Life.

First things first... BRING IT, INDY!!!!!!!!
Says Peyton Manning's worst nightmare, Mr. Ed "I eat first-class quarterbacks for breakfast" Reed :] He's definitely my favorite player - I've always been partial to defensive players. Maybe it's because during my formative years as a young football fan, my team had one of the greatest defenses in NFL history. Could be.

Moving right along, I've recently realized that my blog posts haven't really been very informative. I feel like there's a lot going on in my life - at least in my thought life - that I haven't shared. It seems like every time I sit down to write a blog post, I feel like it's not interesting enough so I delete it and go back to whatever I was doing. So today I'm not going to do that. I'm just going to write about what's going on, and if it isn't interesting... well, I apologize for boring you!

School is... well... going. I really can't figure myself out on this front. I am SO incredibly unmotivated. Some days I feel like I live in a jar of molasses. Some days I think I might legitimately benefit from anti-depressants. Not because I'm "sad", per se, but because I just feel SO bogged down. I just DON'T CARE about ANYTHING related to school or medicine or learning. When I think about what else I might do if I decided to leave medical school, I can't even get motivated toward something else! I just don't want to DO ANYTHING!!! I've never felt this way before in my life. I've never been SO incurably distracted, unmotivated and irritated with my educational endeavors. It doesn't help that I spend some appreciable portion of EVERY SINGLE DAY pondering something related to child-bearing. If I'm honest with myself, I wouldn't have kids any sooner than we're currently "planning" to - it's not that. Sometimes I just seriously can't bear the thought of how complicated it will be for me. It's complicated for everyone in different ways, and I try to keep that in mind when I start to get upset about it. It's just hard when I think about how much simpler it could be if I had chosen a different path. And as important as that is to me, it's not just a "oh well, too bad" kind of thought, it's a really upsetting thought. It also doesn't help that we struggle so much to pay our bills, and I know I could go get a job and contribute more if it weren't for school. It's just so stressful, living so tight. And really, sitting around my apartment all day trying to watch these incredibly boring lectures, dreading the days I have to physically GO to school, just counting down the hours til Ben gets home... it gets old. It's already getting SO old. It's just been a rough couple months for me, with respect to school, and it's hard not to question my decisions in the midst of all this unhappiness.

Outside of school, there isn't a whole lot else exciting going on, unfortunately. We keep a relatively lively social life (to the detriment of my grades, but a girl can't just put her sanity on hold for 4 years), but nothing particularly noteworthy is going on. We've been visiting family a lot, enjoying our new little niece Caraline, anxiously awaiting the arrival of our second new niece, hanging out with friends here and there... the usual. Janelle and I are going out this evening to celebrate her birthday, a little late. I'm pretty pumped to have a nice dinner and some drinks and just CATCH UP! Tomorrow night we're going up to PA to celebrate Ben's friend Tom's birthday, and of course cheer on our Ravens! We're pretty excited for that - it's always more fun to watch the game with other people. And hey, it's a 3-day weekend! Of course, my hubby is working for part of the day Monday anyway, since we could really use the holiday pay, and I'll just be catching up on the school work that I probably will have found excuses to avoid throughout the rest of the weekend. And next week will be my LAST week of this God-awful class that I'm in right now - I'll be switching to physiology after this - so hopefully that'll be a POSITIVE change.

On a positive note, we have started eating a lot more healthily AND going to the gym regularly. It's really nice to do this together, since it's always been a solo effort in the past when I've tried to whip my ass into shape. We can sorta use each other as competition, and usually when one of us is feeling less motivated, the other is there to push the straggler out the door at gym time. I'm basically not buying anything that isn't "good for you" at this point. I'm only cooking with whole grain pastas and rices, buying lots of veggies (not all fresh, but the frozen kind that you steam are quite good and inexpensive), and trying to find protein-filled alternatives to the things I'd normally snack on. I happen to be one of those lucky people that actually enjoys hummus, so that's a good one - hummus with fresh raw veggies to dip. Yummm. Campbells Soup-at-hand's are also good - they have several varieties that are 70 or 80 calories and they stick with you pretty well. And after spending last week learning about vitamins (and finding out from a routine doctor visit that I'm vitamin D deficient - you should have your doc check this by the way because it's quite common especially in the winter time), I'm back on a multivitamin too. Hoping that all this puts my body into prime condition to work efficiently and burn some FAT! I can admit, I've gained a full "newlywed 15" since the wedding (plus 2 or 3 pounds!), and it's just not acceptable. I wasn't even in the shape I'd *like* to be in when I got married - I'm hoping to lose a good 20 pounds this year. I'm just so tired of thinking about how I wish I looked, and how I know I COULD look, and doing nothing about it. It's downright depressing, and if I don't do something I'm gonna have to go bankrupt buying new clothes soon because nothing fits right and it's driving me INSANE!!! It's also been good for my mood - working out is a great release and it makes me feel better about myself, despite my sub-par grades and apathy toward my chosen career path (which is otherwise rather depressing!). So, for now, we're back up on the weight-loss wagon and trying desperately not to fall off.

One more thing before I go... I know this is getting to be like the novels of my blogging past... I was considering going back to NIH this summer. Those of you who saw me frequently last summer know how miserable I was toward the end of my year there - I couldn't stand my supervisor, I was completely unmotivated toward the particular project I was working on, I was bored out of my mind (hmmm, sounds like maybe I HAVE felt this way before...). Not to mention the God-awful commute which could be anywhere from an hour and 15 mins to 2 and a half hours one way! But my boss told me when I left that I could come back any time, and when I checked into this year's stipend level for a summer student with my level of education and years of experience at NIH... whew. VERY difficult to turn down. Especially given our current financial situation, THAT MUCH extra money would be pretty sweet. It would be about a 60% raise compared to what I contribute to our finances right now! But I'd spend a good chunk of it on gas (V8 Jeep Grand Cherokee, 106 miles/day, anyone?), and I fear it wouldn't be the sanity-restoring summer break that I know I will so desperately need by then.

BUT, fear not, I had a brainstorm last night that could save me from all that... I'm looking into doing summer research at the Hopkins CF Research Center. I just did a presentation for school on CF, which got me thinking about it, and wondering why I hadn't thought of it before now. I think that it could be a really good change of pace for me, and so rewarding. I know I won't cure CF in one summer, but at least it's work that I have very concrete motivation toward. Plus Hopkins is about 15 minutes away from my apartment :] After e-mailing the director, I found out that they DO have summer research openings, and I'm scheduling an appointment to talk with him about my research interests and possible placement! I'm pretty psyched!!! So I'll be sure to keep you updated on all that. I really have no clue what the pay might be like, though I'm sure it'll be significantly less than at NIH. But really, to avoid that commute and do something I'm really into, I'll take the pay cut. And if you factor in the gas, the difference may not be that substantial. All I want is enough to keep our heads above water. So we shall see!

Alright, if you haven't fallen asleep or quit reading yet, CONGRATULATIONS for making it through this entire post. I'll let ya go ;] Thanks for stopping by!