16 Weeks

I have to say that I'm feeling better every day, in many ways. I hate to "say it out loud", but it seems as though my exhaustion is starting to lift... a bit. It's becoming more manageable during the day, which has always been the worst part - trying to be motivated and productive at work when all you want to do is pass out face-down on the keyboard is really difficult. I'm finding that the early mornings and the late evenings are the worst. Getting up in the morning is still nearly impossible some days, and by about 8pm I'm ready to change into PJ's and slide into my cozy bed. But other than that, I'm definitely noticing some improvements.

I'm also feeling better and better about the CF news. We saw a genetic counselor and spent about a week agonizing over whether or not to have amniocentesis done, and that was definitely the worst part of all of this (and we were still in the middle of that when I wrote my last post). Of course there's no outcome that could have caused us to terminate the pregnancy - it wasn't about that - but the unknown was really eating away at us (teetering on unhealthy levels of obsession), and there are still some decisions that we might make differently if we knew one way or the other. But at the end of the day, for us, none of the potential benefits could ever justify the risk - small as that risk may be - of losing our baby to miscarriage. That would be far more devastating than the difficulty of dealing with this unknown for another 6 months, and we'd probably never ever really forgive ourselves if the worst were to happen. As much as we're dying to know - either to put our hearts and minds at ease or to begin the grieving process and prepare for the future - we know that we made the right decision. It has been SO much easier to put it all out of my mind and focus on the positives ever since leaving that heart-wrenching decision behind us. It was completely consuming while we were still contemplating it, and I'm so relieved that that's over. It's been much easier than I had anticipated, too... I thought that giving up the possibility of knowing would be incredibly difficult, but we've both been completely fine. Neither of us has an ounce of regret or concern for what could have been - only relief that the potential horror that could have been won't be. God has given us such great peace over this decision that it has just become impossible to second-guess it - such an incredible blessing.

So now we move on to the fun stuff :-) We visited Babies R Us the other day for the first time... HOLY. SMOKES. That place is unreal. I think we're going back this afternoon, this time wielding the registry scanner gun! I started our registry online and had added a few things, but I've found already that things can look a lot different in person, and that we're probably better off doing most of the registering at the store. We'll probably hold off on a lot of things until we know the sex (in about a month!), but until then we can still register for some of the essentials... and once you're in there, you really can't help yourself. And honestly, after all this craziness we've been dealing with, who can blame us for having a little registry fun? I have the benefit of two sisters-in-law and several close friends who are a veritable encyclopedia of baby gear knowledge and recommendations, which is saving me tons of time on research ;-) I'm trying to focus on the practical features that will make life easier day-to-day, but the cutesy patterns are so darn distracting! Take travel systems, for example (stroller + infant seat + infant seat car base). I've found that most strollers have a braking mechanism that I do not like, that is impractical for flip-flop junkies like myself. The ONE stroller I found that has a more practical mechanism that I like has approximately ZERO cute, gender-neutral prints (at least as far as what Babies R Us carries). They're either too gender-specific or straight-up ugly. And I refuse to get a gender-specific car seat and stroller, because I refuse to put myself in the position of feeling like I have to buy a new one when our next baby is the opposite gender. I only feel this way about the big expensive stuff like play yards, travel systems, swings, etc. I'm gonna end up having to make a second registry somewhere else when I find a place that carries a pattern that we like!

For all my griping, at the end of the day I'm just thrilled to have a reason to think about all these things :-) Even the scary things. At least I've been blessed with a baby to worry about those things for, and that's really all that matters!