"Your life will never be the same" ...and neither will your furniture

Everyone loves to tell you how your life is going to change forever when you have kids. That's very true - nothing is ever the same. Even from day to day, things are constantly changing. Like when your child starts crawling, for instance...

The pack n' play, which was practically collecting dust in the corner ever since our big man outgrew its main function (the changing table attachment!), has suddenly become my best friend! That, and the jumperoo. I can no longer sit and pump, leave the room to go pee, or even turn my head to glance out toward the kitchen without securing him in some sort of containment device!

I have purchased more "babyproofing gear" in the past week than I care to admit. Perhaps I've gone a little overboard, but I'm so tired of the bumps and bruises! It's bad enough that crawling has brought about an uptick in the previously-only-occasional face-planting-in-the-floor business - that is nearly impossible to prevent, if you want to allow your child the space to develop those motor skills and learn his physical capabilities. I've got to try to prevent the bumps and bruises that I can prevent. That said, I refuse to line every edge of my coffee table in foam (though his little noggin somehow manages to find each and every angle and edge throughout the course of a day)!

Homeboy loves him some electrical cords. GAH. This is the cord to a particularly tall and top-heavy floor lamp that he has nearly brought down on his head more than once. Thank God for these nifty cord hiders! He has lost interest now that the cord is no longer in play.

Gotta lock up those poisonous cleaners, ant baits and paint thinner! It seems that crawling has also brought about a sudden epiphany concerning cabinets - that they contain super-fun, baby-unfriendly items that he's just dying to drink, or cut himself with.

Ohhhh the epic Battle of the Buttons. Since the advent of in-home electronics, babies have been obsessed with dials, buttons, touch screens... anything they can get their little paws on to destroy the delicate balance of settings that allow us to continue enjoying our favorite television programming. I found these life-saving "dvd guards" on Amazon - they're attached by velcro for easy parental access (and probably easy toddler access one day, when he figures out that he's stronger than a few strips of velcro!). Of course I'd also like to teach him that these items are off-limits, so that as he gets older he doesn't think that it's fun to play with the buttons on everyone else's electronics, but that kind of limit-setting is really beyond his understanding at this point. We still tell him "no" when he starts in on the electronics, but this keeps him from driving us completely bonkers by actually changing settings while he's at it!

We have yet to order the gate for the top of the stairs, mostly because I'm a bad mother, I suppose. We just don't play in that area, and I'm not crazy enough to take him into that area and then turn my back on him! But accidents are called "accidents" for a reason... you never plan for them to happen. So I do need to get on that. Maybe on pay day. The upward stairs are a whole 'nother beast, and I'm not quite sure how we're going to finagle a gate for that set-up...

Yeah. You tell me. We may have to hire an engineer for that one. 

Crawling has also made nap time a nightmare, all over again. Usually it's an issue of him waking too early, not an issue of him fighting the nap in the first place (though a few times a week he does fight me). When he has been asleep for less than an hour and wakes up, I know (from my own extensive experience with this particular child) that he hasn't had enough sleep yet, particularly if this happens with his first nap. He'll be I-just-woke-up jolly for about a half an hour, and things will rapidly deteriorate from there. My choices, then, are to go get him and just deal for the rest of the day, or to encourage him to go back to sleep. Neither is particularly pleasant. My hope is that this sleep disturbance is largely a result of his little mile-a-minute mind just racing with wonder at his new skills and all that he is discovering about his surroundings and himself, and that once he wakes he just can't settle his mind enough to drift off to sleep again. If that's the case, then the problem should correct itself gradually as this crawling thing becomes old hat. Of course, then he'll be onto the next big thing! 

Oh, babies. It's always something. Good thing they're so stinkin' cute, and that this milestone-reaching business is such an amazing spectacle to behold. Watching him beam and giggle with pride as he furiously races toward me on his hands and knees just melts my heart!

On Mommy Guilt and Med School

I'd just like to start by saying that this started out as a Facebook status, but then I started rambling and epiphasizing enough that I decided it would look silly as a status update. LOL! I crack myself up with my long-windedness sometimes. Can't even leave a simple status update anymore. Oye.

So ANYWAY...

In preparation for my glorious return to medical school in a few weeks, I've been watching summer year-2 lectures given by my former classmates who are now 4TH-YEARS (so proud of them... they're pretty awesome lecturers)! Never thought I'd say it, but apparently I've been missing this. It's almost got me excited to get back into it. Actually, I think I really am excited and didn't want to admit it just then. Isn't it silly that I feel guilty for being excited about this? Motherhood sure does dramatically warp your sense of self! It's not a bad thing, it just stretches you into this multi-dimensional person I guess, and it takes some time to settle into that new reality and to believe that you can house multiple dimensions inside of your one "self". That you can nurture and develop "multiple personalities" without actually dividing yourself into less-than-whole "selves". Mommy Jenna can be just as complete a part of me as Student Jenna and eventually Doctor Jenna. People try to tell you that, but when you first become a mother it seems like crazy-talk. I think that motherhood is just so all-consuming that it completely takes over who you are, at least for a time. Well, let's be real... it's takes over who you are for life. It's changes you in a multitude of fundamental ways - it's not like you can ever "change back". But the point is that you don't have to "change back", you just have to grow. The assimilation of the "mother" role is sort of an automatic thing - not to say that everyone is automatically good at it or automatically accepts it, but it automatically takes over your life and your psyche no matter how hard you might try to resist it! This "take over" can be a very positive thing - it has been for me, and I'm eternally grateful to God for it - but it's easy to get completely lost in it and forget other parts of yourself. There are other parts that need nurturing too. At first I just forgot those parts altogether, because I am so fulfilled as a mother that I really haven't missed them. They weren't in my face begging for my attention, so they got lost, and I didn't care! Not even a little! Then it came time to reintroduce myself to them, and my initial knee-jerk reaction was pure guilt. They weren't total strangers as I had expected them to be... I found that I kinda missed them, and I felt guilty about that. I thought that it meant that motherhood wasn't "enough" for me anymore, and that it should be enough. The fact that dread was no longer the dominant emotion when I thought about returning to school made me feel like a bad mother.

WHAAAA?????!!!!

I should be ecstatic that this is the case. Finally, the dense fog of fear and apprehension has been lifted and I can see the sunlight! But it just made me feel bad. I should want nothing more than to stay with my baby, at home, forever.

The reality is that I do feel that way. I do want nothing more than to stay at home with my baby forever. But somehow I also feel that I do want to become a doctor. I feel both feelings very intensely. That's the expansion that comes with motherhood. It's nothing new to say that humans can experience two conflicting emotions so intensely, but it's new to me. I've been waiting a long time to have this epiphany, and to see that while in physical reality those may be mutually exclusive events, in my heart they can both be bopping around in there forever. What I feel in my heart for my son is what makes me a good mother, and when a choice must be made that forces me to be away from him, I have to cling to what's in my heart. I don't have a choice about him going to day care. Financially speaking, I can no longer stay at home with him - it's either school or work. But even if I had the choice, it would be a tremendously difficult decision to make. When I'm honest with myself, I can admit that I want this whole doctor thing. I really do. Isn't it sad that I haven't wanted to "admit" that to myself... that I have a dream, and (miraculously) the opportunity to make it a reality?! That doesn't make me a bad mother, though it often feels that way to me. It just makes me a multi-dimensional person, struggling to grow into that multi-dimensionality day by day, struggling to assimilate the many parts of who I am into one functioning person.

It's a tough road, but such a beautiful thing when you think about it. Who I am, the fabric of "me", has stretched and grown and added new textures and designs. I can see now that my intense devotion to mothering my son will always teeter dangerously close to shutting down my will to strive for anything more, because being a mother is such a tremendous gift all its own. I truly need nothing more. What an incredible force motherhood is! But I had to admit to myself that my heart has more than one desire in this world, and that that's ok. What a beautiful reality to live out... watching myself grow and change and deepen in my capacity to really feel out what matters most in my life. That's one of the greatest gifts of motherhood. It has given me a new kind of deep and wide perspective on what matters most, because I now know what it feels like to have something matter so profoundly that my life would seem utterly empty if I lost it. That's not to say that people without children don't know what really matters most to them - of course they do. I also don't mean to suggest that moms who do have the blessed privilege of staying home with their children aren't "striving for more" - we all use our "mom glasses" to see the world in new and different ways, and to determine which desires and opportunities before us warrant our commitment of time and effort. It doesn't have to be a "job", per se, that we choose to pursue with this life we're given. I guess I'm just trying to say that there was this glorious realignment that occurred in my life when we welcomed Eli, and I love the way it has changed my perspective - it is a gift that I will always treasure.

Sick baby, Baby food making extravaganza, and BEACH BOUND!

Whew. CRAAAAAZY couple of days around here. Yesterday my day began with the discovery of some blood in the baby's urine, so a day that I had planned to spend laundering and packing for the beach was suddenly thrown into a total panic. I was flying around here like a house on fire packing for the hospital instead, until our pediatric urologist's team returned my page and calmed me the heck down! Given his underlying kidney issues, it is extremely important that we catch and kill any potential urinary tract infections as quickly as possible to protect his good kidney (since it's the only one he has!). We ended up wasting two hours of our afternoon at Express Care, NOT getting the antibiotic nor the urine culture that the urologist told us to get (I'll spare you the details of the incompetency that I encountered). Useless. Luckily the resident on call at Hopkins was able to call in the antibiotic for me. My poor baby was so pitiful, running a 101.8 fever and eventually vomiting his guts up just before bed :'( He fell asleep like a total wet wash cloth, so limp in my arms that I made a point of jostling him when I got up to lay him down, just to make sure that he was responsive. I also proceeded to check in on him several times during the night, of course. My first experience with a truly sick baby has been exactly what it's chalked up to be... the worst thing EVER. Ugh.

My poor lil babykins, sleeping in my arms at Express Care :'(

He seemed to be feeling much better today, though there were still some tinges of pink in his urine. No fevers, no vomiting, but he didn't have much of an appetite and was definitely dehydrated. At least he was acting like his normal, chipper self! After a follow-up appointment with the pediatrician, we were able to get some of the vacation prep work started - grocery shopping, laundry, some cleaning, and LOTS of baby-food-making!

3 pounds of organic apples, 5 pears, a butternut squash, 4 sweet potatoes and a bag of organic baby carrots. $21.49 at Giant.

Cut the squash in half, lay the halves face-down in a baking pan in about an inch of water. Bake at 350 for 45 mins - 1 hour. Scoop out the "meat", puree in the blender. Add a little of the baking water (which contains any leached nutrients) to achieve desired consistency. DONE.

The worst part of making baby food is the peeling. 9 Apples and 5 pears will take it out of ya! But really, if the only "cooking skill" you need is the ability to wield a knife, how hard can MYO baby food really be? The answer: it's not. 

For apples and pears, I peel, core, cube and bake in about an inch of water - 350 for about 30-45 mins (until fork tender... kinda depends on how ripe they are to begin with, particularly for the pears). Again, just add some of the baking water if you need to thin the puree.

This was my first go 'round with carrots, but they were SUPER easy. I rinsed them, checked them all for any "weirdness" on the ends and trimmed said weirdness as needed, threw them in a pot with a tiny bit of water (just enough to cover the bottom of the empty pot) and steamed until fork-tender, about 15 mins. Threw them in the blender on puree, and never had to make any adjustments - perfect consistency. Awesome! 

All told, I ended up with 182 oz of baby food. For $21.49. That's almost half of what I'd pay per ounce for the Gerber plastic containers of baby food. It did take up several hours of my day, but I only have to do that once every three weeks-ish. Ya can't go wrong, my friends! 

Now I'm all set to head to the BEACH tomorrow with my homemade baby food in tow! I'm a little nervous given Eli's recent health issues, but he seems to be responding well to the antibiotic, so we'll just have to keep a close eye and hope for the best. We'll only be about 3 hours from home anyway. We're heading to OCMD with friends of ours whose parents have a beach house, so we'll be staying for free, cooking in, and just enjoying some good old-fashioned relaxation (and hopefully some CRABS)! Packing for the beach this year - with a baby (and all the STUFF that said baby "requires") - has been a whole new challenge! I have about 5 different lists floating around the house, just trying to keep myself organized and make sure that no essentials are left behind! The place is littered with sticky notes, too. It can be difficult to differentiate between true "essentials" and "stuff that makes my life so much easier", but with limited trunk space (since trading in the Grand Cherokee for a CR-V) we're trying to be as minimalist as is practical with an 8-month-old. We'll only be gone for 5 days, and really, one can live without just about anything for 5 days. "One" doesn't want to have to live without anything on her list, however, so "one" will be quadruple checking before blast off tomorrow evening!

I hope you're all enjoying your summer! Catch ya on the flip side of vacay!!!

In Which I Single-Handedly Fix The World

If you're looking for something to do on this Monday morning, why not visit the Environmental Working Group's Skin Deep Database and look up some of the personal care products you use on your baby (or yourself, for that matter). Wipes, sunscreens, soaps... go ahead. If it doesn't terrify you, then you have nerves of steel, my friend.

Now, let's not jump into a discussion of whether Moms should or shouldn't let these health concerns get under their skin (pun intended!)... I'm not about passing judgement over parenting decisions. Unless of course I see you cruising down the road with your baby in your lap a la Britney Spears, in which case I reserve the right to call you a moron. Maybe even to your face. But definitely behind your back to my other Mommy friends.

My point is this: the market is CHOCK FULL of products, for babies and adults alike, that contain far too many seriously hazardous chemicals. We can try to ignore it and downplay it, but unfortunately it's a fact of life. Revolutions in chemistry have yielded an amazing array of different compounds that help to make our lives easier, from preservatives that keep our foods safe to detergents that keep our homes clean to components that make sunscreens easier to apply (in hopes that more people will wear sunscreen appropriately, thereby reducing the incidence of skin cancer - certainly a noble goal). Whatever the new-and-improve-ment, you can bet that there's a chemical component that was developed to make it possible, and that there was much rejoicing upon its discovery. Our lives have been chemicalized gradually, and probably with the best of intentions - usually to make some product easier to use, more pleasant, or otherwise "better".

Not all "chemicals" are toxic (just as not all "naturally derived" compounds are safe). I really hate the way that people toss around the term "chemical" in such a derogatory sense, given the fact that all of nature is composed of chemicals. EVERYTHING is chemical - you yourself are a vibrant pool of chemical reactions. It's the synthetic chemicals that we worry about, and again, not all synthetic chemicals are inherently harmful. Certainly, though, there's plenty to be concerned about. It seems that just about every class of consumable has its short list (or perhaps a long list, in many cases!) of concerning ingredients.

From the relatively recent spike in concern over (and research into) the safety of synthetic compounds that we use daily, particularly on the tiniest members of our society, has sprung a relatively small market of "naturally derived", "organic", and "(insert concerning chemical name)-free" products. This is a fabulous thing - capitalism at work. A new demand develops, and a supply springs up to fulfill the demand, opening up entrepreneurial opportunities and creating jobs and spurring scientific inquiry and bettering our society.

Slowly but surely a new market is developing, but for now it remains a market of "specialty products". This is where I perceive a huge problem. So long as these more natural, less toxic products remain a "specialty" they will remain exorbitantly priced, leaving concerned moms like myself to agonize over the financial commitment to "go green(er)". Families are always looking to save money on consumables that must be replenished regularly, making these less toxic products particularly difficult to afford.


Quick aside: it's obviously not just moms that are concerned. Human beings in general ought to be concerned about their own exposures. The smaller body mass of babies and young children, though, means higher exposure levels per pound and therefore closer-to-toxic levels of accumulation in their tissues. 


Enter: "Mommy Guilt". As if we don't judge ourselves (and each other) enough as it is - particularly given the biological imperative that we feel to care for and protect our families - we are now being dealt yet another thing that we "should really" do something about. But what if we just don't have the money? How do we make the choice to "be cheap" when it comes to the safety of our families? Should we be forced to cut corners in other areas so that we can afford products that our actually safe for our children to use?

Here's my solution: STEP IN, FDA!!! DO SOMETHING!!! If, as a society, we made the choice to value product safety above all else and held companies more strictly accountable, I believe that a positive chain reaction would ensue. Yes, it is more expensive to develop new products that use naturally-derived (and therefore more supply-limited) ingredients. However, if all producers were forced to eliminate cheap toxic ingredients and find safer alternatives, market competition would eventually drive down the cost. And even if production costs remained relatively high and product prices followed suit, if all of these products on the market got expensive, the general cost of living would be increased and in turn wages would be forced to increase. Inflation sucks, but  if it's relatively uniform across the board it could help us all to afford to use safer products in our homes.

Of course, I'm no business woman. I'm not an economist, either. I'm sure that my skeleton "plan" is full of flaws. But I can't help but feel that this is, like many societal issues, a matter of values. If we made safety a top priority at the highest levels of society, things would change. This isn't a matter of government controlling our lives and forcing us to use "organic" products - it's a matter of government doing its job as a protector of the public. We rely on expert institutions like the FDA to do their due diligence, so that we don't have to become chemists in order to make safe choices at the supermarket. Remove these toxic ingredients from the shelves and big business might take a temporary hit, but big business can handle a right hook much better than my baby's immune system can handle formaldehyde. I'm SO tired of encouraging our government to protect big business at the expense of generations to come.

Rash Wars

Ugh. My baby has been RASHY for months. They come, they go, they flare up, they calm down. Sometimes they're scaly and dry, sometimes they're a little inflamed and red. They show up mostly on the backs of his arms and shoulders, the backs and sides of his upper thighs, and all across his back. Of course we've consulted the pediatrician (at his 6-month check-up, shortly after all this rash business started), and we were given hydrocortisone cream and advised to use it for only a few days at a time since it is a steroid cream and prolonged exposure has negative side effects. I spent weeks cycling him on and off of it - it would clear up in two or three days, we'd stop the cortisone, and it would come right back within two or three days. That just isn't a regimen that we can continue - it's not a great idea for him to be on a steroid cream constantly, with only a few days' break at a time, and we're not doing that forever - it's just not a solution.

I got some Aveeno Baby Eczema Therapy cream, which has done a great job of keeping his skin nice and moisturized but hasn't eliminated the rashes. We apply it daily after bath time, and sometimes we'll apply a little more directly to the rashes during the day if they're looking dry and scaly. Using the Aveeno at least makes me feel like I'm doing something to help keep the rashes from bothering him, but I WANT THEM GONE, dangit! The good news is that he rarely ever seems bothered by them. I never see him trying to scratch or rub at them, with the exception of a spot at the base of his head that occasionally flares up - I have seen him scratch at that once or twice.

I have considered a variety of sources. First of all, is he just a kid who is going to have problems with eczema? Well, I hope not, but it's certainly a possibility. It may be that there's no environmental trigger - he just has dry skin problems. I don't like that answer, so I'm not stopping there. Contact dermatitis from a detergent or fabric softener? Haven't changed detergents (we use Target's brand of Dreft on his clothes and A&H Free on ours), and I stopped using fabric softener on his clothes a few weeks ago. Now, which of his clothes have been washed with and without fabric softener? Am I going to re-wash ALL of his clothes without, so that I know for sure? If I was even remotely convinced that that was the cause, I would, but I truly don't think it is. I feel like these rashes would be all over him if it was something in his clothes. Not to mention the fact that they're the worst in areas that his clothes don't cover right now, like the backs of his arms down to his elbows (he has been wearing mostly sleeveless and short sleeve shirts for weeks now). I'm more concerned with a food allergy. When this started, he'd had rice cereal, oatmeal cereal, bananas, apples, pears, sweet potatoes and squash. That's my list of concerning foods. He has been off of rice cereal since about 6 months when we switched to oatmeal, so I'm not worried about the rice. I have eliminated pears for over a week, squash for over a week and bananas for about a month, all with no change. So I still have sweet potatoes and apples to try eliminating, but I decided that oatmeal was more likely to be the problem. We've been on rice cereal since Saturday, and I believe we're beginning to see some improvement (!) Here's hoping!

Now, if it was the oatmeal, what does that mean? The box says "may contain traces of wheat", so is it really a wheat allergy problem? Is it gluten? Dear GOD I hope not. Of course I'll do whatever needs to be done as far as feeding my son - if we have to go gluten free, then so be it - I just don't want that for him. I don't want him to have to deal with that! Isn't the whole "one kidney" thing enough? Honestly. But then again, I'm probably getting ahead of myself. It's just a rash at this point. It may not be gluten, and even if it is, perhaps he'll grow out of it. And then again, maybe it isn't a food allergy at all. He doesn't seem to have any internal symptoms. He hasn't had any tummy troubles or gas issues to my knowledge, and has normal stools (of varying color and consistency of course, but never any diarrhea or constipation or particularly dark stools). A gluten intolerance seems unlikely in the absence of internal symptoms. If it is a food allergy it's certainly a mild one, given that the rash seems to be the lone symptom.

If it turns out that eliminating the oatmeal clears it up, I suppose I'll just have to dig deeper into oat and gluten allergies, consult the pediatrician, and try to figure out just how far we should go in terms of avoiding certain ingredients, or when it would be safe to try re-introducing them if it's at all likely that he'll outgrow it. The next question becomes, do I need to change my diet? The knee-jerk answer would be "Of course!", but I've studied enough biochemistry to know that gluten is a big ol' honkin' protein that very well may not pass into breast milk. I would imagine that only the smaller peptide building blocks of gluten would find their way into breast milk, and even then probably only in small quantities. I'll have to look further into this. I have no qualms about adjusting my diet if the need arises - continuing to breastfeed is my priority - but I'd like to be sure that it's necessary before taking that dive!

At any rate, that's what's on my mind these days... always "working on" something! Perhaps next time I'll delve into what's going on in the less baby-centric corners of my life (before those little corners disappear altogether! HA!)... like my new car, or preparing to return to medical school, or household projects... Gee, maybe I do still have a life ;-)

Our Lil' Wild Man

Thanks to my sister-in-law (better known throughout the blogosphere as The Luckiest), I realized this morning that I have failed to post about our wee man's exciting developments of late! I should qualify... probably only exciting to me and a select few grandmothers and aunts, and perhaps a few baby-fevered girlfriends ;-) At any rate, for the benefit of all interested parties, I'll proceed. Stick around if you want to ;-)

There are only so many dimensions to the life of a seven-and-a-half-month-old, and sleeping and eating still dominate our routine. He's still sleeping like a champ, usually at least 11 hours at night with two naps a day (of varying length, though they almost always total 3-4 hours). No complaints there!

His favorite foods include oatmeal, peas, apples, and sweet potatoes, and he doesn't mind making a complete mess with them ;-) Still not diggin' the avocados, though! We've also been practicing with a transitional sippy cup in hopes that he'll eventually take milk from it at day care. He generally treats it like a chew toy, but he's gradually getting the hang of it! His favorite part of meal time, though, may be the face-wiping that comes at the end. He loves nothing more than to have something pulled over his face, so we always play with the damp paper towel for a few minutes before the clean-up operation commences. I really need to post some video of this... it's pretty hysterical. I don't know that I've ever seen him get more amped up over anything else!

Given his love of the tub, it isn't terribly surprising that he totally digs the kiddie pool as well! He spent probably two hours happily splashing around and chewing on pool toys at Ben's family's Memorial Day cookout :-) We can't wait to spend a long weekend with our great friends, soon-to-be-newlyweds Joe & Tiffany, at the beach in July... I bet he'll LOVE their big pool, though I'm not so sure about the "BIG" pool (that is, the Atlantic)!

 Eli is becoming more and more interactive with his cousins and is simply fascinated by other little people like him. We've always looked forward to seeing him play with his many small cousins (of which there are 6, plus a 7th arriving in August!), so we're really enjoying his development into a little social being! 

Along those same lines, he always prefers to be playing interactively with Mommy and Daddy. He will self-entertain for a short while if need be, but he loves to play simple toy-less games (even if it's just sitting in a laundry basket) with us. He LOVES peek-a-boo and being startled... unless it's a little too close to bedtime. Daddy has been burned once or twice trying to play-scare him when he's a little too fragile!

My little running buddy also LOVES to be outside in the stroller! Even just sitting out on the deck or front stoop for a few minutes can completed change his tune if he's being fussy. Daddy got us a jogging stroller for Mothers' Day and we've really been enjoying it. Being able to go out for a run whenever the mood strikes has been wonderful. I've always found it more difficult to stay motivated if there's a specific time that I "have to" work out because it's my only free time. Sometimes you just want to relax in your free time! Not to mention I have more time to start dreading it if it's a scheduled thing, versus a spur-of-the-moment thing. This way we can go out for a run right after I've just had a 2-hour nap time to relax, regroup, get a few things done around the house... whatever might have kept me from using that time to work out. And now that I have the jogging stroller, I feel more motivated to use our outdoor time to run (versus just going out for a leisurely stroll) - if I'm gonna get him all sunscreened-up and get the stroller out, I might as well work on my post-baby physique while I'm at it!

While we're still many months away from speech, our beautiful boy is starting to pick up some consonant sounds. Funny as it sounds, he stared with "vuh" - I think that it was a stepping stone on the way to "buh" since the latter requires a little more lip control than the former. Though he can certainly make an "m" sound (and uses it most frequently as a lower-pitched way to whine!), I'm still trying to coax out a "mama" ;-) We've started signing with him and hope to see him signing back within the next two months or so. We use "eat" and "all done" most frequently, but I try to work in the signs for "play", "diaper", "more" and "sleep" as often as they come up in conversation. The goal is to give him signs that he can use to express his needs/desires once he gets the hang of it, to reduce frustration and give him a head start in communicating with us. We also use the sign for "cat" a lot, as he is quite taken with our two kitties and is always looking around for them!

As far as developmental milestones go, he stands quite stably with very little help and loves to stand at the coffee table and slap it to death! He is also starting to rock back and forth on his hands and knees, so I'm mentally preparing myself to have a mobile baby in the not-too-distant future... 

(Video to come... working out the Blogger kinks!)

He's scooting around on his butt some, though I don't think it's exactly "intentional" at this point - I think it's just a result of leaning and reaching around for toys. In the same way, he scoots backward on his belly incidentally while trying to get up onto his knees (they usually just slide out from under him and the result is that he moves backward). All of this "incidental" movement can carry him quite a distance, though - gone are the days when I could put him down and expect to find him in the same place a few minutes later! I'm in trouble once he realizes that he can move around at his own command.

Well, that about sums up the goings on in the life of our silly little charmer! His developing personality has us falling deeper in love every day :-) As much as you wish that they could stay tiny forever, it's so true what other moms tell you... that each stage brings its own incredible new joys to behold! 

On Moving Forward

I know that I want to become a doctor. It's a calling that I feel deep-down-inside. In my clearest moments, I'm certain that medicine is where I belong.

When I'm rocking my baby to sleep at night, things get blurry (which may be due in part to the fact that I get all teary-eyed at least 60% of the time). He's sleepily nursing away, occasionally raising a chubby little fist to rub his eyes, then allowing that pudgy-soft arm to flop lazily across his face as he gradually surrenders to sleep. To my surprise he suddenly pulls away, eyes half-open, to stare lovingly at his mama. A sheepish half-grin spreads across his face, but he doesn't get overly excited. There's no wiggling or arm-flapping, just peaceful contentment and a hole-boring, unblinking stare. I smile back, and his grin widens. We remain locked in this stare for as long as he'll hold it, and I whisper to him that I love him, that I wish I never had to leave him, that he's the most special little creature on the planet. His blinking - though infrequent - gradually becomes heavier, but so long as those enchanting hazel eyes are open they're locked on mine. Before long he slips off to sleep, for real this time. I linger in the rocking chair a little longer just to listen to his breath and lightly trace his soft, plump cheeks. The moment couldn't be any more perfect. He couldn't be any more perfect.

Becoming a mother permanently alters your perspective on the rest of life - those other "hats" that you wear. I am a firm believer that the "Wife" hat must sit at the right hand of the "Mommy" hat - that the two roles must not only be equally valued and prioritized, but also indivisibly intertwined. All the other hats, though, quickly shrink into the background. "Doctor" is a hat that I'm looking forward to wearing one day, but it simply doesn't measure up. I know that there will be a kind of fulfillment to be found in serving others as a physician, and that it will be an enriching new dimension to my life, but the pure joy that I find in being a wife and mother will always remain unrivaled - of that I am convinced.

As I move forward into this new and largely uncharted territory, I just have to allow myself to be sad. I'm letting go of stay-at-home-motherhood, and that hurts. I need to cry about it, to complain about it, and to occasionally hatch convoluted schemes for escaping it. I'm going to love being a doctor, but sometimes I'm going to truly hate the road I must travel to get there. Just like everybody else who has traveled that road before me. Just like everybody else who has had to leave their baby to return to work or school or whatever life requires of them. The transition will be hard - really hard - but we will eventually settle into our new routine. It won't always feel this way. There will be occasional pangs of sadness and guilt, but only occasionally ;-) My life will be what I make of it - I'm driving this train! I don't need to fear the future because the path I'm on is opening doors for me, not closing them. I'm creating opportunities for myself and for my family. It may not always feel like it's all good, but it is. It's all good.

For now, I'm gonna go revel in the joys of stay-at-home-motherhood while I have it, and try to look forward to the exciting new opportunities that God has in store for our family. The unknown is always a little scary, but knowing that God is in control sure does take the edge off ;-)