Contentment

I know it's been a while... but I've recently come to the conclusion that the way I handle blogging is a little unhealthy for me. I don't mean to sound dramatic, and that probably sounded dramatic... sorry. What I mean to say is that, by airing my deepest thoughts and emotions to the world, I end up putting myself in a position where I constantly feel like I have to explain myself or justify myself if my perspective changes. It's not your fault - don't worry - none of you have ever really made me feel that way. I do it to myself, but it's a very real phenomenon I've noticed. Especially right now, while I'm dealing with some intensely personal decisions and changing my mind on what often seems like a weekly basis, I've been trying to keep my thoughts to myself and give myself the freedom to waffle back and forth. I think I need that. I need to deliberate, and to have in-depth conversations with people who have the knowledge and perspective to contribute to my internal debate, and to let the wisdom of the 'wisers' in my life influence my perspective, without apologizing. And every time I get on my blog and tell the world that I've decided X, Y or Z, I then feel like I have to explain myself if X, Y or Z doesn't pan out. I'm just too conflicted to be open about it all right now. Sorry to disappoint :'(

For now, I'm focusing on contentment. I don't have to finish my schooling by a certain time, or reach a certain goal by a certain age, or finish X before I can even think about Y, or any of that. I just have to live my life, day by day, and make the decisions that make me (and my husband!) happy. I don't need a 'plan' or a checklist. I don't owe anyone an explanation or a timeline. This place of contentment - of being happy exactly where I am and allowing the future to remain in the future - has not been easy to find. I'm a total 'type-A' personality - a list-making, spreadsheet-updating, always-planning kind of girl who rarely flies by the seat of her pants. Yet here I am, at this profound cross-roads in my life, doing just that. Good thing I have faith in the One who knows where I'm headed!