PANIC. And Taking the Plunge.

When will the recurring panic attacks end?! I use the term "panic attack" very loosely - I'm not having a physical episode by any means - but I'm getting SO tired of freaking out about my life. I'm sure you're all getting tired of hearing about it, too! But then again, you choose to subject yourselves to my blog... I guess you're free to leave at any time!

I'm finally reaching that point of no return that I've mentioned before - my second year of medical school. Financially, this is the final big plunge. If I accept these loans and move forward, I'm stuck with this for life. It's a pretty big leap, making this kind of commitment. It feels different from most other jobs... it's more like getting married. Once you're in it, you're essentially in it for life, and if you want to get out of it, doing so is incredibly expensive (just like many divorces). I can't try it out for a few years and see how I like it, and then try something else if it doesn't go so well. In order to make my student loan payments, I will be forced to stick with this job at least until they're paid off (and we're talking a decade or two, people). And by the time they're paid off, my kids will be grown and I will have missed that time that I'm most concerned about my job interefering with anyway.

Sure, I'll have options within the medical profession... sorta. It's not like you can just skip around to different specialties. Once you've finally completed medical school and several years of hellatious residency (too many hours and too little pay) and passed your specialty Boards and are making a "real" salary, are you REALLY going to be financially able (or want) to go back through another residency?! And then study for (and pay for) more Board exams to get certified all over again? I could do a fellowship to subspecialize in something that interests me particularly, but even then I'm limited to the subspecialties within my specialty. And for me, it's really not about having options within the field - I'm not even making that specialty plunge yet and I still have a few years before I have to make that choice. My fears are about this profession in general - about what it will do to my family life. We've had this conversation before.

I still feel incredibly unsure. More than I let on in real life. It's quite terrifying. I start my second year in a few days, and there is a deadline (the date of which I'm not sure of) beyond which I can't return any of my loan money. This semester's loans put my student loan total beyond the limit at which I'd expect to be able to make payments on a more modest salary. After this semester, I'm gonna need "the big bucks" to dig out of this hole. So, you see, this is where the rubber meets the road for me. And this is why my fears and anxieties are popping up fresh in my mind. "Are you sure, Jenna?" "...Are you sure you're sure?"

I do a lot of thinking about the grand scheme. I think it's important to maintain perspective, particularly when you're a worrier like me. On the one hand, it helps me to think about the fact that 10 years from now I'll be well into my career and looking back on all this angst and chuckling to myself. On the other hand, I wonder if 40 years from now I'll be looking back on my grown children's lives and wondering if my career was worth the sacrifice. I just don't know what this career choice will bring, and when it comes to my family, that unknown is almost unbearably terrifying. I'm not even a mother yet, but I already feel as if it's the most important job I'll ever have, and it's a job I'm simply not willing to fail at. Sure, I probably won't be a complete failure, but even the idea of not being the best mommy in the whole wide world (at least in the eyes of my own children) breaks my heart. Not to mention my role as a wife. I take that very, very seriously and I can't bear the thought of neglecting that duty either.

We all go through times in our lives where we neglect certain responsibilities when others have to take priority, and that's ok - I just don't want that kind of neglect to end up defining a large chunk of my life. I'm ok with having to devote myself to this endeavor (becoming a doctor) in a rather unbalanced manner for a time, but how long does that last? Once I become a doctor and all the training is over, what will my life look like? It's just hard not to fear the worst when you're thinking about a career as a doctor. All you ever hear about are the horror stories.

Toward the end of our White Coat Ceremony last fall one of the attending physicians from our emergency department, Dr. Rogers, spoke briefly. The recurring theme of his 10-minute schpeel was simply this: Spend time with your family. He spoke about making what you want out of your career, and not letting your career force you into a lifestyle that isn't what you really wanted. He said (more or less) "When your medical career is over, and all you have left is your family, you'll be glad you nurtured it and it's still there for you to enjoy." I have to constantly remind myself of that speech. Even as the specific words he used begin to fade (as I fill that space with medical factoids), I keep reminding myself of the overall theme. If a guy who has lived through my 10-years-from-now scenario and has a family is able to say that, then there's no reason why I won't be able to get what I want out of this life I'm choosing. Finding the balance just seems like such an overwhelming task... but the other thing I have to remember is that God is in this with me. His will for my life does not include being a neglectful wife and mother. If I have to take lower-paying positions in order to be there for my family, He'll provide for the rest. If I have to find the courage to say no to my boss when my hours get too heavy, God will provide for that too. It just scares the hell out of me, that's all.

I guess that's what this season of life is about. Making life-changing decisions, taking scary plunges, and learning to trust God in more profound ways, with progressively bigger and more important aspects of ones life. It's pretty easy to be a Christian in the protective cocoon of childhood, but I've found that my faith didn't really come alive and evolve into a concrete part of my life until I started making my own decisions. Suddenly, you need guidance that no finite mind can possibly provide. Moms and best friends are great for advice, but I'm looking for someone who knows my future, knows where I'm headed and knows how to get me there in one piece. Without that kind of assurance I don't know how I'd ever manage the panic, or how I'd ever be able to let go and take this plunge.

...but here we go...