Normalcy Guilt

It has been almost two weeks now, and it doesn't feel so fresh anymore. I think that's probably a good thing, but it feels sad in some ways. Gracie's time with us was so short, and though we did our best to savor it and make the most of it, it was truly "gone in the blink of an eye". With each passing day we grow further from that brief moment in time. Just as an object grows smaller in the rear view as you drive away, I'm watching our small droplet of time with her shrink and disappear into the sea of time through which our life proceeds. Whether we like it or not, each day takes us further from her day. We met her and lost her in the same moment, sometime during the 60 seconds that we called "1:20am" on June 18th, but the 16 hours that we spent physically holding her felt like our "lifetime" with her. All that we had hoped for when we got that positive pregnancy test back in February - an entire lifetime of loving another child - had to be squeezed into those few hours. That was our day. The only day we were ever able to spend together as a family, with her physical form out here in our world to hold. 16 hours seems like a long time when you're in the midst of it, but in retrospect, that 16-hour footprint shrinks toward just one dot on the larger timeline of our lives. That is sad, but there's no stopping it. Time marches on. All we can do is cling to the memories.

At the same time, I don't want to "cling" to an unhealthy degree. I want to cling to her memory, frequently revisit her photos and keepsakes, talk about her often in our home, and try to hang on to as many of the physical sensations of her as I can while I can still recall them. I guess it's the emotions that are the dangerous part. We have to find a way to experience them, flow through them and let them pass, without allowing them to take hold of us. I mostly feel sad - I rarely (if ever) feel angry or frustrated - and I'm ok with feeling sad. Since joining this unfortunate "club" of mothers who have lost babies and being a part of several online support groups, I have seen the anger and the anxiety and the depression really take hold of people. I have no way of knowing whether that will eventually become a "stage" of my grieving process that I will have to work through, but for now, I am so grateful that those kinds of toxic emotions have not been a problem for me. Sadness, I can handle. Sadness, I think, is a healthy and normal reaction to this situation and a relatively benign emotion so long as you're able to simply recognize it in the moment, allow yourself to feel it (take a moment to actively think about her, about what it is that's making me feel sad, allow a few [or more] tears to fall if need be) and then let it go (allow my mind to move on to something else).

It can be difficult to "let it go" sometimes. Sometimes you just sort of want to be sad, and I do allow myself those times. But sometimes I also try to practice releasing the sadness by allowing something else to distract me. What makes "letting go" difficult is that it is somewhat guilt-inducing. I feel like I should be sad, I should be missing her, and I shouldn't be out having fun and laughing and loving life. I know that's silly, but the fact that it's silly doesn't make me feel any differently about it. I just have to consciously avoid those guilty feelings when they arise. I know that Gracie doesn't want me to wallow in deep depression, nor does God. Nor do I have the luxury (if you can call it that!) of shutting down and devoting my entire existence to grieving for any length of time - my son needs me, I have a husband to love, and quite frankly I don't feel like that's what I want or need right now.

Nonetheless, I find myself feeling guilty about that fact that I've had several "good days" in a row. I have been feeling sort of... normal. I haven't been going out of my way to conjure up maximal distractions or avoid my emotions or refuse to cry. I have cried multiple times. But I have also been able to move through the sad moments and come out relatively unscathed, which is making all the difference. Having a brief cry over some reminder of her hasn't been leaving my mood depressed for any length of time afterward. My mind hasn't been dwelling as much. I still think about her often, but I'm able to think a little thought of her without my mind getting tangled up in a thicket of emotion, and before I know it I'm on to the next thought. I'm able to smile at each remembrance of her, even if its through a haze of tears. Sometimes I actively tell myself to smile, because smiling just makes me feel better and her life is a happy thing to remember, but sometimes I smile spontaneously. It has felt like a huge leap forward in my healing process, though I suspect that it's just another peak on this wild roller coaster and will likely be followed by another valley. Such is the process of grieving, and that's ok. I'll accept the peaks as they come and try to learn from them so that I'm better able to manage the next valley when it arrives.

In the meantime, though, it's difficult to let go of this guilt. I feel very resistant to it, because I know that it's irrational and unhealthy, and so I'm not doing a very good job of allowing it to flow through me. I think I'm hung up on it because I'm so resistant to it. I need to find a way to let myself feel it without allowing it to take root in my mind. I can see that this guilt is dangerous for me - if it does take root in my mind, it will lead to all sorts of other unhealthy thoughts. What kind of mother am I if I'm already feeling "ok"? How could I really have loved her as much as I said I did if I'm already having "good days"? Am I already forgetting? ...You can see how this line of questioning would be destructive to my healing. Maybe I need to come up with some sort of positive self-talk, a "mantra" to repeat to myself when the guilt rises up. Something that affirms my love for her and also my need to heal. I'll work on that. Feel free to leave comments below if you have any helpful suggestions!

In the meantime, we've been keeping busy and enjoying our family time!

My goal now is to start back to school a week from today. It adds up to roughly 3 weeks off, which isn't a lot given the circumstances, but I'm feeling strongly that getting back into a "normal" routine and occupying my mind will be helpful. The way my schedule works I either need to start back next week or wait another 4 weeks, and I don't think that taking another entire month off at this point would be beneficial or necessary. I am certainly recovered from a physical standpoint - I never really skipped a beat in that regard, with the exception of engorgement making for a rough first week! From an emotional standpoint, there's no "riding it out" or waiting until the grief is gone... that will take years, and while the acute sadness will lessen with time, I'll never stop missing her. I will be on an emergency medicine rotation when I return, which means that I'll be working shift work and having more random mornings and days off with Eli, so I think that it will be a nice balance of healing time at work and healing time at home with my son.

I just need to find a way to make time for personal grieving, in whatever form that takes once I'm back into the swing of things with school. Maybe it will be "having a good cry" in the shower, spending time working on Gracie-related projects (I have a few in mind, including a shadow box, a photo book, painting her hand and footprint impressions and Christmas ornament, etc), flipping through her sonogram photo album every couple of days... whatever I need to do to feel like I'm making special time to remember her amidst the business of daily living around here. Hopefully that will help to keep the guilty feelings at bay, and also serve to keep her memory fresh in a positive way. That's really the crux of all this... finding ways to remember her and love her and honor her without becoming fixated or falling victim to those toxic emotions that can make "remembering her" a negative thing.