The news left me stunned. I really didn't know how to feel. In many ways, I thought that it would have been easier to hear that it's a boy. I thought there would be less emotional "stuff" to deal with if that were the case. Knowing that we're having another girl initially brought up feelings of guilt for me. As I've mentioned, the last thing I want is to feel like this baby is somehow a "replacement" (or for anyone else to see it that way). I desperately hope that everyone who has followed along with us through this journey will always remember Gracie for who she was, the impact she had in her short life, and the way that God was honored through it all. I also hope that everyone will similarly welcome this new baby for the unique person that she is, the impact she will have, and the blessing that she is just because she's alive - not because she came on the heels of such a devastating loss. I guess I felt like all of that would be easier to achieve if this new baby was a boy - that it would be easier to separate the two. I don't know for sure that that's true, but for that reason, hearing "it's a girl" really left me feeling... well... "stunned" really is the perfect word for it. Temporarily speechless and emotionless and frozen. I just didn't know how to feel.
It has been just over a month now, and of course I am simply elated at the prospect of welcoming a little girl - our Nora Grace. Part of me honestly wanted Gracie to be a boy, when we went in for that anatomy sonogram. I didn't know (well, still don't know!) the first thing about parenting a girl - boys are familiar territory. But in the process of falling in love with my baby girl and simultaneously grieving for her and preparing to say goodbye, I found myself desperately saddened at the idea that I wouldn't get to be a mommy - in the traditional sense, at least - to my baby girl. Not just mommy to my baby... To my baby girl. I suddenly wanted a little girl more than anything, once I knew that she was a girl. So, despite my initial reservations when I learned that Nora is a girl, my heart is now aching with anticipation over this new adventure. We went on a little celebratory Carter's shopping spree, and now her future nursery is about 10 sparkly, flowery outfits fuller!
But that brings me to another struggle that I have faced since learning the sex of this baby. Nora's room is currently a catch-all for a variety of items that as yet have no other permanent "home" in our house. Unpacked boxes from our move (3 years ago!), Eli's outgrown clothes, an extra rocking chair... And Gracie's memory box. There on the rocking chair sits a box of her things, and a stuffed lamb that plays a recording of her heartbeat. Nearby on a futon mattress that rests on the floor sits a pile of adorable baby girl clothes - clothes that we never got to buy for Gracie. It's such a strong visual for me. The first time I noticed it, I immediately launched into a sobbing fit. The strength of my reaction took me completely by surprise, but WOW, did it sting. The day we went in for Gracie's anatomy sonogram we went prepared with several Carter's coupons that I had saved for the occasion - so that we could head straight out for a shopping spree once we knew which gender we were buying for. Instead, I arrived home with puffy, red eyes and coupons still in-hand. The sight of those dumb coupons when we got back in the car to drive home that day broke my heart wide open all over again. I think it's the reminders of what should have been that are the hardest. Reminders of Gracie herself - photos, songs from her funeral, etc - tend to make me smile inside. I may well up with tears occasionally, but those are mostly good emotions. The reminders of the earthly life we will never have with her - the baby clothes, events that she isn't a part of, reminders of the breastfeeding relationship that I'll never have with her - those are the ones that really break my heart.
But gosh, do I love her. I feared that my feelings for her might fade with time, but they have only grown stronger. I LOVE hearing her big brother talk about her and include her when he lists his family members in the course of routine conversation. I love to share her story - I'm probably becoming an aggregious "over-sharer" these days, but I can't help it! I love to hear our extended family and friends talk about her so matter-of-factly, as another one of our children. Who would have thought that I would have started 2014 with one son and ended the year with a son and two daughters?!! Wild. I am so very blessed.
In practical, medical news, our 12-week sonogram went just fine - all is well with our girl. Some bloodwork later this week will check for any further signs of a neural tube defect (like spina bifida) and our next appointment will include the big anatomy sonogram in the first week of December! Eli is terribly excited for his "girl baby" and likes to "talk to baby Nora" through my belly button ;-) What a blessing it is to watch my first born love his baby sisters. So precious and heartwarming!
As for the rest of my crazy, crazy life, I am in the process of interviewing for a residency position in Emergency Medicine for next year, which is terribly stressful and taxing. I'm doing my best to just leave it all in God's hands! I won't know anything until mid-March, which really doesn't help my stress level, ya know?!! My wonderful husband is taking it all in stride, as he always does, and continually reminding me that God will take care of our family whatever the outcome of this process. I just desperately hope to spare him and the kids a move away from family and friends. I HATE the idea of taking them further from their support system for the years that I will be least present for them. Please pray for His guidance for us as we navigate this complex residency match process, and that we will land nowhere other than where He wants us to be.
And with that, I'll end this update with a pirate pic. Because who doesn't love a pirate pic?!!
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