I'd just like to start by saying that this started out as a Facebook status, but then I started rambling and epiphasizing enough that I decided it would look silly as a status update. LOL! I crack myself up with my long-windedness sometimes. Can't even leave a simple status update anymore. Oye.
So ANYWAY...
In preparation for my glorious return to medical school in a few weeks, I've been watching summer year-2 lectures given by my former classmates who are now 4TH-YEARS (so proud of them... they're pretty awesome lecturers)! Never thought I'd say it, but apparently I've been missing this. It's almost got me excited to get back into it. Actually, I think I really am excited and didn't want to admit it just then. Isn't it silly that I feel guilty for being excited about this? Motherhood sure does dramatically warp your sense of self! It's not a bad thing, it just stretches you into this multi-dimensional person I guess, and it takes some time to settle into that new reality and to believe that you can house multiple dimensions inside of your one "self". That you can nurture and develop "multiple personalities" without actually dividing yourself into less-than-whole "selves". Mommy Jenna can be just as complete a part of me as Student Jenna and eventually Doctor Jenna. People try to tell you that, but when you first become a mother it seems like crazy-talk. I think that motherhood is just so all-consuming that it completely takes over who you are, at least for a time. Well, let's be real... it's takes over who you are for life. It's changes you in a multitude of fundamental ways - it's not like you can ever "change back". But the point is that you don't have to "change back", you just have to grow. The assimilation of the "mother" role is sort of an automatic thing - not to say that everyone is automatically good at it or automatically accepts it, but it automatically takes over your life and your psyche no matter how hard you might try to resist it! This "take over" can be a very positive thing - it has been for me, and I'm eternally grateful to God for it - but it's easy to get completely lost in it and forget other parts of yourself. There are other parts that need nurturing too. At first I just forgot those parts altogether, because I am so fulfilled as a mother that I really haven't missed them. They weren't in my face begging for my attention, so they got lost, and I didn't care! Not even a little! Then it came time to reintroduce myself to them, and my initial knee-jerk reaction was pure guilt. They weren't total strangers as I had expected them to be... I found that I kinda missed them, and I felt guilty about that. I thought that it meant that motherhood wasn't "enough" for me anymore, and that it should be enough. The fact that dread was no longer the dominant emotion when I thought about returning to school made me feel like a bad mother.
WHAAAA?????!!!!
I should be ecstatic that this is the case. Finally, the dense fog of fear and apprehension has been lifted and I can see the sunlight! But it just made me feel bad. I should want nothing more than to stay with my baby, at home, forever.
The reality is that I do feel that way. I do want nothing more than to stay at home with my baby forever. But somehow I also feel that I do want to become a doctor. I feel both feelings very intensely. That's the expansion that comes with motherhood. It's nothing new to say that humans can experience two conflicting emotions so intensely, but it's new to me. I've been waiting a long time to have this epiphany, and to see that while in physical reality those may be mutually exclusive events, in my heart they can both be bopping around in there forever. What I feel in my heart for my son is what makes me a good mother, and when a choice must be made that forces me to be away from him, I have to cling to what's in my heart. I don't have a choice about him going to day care. Financially speaking, I can no longer stay at home with him - it's either school or work. But even if I had the choice, it would be a tremendously difficult decision to make. When I'm honest with myself, I can admit that I want this whole doctor thing. I really do. Isn't it sad that I haven't wanted to "admit" that to myself... that I have a dream, and (miraculously) the opportunity to make it a reality?! That doesn't make me a bad mother, though it often feels that way to me. It just makes me a multi-dimensional person, struggling to grow into that multi-dimensionality day by day, struggling to assimilate the many parts of who I am into one functioning person.
It's a tough road, but such a beautiful thing when you think about it. Who I am, the fabric of "me", has stretched and grown and added new textures and designs. I can see now that my intense devotion to mothering my son will always teeter dangerously close to shutting down my will to strive for anything more, because being a mother is such a tremendous gift all its own. I truly need nothing more. What an incredible force motherhood is! But I had to admit to myself that my heart has more than one desire in this world, and that that's ok. What a beautiful reality to live out... watching myself grow and change and deepen in my capacity to really feel out what matters most in my life. That's one of the greatest gifts of motherhood. It has given me a new kind of deep and wide perspective on what matters most, because I now know what it feels like to have something matter so profoundly that my life would seem utterly empty if I lost it. That's not to say that people without children don't know what really matters most to them - of course they do. I also don't mean to suggest that moms who do have the blessed privilege of staying home with their children aren't "striving for more" - we all use our "mom glasses" to see the world in new and different ways, and to determine which desires and opportunities before us warrant our commitment of time and effort. It doesn't have to be a "job", per se, that we choose to pursue with this life we're given. I guess I'm just trying to say that there was this glorious realignment that occurred in my life when we welcomed Eli, and I love the way it has changed my perspective - it is a gift that I will always treasure.
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