Making Arrangements

One of the strangest, most uncomfortable aspects of this situation is that there are "arrangements" to be made. There are plans to think through, final wishes to get down on paper. This just isn't the kind of "nesting" that expecting mothers are meant to do. So very unnatural, morbid, and painful. But at the same time, these aren't things that I want to neglect, leave to chance, or scramble to take care of while I'm actively grieving. So on days like today, where I'm feeling relatively "ok" about things, I try to put some thought into these items and do some research and make some headway. After all, only God knows how much time we have to prepare.

For anyone who has never been through something like this (which until a week ago included me!), here are a few of the things I've come across that many couples try to plan for ahead of time:

• 3D/4D ultrasound. Since her time in the womb will likely be the only life my daughter ever has, I'd like to capture it in as much detail as possible. It might be painful to watch now, or immediately after she passes, but I may want it down the road and then it will be too late to capture it.
• Photography. There are many people (initially myself included) who would feel a little "creeped out" by photographs of a stillborn baby. It can seem a little morbid - I get it. But again, that's all I'll ever have of her. The only opportunity I'll ever have to capture an image of Ben and I with our daughter. And again, I don't know how I'll feel about these images once they're taken, but I do know that I don't want to regret NOT having captured them. I will never have to look at them if I don't want to, but I will never be able to look at them if I do want to unless we have them done during the brief opportunity we're given. There is an incredible service offered by local professional photographers on a volunteer basis called "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep" that comes to the hospital to do a professional photo session free of charge.
• Keepsakes. Just as I captured Eli's little footprints and handprints, saved a lock of hair from his first haircut, and held onto his little newborn hospital hat, we may want to do the same with Gracie. I plan on bringing a ceramic footprint/handprint kit, and maybe some finger paint to paint onto her feet to put a footprint on an ornament or something. Again, I won't ever have to look at these items if it's too painful, but at least I'll have them if/when I'm ready to enjoy them. She may be too small and/or fragile to do all of these things, and that's ok, but I will be prepared to do them if we're able.
• Written birth plan. There are so many wishes and preferences that I'd like for the staff taking care of us to be made aware of. For example, I don't want them to default to doing all the normal newborn care stuff immediately after she's born, if she's still alive. She doesn't need any of that - we just need to hold her. I don't want her taken from the room at any point. I also don't want them to assume that we don't want the normal things like having her weighed and measured at some point, so that we have the stats that all proud parents want to share with their friends and families. These are just some of the things that I feel I need to get down on paper, so that I don't forget the details and so that I can help the staff to help us. I know they will all feel awful, feel sorry for us, feel worried that they might do or say something wrong... I feel like providing them with an outline of what we're hoping to get out of this experience might be helpful to everyone involved. I found a helpful sample on the String of Pearls website, a foundation started by a family who dealt with a similar experience.
• Memorial/Funeral arrangements. I'm still hung up on this one. I don't know how I feel about that. I still feel somewhat private about all of this. It's easy for me to share my thoughts here in writing, alone behind my computer screen. But I don't necessarily want to be around a ton of people right now, and I don't know that I'll want that when she passes either. And I don't know at what point (in terms of how far along the pregnancy progresses) it will stop seeming "weird" to have a funeral with a tiny casket and the whole nine yards. Right now it feels weird to me to have all of that for a 1/2-pound baby. It's hard to explain. Perhaps just a memorial service, though I don't know how to memorialize someone that we never really got to meet. I don't want it to turn into a service all about the sacrifices and difficult choices we made, because that's all anyone can really speak to, having never had any experiences with Gracie to share and remember. Gracie herself is so significant to us, but I know that the real significance in all of this for those who love us is centered around us and what we're experiencing and the sympathy that you all feel toward us. I guess I just don't know how to commemorate her passing, how to make it about her, or whether I really want to do anything public at all. By the same token, I can't just send her little body to the hospital morgue or the pathology lab. I have to lay her to rest in some way. We've been referred to the perinatal hospice program through Gilchrist hospice, which is a program designed to help families who are facing this kind of situation to work through all of these kinds of arrangements and different options that are out there. It's not a meeting I'm looking forward to, by any means, but we desperately need some guidance in that department and it will be a good opportunity to gather information.

So those are a few of the items that have been on my mind today. Freaking weird, right? And so sad. And so NOT the way I had planned to spend my days off during this pregnancy. It's all strangely comforting in a way, though. First of all, having a "to-do list" helps occupy my mind. But feeling like I'm doing something for her also makes me feel good. There's nothing I can do to change the ultimate outcome of this pregnancy for her, but I can do everything in my power to make sure that she is celebrated and remembered. She deserves that as much as any other baby... maybe a little more so, since she won't survive to be celebrated for a lifetime.

In other news, my OB is satisfied with home BP monitoring for the time being until my next regularly scheduled appointment, which is next Friday 5/30. I'll ask her more questions at that point, but for now so long as she is willing to let me continue on in a business-as-usual fashion, I'm all for it. I'll be paying close attention to how I'm feeling and will keep a low threshold for laying down when I need to or calling the OB's office if I'm worried, but my BPs haven't been out of control and I'm comfortable just riding this out for a while to see how it's going to progress.

And with that, my toddler beckons from his bedroom... nap time is over, folks!