside his heart, those traits make him an incredible husband. He's strong-willed and stubborn about doing the dishes - he will physically pick me up and carry me away from the sink if I try to do them after I've cooked for him. He has a serious one-track mind when it comes to women - he has been a one-woman-man for 9 1/2 of the most formative years of his life, when temptation was at its highest and the world was telling him he was crazy for sticking with me. He also has a one-track mind about work - despite being the exact opposite of a "morning person", he will get up at 4:30am to go in to work early and make overtime money to provide for us - without my prompting and without a single complaint. The crazy things he says and does can make ANYONE ANYWHERE laugh til they cry no matter what kind of day they're having and no matter how brief the encounter may be. Because he's still SUCH a fun-loving kid at heart, his children are going to absolutely ADORE him - his nieces and nephews already do.
So while those traits can be negative at times, they are such an integral part of who he is and why I love him so much - I wouldn't be doing a very good job of loving him if I tried to beat them out of him. 25 years from now, I'd wake up and realize I was married to someone else entirely, and our relationship would have grown completely cold. And I quite honestly can't remember in our 9 1/2 years a single time where he tried to disallow me to do anything. Ever. I may not always see the value in whatever it is that he wants to do or buy or whatever, but I don't HAVE TO. This isn't about what I want and what I understand and what I deem to be valuable or worthwhile. First of all, marriage is a partnership that is supposed to be life-long, and it will never last a lifetime if one partner feels completely stifled and unable to have or do the things that make him or her happy. And second of all, like this fact or not, God requires me as a Christian woman to allow my husband to be the head of our household. That doesn't mean he gets free reign to do whatever he pleases, because it's still a partnership, but it means that at the end of the day, when we've hashed it all out and we're still at an impasse, I will step aside and let my husband lead us in the direction that he believes is best, no matter how piddly the issue may seem. I will TRUST HIM to do that, because I TRUST GOD to lead my husband in his God-given role.
So, on that note, rant complete. I hope it will be valuable to someone other than myself, but even if it isn't, it helps me to remind myself of that every so often.
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