I haven't written in a while... again. Things have been a LITTLE hectic. I'm sure everyone who reads this already knows that Ben's dad had a stroke around Thanksgiving. We've been spending every weekend visiting at the hospital, although we did carve out some time this past weekend for friends in the evenings. His dad is doing very well physically. The slurred speech that he had just after the stroke is all but gone, and he is slowly getting his strength back. He lives alone and laid on the floor for two days after falling during the stroke, so he was very dehydrated, malnourished, and in a lot of pain. He lost some muscle mass when his body started into starvation mode also, so it's been a long process getting him strong again. He's using a walker now (which he didn't need before) and is able to pull himself up off the bed and scoot around in the bed on his own - which is great since he could barely move on his own when he first got to the hospital. He's a GBMC on a rehab floor and has been there for a little over 2 weeks now. He does about three hours of therapy per day, including physical, occupational and speech therapy. They keep him busy, and it seems to be working well. He's actually having surgery today, in about half an hour, to clean out one of his blocked carotid arteries (which was probably the source of his stroke). Both are blocked - one completely, and the other about 90%. They're only operating on the 90%-blocked artery, because apparently once an artery is completely clogged, the plaque quickly builds up all the way to the brain and cleaning it out would be complicated and risky. There is still a small risk - about 5% - that he could have a stroke during this surgery. Since they're moving the plaque, there's always a risk that some of it could escape and travel to his brain. Please keep him in your prayers!
We got Ben's wedding band last week, which he's VERY happy with :) We had it special ordered and got a great deal on it (I saw it at Mervis for $795 and we got it for $490 with a hook-up from a friend!). It's palladium (similar to platinum but not as pricey!) with a hammered finish - just what he wanted. I'm really glad I was able to get him the one he wanted. He saw one just like it at Jared in white gold for $1199, which was the first one we found, and I was really worried that I'd end up either having to get him something else or break the bank. Also wedding-related, I found vases that will work for the centerpieces - very good news. They're about $2 more than I wanted to spend, but they've been so hard to find that I'm just going to suck it up and buy them. It's pretty hilarious that this is the kind of crap that makes it into my blog. Wow. We've also finished buying gifts for our bridesmaids and groomsmen, with the exception of a few loose ends. I've spent the last few months slowly collecting individual rhinestone pins for all of my bridesmaids to wear on their dresses. I'm so happy with them and I'm so glad I got a unique one for each girl - they're going to look great :) I just hope it's something they'll use later on. When I buy pins, I usually don't actually pin them on anything - I string them on a chain and wear them as necklaces. They usually make cute pendants.
In other news, I'm working on trying to line up a summer research job at UMD medical school. Once we're married, Ben and I hope to be living in White Marsh, which would be about an hour and a half commute for me, on a good day, to NIH in Bethesda where I work now. That idea doesn't exactly thrill me, to say the least. There isn't an official program for entering 1st year med students to do research, but I'm trying to get something set up through the director of student research. If I just wanted to volunteer it would be easy, but I REALLY need to be paid. Finding the funding is the difficult part, because the student research funding usually comes from the school, and I technically won't be a student there yet. As I'm sure you can tell, I've basically decided that I'm going to UMD :) I'm really happy about it! I guess at some point I just got over the stupid crap that kept me from being ecstatic about it, and now I'm darn near ECSTATIC!
I guess i'll stop babbling. This wasn't a very interesting post, I apologize :(
OH, one more thing, as of TODAY, Ben and I have been together for 8 1/2 years :) THAT'S something to smile about!
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Too much to be thankful for
Whew! It's been a while huh?! I feel like I always start my posts this way... hmmm. Anyway, Happy Thanksgiving to all, and let the madness begin :) I really don't know where the money is going to come from this year. Last year I just charged stuff, which I refuse to do this year - trying to maintain the debt-free status as I enter my marriage. Well, technically I'm nowhere NEAR debt-free (about $20K in undergrad loans, soon to be multiplied many times over!) but in terms of credit card debt, that's just unnecessary and I refuse. So I apologize to everyone in advance if your Christmas gift is lame (or non-existent...).
Quite frankly - if I may be frank with you all - I'm already starting to regret our wedding budget. It's too late to scale back now, but holy crap. Is this amount of money REALLY necessary for ONE day? I know it's the most important day of my life thus far - trust me, I KNOW - but it really is one day, one party, and then we're left with nothing because we poured it all into the wedding. I just wish we had left ourselves some breathing room. I'm literally putting away 3/4 of my paycheck every month (I get paid monthly - it's a stipend), right off the top. This leaves little if any room for things like Christmas, lunches and nights out with friends, and even things I want for myself for the wedding that I didn't include in the budget... like shoes for instance. Even Ben's wedding ring (I figured it was unfair to put his ring in the budget and not mine, since he'd already bought mine, so I left it out. Idiot). Ugh. It's just rough. It's going to be a beautiful, wonderful, memorable, FUN wedding - there's no doubt. I know I won't be disappointed. We won't wish we had gone bigger or had nicer food or sprung for the open bar or had a better DJ or anything... we've already done all those things. We just might wish we had more money left over. It's funny how we NEVER would have saved this amount of money if it weren't for the wedding - we wouldn't have had the discipline or the motivation without an immediate, important goal looming less than a year away. It's so sad - it's obviously possible, and we could have saved this money just to start a savings account for our future or pay off some debts or whatever. I'm glad we're getting married and not just saving for some unknown future (unknown in terms of when we'd be getting married and living together), but it's a good lesson for both of us, I think, to see that with some discipline and an important goal, we did it. Hopefully we'll be able to look back on this and think "if we did it then, we can do it again". Of course we won't be able to save this much money again for a very long time - we won't have this much financial freedom in terms of our income to responsibility ratio for at least a decade, I'm sure. But just to know that we were able to REALLY stretch and pinch and put away such a large percentage of our "free" income should serve as a motivator for us in the future.
So, just a word to the wise - PRAYERFULLY consider your wedding budget before setting it in stone, and if possible, set up your married life budget BEFORE you set up your wedding budget. It'll give you a sense of just how tight money will be AFTER the big day, and it might make you think twice about delegating every penny that you can possibly save between the engagement and the wedding to the wedding itself. If I had been able to set up our post-wedding budget earlier, I know I would have scaled back. I would have made sure that we were putting aside several thousand of what we could save between now and May 29th for the days AFTER May 29th. I'd like to have at least two months worth of our combined monthly income sitting in an emergency savings account - that is our goal for post-wedding savings. That way if something happens to one of us, we know we have a two-month buffer. Or if an unexpected bill comes up, we have something to fall back on. Now, we're in a situation where we'll be trying to save up that two-month buffer at the rate of $50 per month (that's how much we'll be physically able to save, based on Ben's base pay and my med school borrowing, according to our budget). That's going to take years. Now granted, that's worst case scenario. We'll get wedding money, Ben will get overtime money as long as he's allowed to keep working it, etc. But we could have easily put that much money aside out of our wedding budget and still found a way to have a great wedding. Just food for thought, for anyone reading who isn't married yet.
So anyway, it's Thanksgiving, and I really shouldn't be stressing and complaining about money. God is good, He will provide, and He has taught us valuable lessons through all of this. In the end, I have so much to be thankful for - more than one person SHOULD have I think. I'm marrying the person I met when I was 13 years old. We were just kids, and God allowed us to meet each other, grow together over 8 years, find it somewhere in our adolescent mentalities to truly commit to each other, knit ourselves into each other's families, and all without ever breaking up. He spared us the heartache and frustration and loneliness of dating and being single (not that those are bad things, but they can be incredibly painful at times!). He didn't force us to try out lots of different people. I guess that the way our relationship developed did bring up its own challenges though. We had to get over the idea that maybe there's someone else out there, or maybe we need to "experience other people". We had to get through A LOT of ups and downs that young people aren't well-equipped to deal with. We had to find the maturity to stay together out of pure commitment when the "feelings" didn't come easily, even for weeks on end, when we were just high school kids. We had to deal with living apart over four years and spending only limited amounts of time together, during a time in our lives when everyone else was dating around and I was constantly meeting new people and having new experiences, while Ben felt left behind and out-of-the-loop at home. We've actually been through a lot together, and had so many opportunities to grow apart. But we always grew together. Now, I have an entire extra family to be thankful for. I have, HANDS DOWN, the most amazingly kind, giving, caring, FUN, friendly, and loving sisters-in-law that anyone could ever ask for. I couldn't have found better ones if I went searching for them on my own. My mother-in-law is simply one of the most spiritual, kind, compassionate, outgoing, selfless women I've ever met. These people took me into their family with such warmth and such complete lack of hesitation, and I could never express how much they mean to me. Through them, I've been blessed with a sweet, smart, beautiful niece, and two absolutely PRECIOUS, entertaining, adorable little nephews. I've gotten to watch them grow and become such a part of their lives that they don't know their uncle Ben without me. I have my own incredibly supportive family who have given me all they could give in order to see me succeed, and have never withheld a single thing from me. My parents have loved me with such devotion and pride throughout my life that I don't have a clue what it's like to grow up with anything less than amazing parents. I'm in a very small minority in that respect. I've been accepted to a GREAT medical school that is going to give me the opportunity to pursue a career that I love, make a great living to support my family, and have the career I want to have all right here in Maryland with my family. And there are so many little things, too. I have a job now that allows me to drive in to work and home again every day with my mom, allowing us time together that we wouldn't have otherwise. I have a roof over my head and have never had a real need go unmet in my life. I had a wonderful undergraduate experience that gave me some of the greatest memories and the greatest friends I could have ever asked for, and allowed me to remain close enough to home to maintain the friendships that made me who I was when I got there. And now, those amazing friends love me enough to be a part of my wedding day with me - spending their hard-earned money and their scarce time and energy making my big day special.
Obviously, I could go on all day. The reality is, we all could! No matter what season of life we find ourselves in, there are always blessings to count. Even if it's counting each breath as we take it, God gives us so much to be thankful for. Each beat of our hearts, each moment that all of the intricate systems that keep us healthy and alive function perfectly together... being a science nerd really makes you wonder how God keeps it all running smoothly! But He does, because He loves us and He put us here to enjoy the fruits of His creation. And now, I'm going to go enjoy one of God's greatest gifts... a good night's sleep, in a warm and comfortable bed, with a full belly and a full heart :)
Quite frankly - if I may be frank with you all - I'm already starting to regret our wedding budget. It's too late to scale back now, but holy crap. Is this amount of money REALLY necessary for ONE day? I know it's the most important day of my life thus far - trust me, I KNOW - but it really is one day, one party, and then we're left with nothing because we poured it all into the wedding. I just wish we had left ourselves some breathing room. I'm literally putting away 3/4 of my paycheck every month (I get paid monthly - it's a stipend), right off the top. This leaves little if any room for things like Christmas, lunches and nights out with friends, and even things I want for myself for the wedding that I didn't include in the budget... like shoes for instance. Even Ben's wedding ring (I figured it was unfair to put his ring in the budget and not mine, since he'd already bought mine, so I left it out. Idiot). Ugh. It's just rough. It's going to be a beautiful, wonderful, memorable, FUN wedding - there's no doubt. I know I won't be disappointed. We won't wish we had gone bigger or had nicer food or sprung for the open bar or had a better DJ or anything... we've already done all those things. We just might wish we had more money left over. It's funny how we NEVER would have saved this amount of money if it weren't for the wedding - we wouldn't have had the discipline or the motivation without an immediate, important goal looming less than a year away. It's so sad - it's obviously possible, and we could have saved this money just to start a savings account for our future or pay off some debts or whatever. I'm glad we're getting married and not just saving for some unknown future (unknown in terms of when we'd be getting married and living together), but it's a good lesson for both of us, I think, to see that with some discipline and an important goal, we did it. Hopefully we'll be able to look back on this and think "if we did it then, we can do it again". Of course we won't be able to save this much money again for a very long time - we won't have this much financial freedom in terms of our income to responsibility ratio for at least a decade, I'm sure. But just to know that we were able to REALLY stretch and pinch and put away such a large percentage of our "free" income should serve as a motivator for us in the future.
So, just a word to the wise - PRAYERFULLY consider your wedding budget before setting it in stone, and if possible, set up your married life budget BEFORE you set up your wedding budget. It'll give you a sense of just how tight money will be AFTER the big day, and it might make you think twice about delegating every penny that you can possibly save between the engagement and the wedding to the wedding itself. If I had been able to set up our post-wedding budget earlier, I know I would have scaled back. I would have made sure that we were putting aside several thousand of what we could save between now and May 29th for the days AFTER May 29th. I'd like to have at least two months worth of our combined monthly income sitting in an emergency savings account - that is our goal for post-wedding savings. That way if something happens to one of us, we know we have a two-month buffer. Or if an unexpected bill comes up, we have something to fall back on. Now, we're in a situation where we'll be trying to save up that two-month buffer at the rate of $50 per month (that's how much we'll be physically able to save, based on Ben's base pay and my med school borrowing, according to our budget). That's going to take years. Now granted, that's worst case scenario. We'll get wedding money, Ben will get overtime money as long as he's allowed to keep working it, etc. But we could have easily put that much money aside out of our wedding budget and still found a way to have a great wedding. Just food for thought, for anyone reading who isn't married yet.
So anyway, it's Thanksgiving, and I really shouldn't be stressing and complaining about money. God is good, He will provide, and He has taught us valuable lessons through all of this. In the end, I have so much to be thankful for - more than one person SHOULD have I think. I'm marrying the person I met when I was 13 years old. We were just kids, and God allowed us to meet each other, grow together over 8 years, find it somewhere in our adolescent mentalities to truly commit to each other, knit ourselves into each other's families, and all without ever breaking up. He spared us the heartache and frustration and loneliness of dating and being single (not that those are bad things, but they can be incredibly painful at times!). He didn't force us to try out lots of different people. I guess that the way our relationship developed did bring up its own challenges though. We had to get over the idea that maybe there's someone else out there, or maybe we need to "experience other people". We had to get through A LOT of ups and downs that young people aren't well-equipped to deal with. We had to find the maturity to stay together out of pure commitment when the "feelings" didn't come easily, even for weeks on end, when we were just high school kids. We had to deal with living apart over four years and spending only limited amounts of time together, during a time in our lives when everyone else was dating around and I was constantly meeting new people and having new experiences, while Ben felt left behind and out-of-the-loop at home. We've actually been through a lot together, and had so many opportunities to grow apart. But we always grew together. Now, I have an entire extra family to be thankful for. I have, HANDS DOWN, the most amazingly kind, giving, caring, FUN, friendly, and loving sisters-in-law that anyone could ever ask for. I couldn't have found better ones if I went searching for them on my own. My mother-in-law is simply one of the most spiritual, kind, compassionate, outgoing, selfless women I've ever met. These people took me into their family with such warmth and such complete lack of hesitation, and I could never express how much they mean to me. Through them, I've been blessed with a sweet, smart, beautiful niece, and two absolutely PRECIOUS, entertaining, adorable little nephews. I've gotten to watch them grow and become such a part of their lives that they don't know their uncle Ben without me. I have my own incredibly supportive family who have given me all they could give in order to see me succeed, and have never withheld a single thing from me. My parents have loved me with such devotion and pride throughout my life that I don't have a clue what it's like to grow up with anything less than amazing parents. I'm in a very small minority in that respect. I've been accepted to a GREAT medical school that is going to give me the opportunity to pursue a career that I love, make a great living to support my family, and have the career I want to have all right here in Maryland with my family. And there are so many little things, too. I have a job now that allows me to drive in to work and home again every day with my mom, allowing us time together that we wouldn't have otherwise. I have a roof over my head and have never had a real need go unmet in my life. I had a wonderful undergraduate experience that gave me some of the greatest memories and the greatest friends I could have ever asked for, and allowed me to remain close enough to home to maintain the friendships that made me who I was when I got there. And now, those amazing friends love me enough to be a part of my wedding day with me - spending their hard-earned money and their scarce time and energy making my big day special.
Obviously, I could go on all day. The reality is, we all could! No matter what season of life we find ourselves in, there are always blessings to count. Even if it's counting each breath as we take it, God gives us so much to be thankful for. Each beat of our hearts, each moment that all of the intricate systems that keep us healthy and alive function perfectly together... being a science nerd really makes you wonder how God keeps it all running smoothly! But He does, because He loves us and He put us here to enjoy the fruits of His creation. And now, I'm going to go enjoy one of God's greatest gifts... a good night's sleep, in a warm and comfortable bed, with a full belly and a full heart :)
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Deconstructing my ego, and other related topics
I haven't blogged in a while, so surely I MUST have SOMETHING to say... I'll just start writing and hope it comes to me...
Ok, well, first of all I got some more medical school news - wait-listed at Mount Sinai. Which is fine, since I really can't move to New York at this point in my life. Yesterday I saw Evan for the first time in about three weeks and he cried when I picked him up - perfect example for why I'm not moving to NYC! I cannot deal with my nieces and nephews not knowing me. Lord willing, there will be more babies in our family in the next few years, and I can't deal with missing out on that. This is just the first of many career-related decisions that I will make where my family has to come first.
I have to admit, though, that God is definitely using this process to humble me. For most of my life my teachers, parents, friends, family and Ben have been constantly praising me for my academic achievements, and it's difficult not to develop a bit of an ego about it. I try very hard not to let it grow, or to let other people see it, but I'm fully aware that it's there inside of me. I'm sure it rears its ugly head from time to time without me being completely aware of it though. Anyway, getting all of these interviews really got me thinking that I was a super-competitive candidate, and at this point I really was expecting to get into a lot of schools. Everyone kept telling me I would, and the evidence seemed to be pointing that way up until now. I could still technically get into the schools that wait-listed me, but I didn't think I'd be wait-listed in the first place. Medical school admissions are EXTREMELY competitive. Most schools interview less than 20% of applicants and accept about 20% of those that they interview. It's pretty intense. So why did I think I was a shoo-in? Because apparently the devil has me convinced that I'm this intellectual stud, and I need to get over myself. So here comes God to knock me off my high-horse... Hopkins? "NO." Ok, they're #2 in the country... I can handle being rejected there. UVA and Mount Sinai? "Ummm, maybe. We'll see if the better candidates accept our offers first and then we'll let you know." Ouch. They're tied for #23 in the country. I kinda thought I could hack it at that level. Maryland? "We'll take you!" Great! Buuuut they're #43. No huge accomplishment there (this is my ego talking, not how I really feel at the end of the day). Drexel? "Sure!" Yeah but they're not even ranked. Great. This has been my inner thought process, unfortunately. It's pretty pitiful actually, and I'm glad that God has used this situation to make me more aware of how pitiful it really is! At the end of the day, these people who ARE doctors and know how serious this is looked at me and said "Yeah. I think we can trust her with people's lives. Let's give her a shot." Holy CRAP! Seriously? ME?!?! Sure, I've gotten good grades and participated in a few clubs and done some biomedical research, but does that REALLY qualify me for that kind of trust and confidence? It's truly a gift - an incredible opportunity and an ENORMOUS responsibility - and here I sit disappointed that "better" schools didn't accept me. Even being wait-listed at a school like Mount Sinai is an incredible honor. And to be ACCEPTED anywhere is simply nothing less than a miracle and a gift from God. What is WRONG with me?!?!
So, all that having been said, I'm feeling pretty excited about Maryland and preparing myself to be a Terp :) I still have an interview at Georgetown, this coming Wednesday actually, so I'm keeping that one in the running as well. It's a Jesuit school, which I think has the potential to be a great fit for me. They really focus on patient care and caring for the WHOLE patient - mind, body and spirit - which is really what I'm about, when I consider why I want to be a doctor and what motivates me to care for people. It would be great to learn medicine in an environment where the spiritual aspect isn't ignored and minimized, and where MAYBE there's still some acknowledgement of our Creator playing a role in people's lives. At schools that are very research-focused and heavily into evidence-based medicine and basic science (which are all important things), the ideas of God and spiritualilty tend to be scoffed at not only as personal choices, but as elements of patient care. I can certainly learn on my own how to blend my spirituality with my medical practice, and I'm sure that even at completely secular institutions I'd find mentors that are spiritual and can help to guide me in that - I've already met several just in my interviews. But I'm certainly considering the possibility that Georgetown could be the place that God wants me to be. So we shall see. I feel like the fact that I'm interviewing so late there could mean that I don't have a GREAT shot at being accepted, but who knows. It's in God's hands. What a great feeling :)
Speaking of God's hands, we went to a marriage seminar this weekend, given by Dr. Gary Thomas. He's a world-reknowned writer on the subject of Christian Marriage - I've actually been reading one of his books recently called "Sacred Influence: How God Uses Wives to Shape the Souls of Their Husbands", which has some great insights into the male perspective on the marriage relationship, motivating your husband, and the blessing that you can be to your husband by focusing on becoming a strong, godly woman. After the seminar I also bought his most popular book "Sacred Marriage" and the weekly devotional that goes along with it. My mom and Tim do that devotional, as do my Pastor and his wife, and they all rave about it. Dr. Thomas really was a GREAT speaker - I wish every married person I know could have been there. He really brought things into perspective for me on so many issues, and I hope it's going to make me appreciate Ben and our marriage more deeply and pour more of myself into our marriage with even more enthusiasm and energy than I had previously thought. It was awesome :) I can't say enough about this period of preparation that we're going through - it's been so wonderful and inspiring and reassuring for us and we've learned SO MUCH. Having been through this, I can definitely see myself getting into marriage ministries in the future as I search for ways to serve the Lord in our church (wherever that ends up being), because I already feel so passionate about people getting adequate preparation for marriage. It's not that I think that people who didn't take a class or something are doomed. It's just been SO helpful to us and I think we're going into this with much healthier, more realistic expectations than we might have had previously. I don't think we even realized that we were coming into it with any well-defined expectations at all, but they were certainly lurking there in the back of our minds. As Dr. Thomas says, "What if marriage is designed more to make you holy than to make you happy?" That's really the essence of unrealistic expectations in this country. We expect marriage - finding our "soulmate" - to make us happy. When we aren't blissfully happy all the time, or we even fall into a deep rut where the feelings aren't there or our spouses are driving us crazy - we assume that we must have married the "wrong" person (otherwise we'd be happier!), and the divorce rate rises to 50%. If marriage was designed by God to shape us and refine us toward the image of Christ, and to prepare us for the challenges that God has in store for us in fulfilling each of our purposes in life, then we should EXPECT it to be difficult. That's Gary Thomas's core message, in a nutshell. Anyway, it was great :)
Tonight, I'm making a thanks-for-helping-with-our-wedding dinner for our parents. I think I'm making a cheese fondue, salad, and a shrimp & pasta dish. I've never cooked for this many people before, so it should be interesting...
Ok, well, first of all I got some more medical school news - wait-listed at Mount Sinai. Which is fine, since I really can't move to New York at this point in my life. Yesterday I saw Evan for the first time in about three weeks and he cried when I picked him up - perfect example for why I'm not moving to NYC! I cannot deal with my nieces and nephews not knowing me. Lord willing, there will be more babies in our family in the next few years, and I can't deal with missing out on that. This is just the first of many career-related decisions that I will make where my family has to come first.
I have to admit, though, that God is definitely using this process to humble me. For most of my life my teachers, parents, friends, family and Ben have been constantly praising me for my academic achievements, and it's difficult not to develop a bit of an ego about it. I try very hard not to let it grow, or to let other people see it, but I'm fully aware that it's there inside of me. I'm sure it rears its ugly head from time to time without me being completely aware of it though. Anyway, getting all of these interviews really got me thinking that I was a super-competitive candidate, and at this point I really was expecting to get into a lot of schools. Everyone kept telling me I would, and the evidence seemed to be pointing that way up until now. I could still technically get into the schools that wait-listed me, but I didn't think I'd be wait-listed in the first place. Medical school admissions are EXTREMELY competitive. Most schools interview less than 20% of applicants and accept about 20% of those that they interview. It's pretty intense. So why did I think I was a shoo-in? Because apparently the devil has me convinced that I'm this intellectual stud, and I need to get over myself. So here comes God to knock me off my high-horse... Hopkins? "NO." Ok, they're #2 in the country... I can handle being rejected there. UVA and Mount Sinai? "Ummm, maybe. We'll see if the better candidates accept our offers first and then we'll let you know." Ouch. They're tied for #23 in the country. I kinda thought I could hack it at that level. Maryland? "We'll take you!" Great! Buuuut they're #43. No huge accomplishment there (this is my ego talking, not how I really feel at the end of the day). Drexel? "Sure!" Yeah but they're not even ranked. Great. This has been my inner thought process, unfortunately. It's pretty pitiful actually, and I'm glad that God has used this situation to make me more aware of how pitiful it really is! At the end of the day, these people who ARE doctors and know how serious this is looked at me and said "Yeah. I think we can trust her with people's lives. Let's give her a shot." Holy CRAP! Seriously? ME?!?! Sure, I've gotten good grades and participated in a few clubs and done some biomedical research, but does that REALLY qualify me for that kind of trust and confidence? It's truly a gift - an incredible opportunity and an ENORMOUS responsibility - and here I sit disappointed that "better" schools didn't accept me. Even being wait-listed at a school like Mount Sinai is an incredible honor. And to be ACCEPTED anywhere is simply nothing less than a miracle and a gift from God. What is WRONG with me?!?!
So, all that having been said, I'm feeling pretty excited about Maryland and preparing myself to be a Terp :) I still have an interview at Georgetown, this coming Wednesday actually, so I'm keeping that one in the running as well. It's a Jesuit school, which I think has the potential to be a great fit for me. They really focus on patient care and caring for the WHOLE patient - mind, body and spirit - which is really what I'm about, when I consider why I want to be a doctor and what motivates me to care for people. It would be great to learn medicine in an environment where the spiritual aspect isn't ignored and minimized, and where MAYBE there's still some acknowledgement of our Creator playing a role in people's lives. At schools that are very research-focused and heavily into evidence-based medicine and basic science (which are all important things), the ideas of God and spiritualilty tend to be scoffed at not only as personal choices, but as elements of patient care. I can certainly learn on my own how to blend my spirituality with my medical practice, and I'm sure that even at completely secular institutions I'd find mentors that are spiritual and can help to guide me in that - I've already met several just in my interviews. But I'm certainly considering the possibility that Georgetown could be the place that God wants me to be. So we shall see. I feel like the fact that I'm interviewing so late there could mean that I don't have a GREAT shot at being accepted, but who knows. It's in God's hands. What a great feeling :)
Speaking of God's hands, we went to a marriage seminar this weekend, given by Dr. Gary Thomas. He's a world-reknowned writer on the subject of Christian Marriage - I've actually been reading one of his books recently called "Sacred Influence: How God Uses Wives to Shape the Souls of Their Husbands", which has some great insights into the male perspective on the marriage relationship, motivating your husband, and the blessing that you can be to your husband by focusing on becoming a strong, godly woman. After the seminar I also bought his most popular book "Sacred Marriage" and the weekly devotional that goes along with it. My mom and Tim do that devotional, as do my Pastor and his wife, and they all rave about it. Dr. Thomas really was a GREAT speaker - I wish every married person I know could have been there. He really brought things into perspective for me on so many issues, and I hope it's going to make me appreciate Ben and our marriage more deeply and pour more of myself into our marriage with even more enthusiasm and energy than I had previously thought. It was awesome :) I can't say enough about this period of preparation that we're going through - it's been so wonderful and inspiring and reassuring for us and we've learned SO MUCH. Having been through this, I can definitely see myself getting into marriage ministries in the future as I search for ways to serve the Lord in our church (wherever that ends up being), because I already feel so passionate about people getting adequate preparation for marriage. It's not that I think that people who didn't take a class or something are doomed. It's just been SO helpful to us and I think we're going into this with much healthier, more realistic expectations than we might have had previously. I don't think we even realized that we were coming into it with any well-defined expectations at all, but they were certainly lurking there in the back of our minds. As Dr. Thomas says, "What if marriage is designed more to make you holy than to make you happy?" That's really the essence of unrealistic expectations in this country. We expect marriage - finding our "soulmate" - to make us happy. When we aren't blissfully happy all the time, or we even fall into a deep rut where the feelings aren't there or our spouses are driving us crazy - we assume that we must have married the "wrong" person (otherwise we'd be happier!), and the divorce rate rises to 50%. If marriage was designed by God to shape us and refine us toward the image of Christ, and to prepare us for the challenges that God has in store for us in fulfilling each of our purposes in life, then we should EXPECT it to be difficult. That's Gary Thomas's core message, in a nutshell. Anyway, it was great :)
Tonight, I'm making a thanks-for-helping-with-our-wedding dinner for our parents. I think I'm making a cheese fondue, salad, and a shrimp & pasta dish. I've never cooked for this many people before, so it should be interesting...
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
A New America
I don't usually do this, and this is not why I started a blog, but today I need a place to vent my political frustrations. Tears of joy filled my eyes last night as I watched President-elect Barack Obama give his acceptance speech, as he became the first African-American to be elected President of the United States. I watched as Senator John McCain congratulated this incredible achievement, not only for Barack Obama, but for America as a country. The achievement of moving beyond both race and political partisanship, reaching across the deeply entrenched divides that have plagued this country for decades and even centuries, to elect a black President. White people, black people, hispanic people, young and old, Republicans and Democrats voted for him because they believe that he is the best man for the job. Sure, there are some black people who voted for him because he's black. There are also a lot of white people who refused to vote for him because he's black. Just like there are Republicans who refused to consider him because he's a democrat, and democrats who refused to consider McCain because he's a republican. There will ALWAYS be shallow people who are hung up on labels or embittered by past experiences and who simply cannot be reached, on both sides of the aisle. But last night, we watched America grow up. We watched millions of people put those things aside to vote against the grain, turning traditionally red states blue. In the end, though, it isn't about red and blue states. That's the point. In electing Obama last night, we proved that those lines don't mean a damn thing. That America is ready to forget the "political" motivators and focus on promoting the good of our country, whatever it takes. This is not to say that McCain couldn't have done a world of good for this country too - He loves this country beyond measure, and beyond what most of us will ever experience or understand. The point is that regardless of which way people could have swung last night - it could just as easily have been the election of the first female VP in history that stunned us all - people were WILLING to swing. They were WILLING to take a leap of faith and do something that no one would have thought possible even five years ago. Isn't that encouraging? Even to those of you who didn't support Obama in this election, doesn't it feel like this country is moving closer to a place of healing, where we can finally move forward and work together to make life better for all of us? Isn't there a symbolism buried in last night's historic election that speaks to EVERY American? This result is not just a victory for the democrats or a victory for African Americans. It is a victory for America, that we can all be proud of. It is a symbol of our willingness as a nation to put all the pettiness aside and come together for the common good. I take that back - it's not just a symbol, it's hard evidence. As cheesy as that sounds, it's an unavoidable truth. There is so much hard work to be done and so much progress to be made. Even most Republicans admit - as did John McCain - that this country is in desperate need of change. You may not have gotten the specific change you were hoping for, but we certainly woke up in a different America this morning. Let it be an inspiration to us all, not a point of contention. Let's look forward to healing the intense partisan divide in this country - an achievement that has such potential for completely remodeling the face of American politics, America's image throughout the world, and the way we go about the business of progress in our country. I was so disheartened to hear Republicans (some crazy ones, mind you - this is not a generalization) still focusing on the issue of race even today, still claiming that Obama is out to steal America for the blacks or for the muslims, or even claiming that he's the anti-christ. Have they been listening at all? Anyone who has followed this campaign with even the smallest glimmer of an attempt at objectiveness or neutrality, should be able to readily see that Barack Obama loves this country, for the opportunities that it has given him and his family, for the good it has done in the world over its two and a half centuries of existence, and for the potential it has in the future. His vision is all about uniting America - not dividing it - because he has worked in the trenches and seen the devastation that a divided America can bring. He ran not as a black man promoting some agenda for black Americans, but as a compassionate man fighting for the needs of the poor and the working class - the people who have no one to fight for them in a government dominated by special interests and billion-dollar corporations. I think we're all fed up with the billion-dollar corporations and their trips to Hawaii while our grandparents can't retire because they just lost their 401Ks. Taxing the upper-class more heavily doesn't mean "redistribution of wealth", it means holding people responsible for the contribution that this country deserves in return for the opportunities it has provided, and asking those who have the means to help, to do so.
I'll stop before I start addressing individual topics, but the bottom line is, Barack Obama is about lifting up this entire country as a whole. As heavily Christian as the right-wing claims to be, this is something that should unite us. The Bible values service and giving to the poor - it is our duty as Christians, it's not just something we do to be nice sometimes. It's our calling. It's a value that we should hold up right next to preserving the sanctity of marriage and preserving the lives of the innocent unborn (an issue on which I admittedly disagree with the president-elect). If we don't take care of those in need, no one will. With as much wealth as this country has, poverty should not exist. We're just too greedy. We want the credit and we want our due for the hard work we've done, and we don't like sharing. We're all guilty of it, myself certainly included. We work hard and we don't want to let go of what we've earned. We need to do better, and America deserves better. I think we can unite in that.
I'll stop before I start addressing individual topics, but the bottom line is, Barack Obama is about lifting up this entire country as a whole. As heavily Christian as the right-wing claims to be, this is something that should unite us. The Bible values service and giving to the poor - it is our duty as Christians, it's not just something we do to be nice sometimes. It's our calling. It's a value that we should hold up right next to preserving the sanctity of marriage and preserving the lives of the innocent unborn (an issue on which I admittedly disagree with the president-elect). If we don't take care of those in need, no one will. With as much wealth as this country has, poverty should not exist. We're just too greedy. We want the credit and we want our due for the hard work we've done, and we don't like sharing. We're all guilty of it, myself certainly included. We work hard and we don't want to let go of what we've earned. We need to do better, and America deserves better. I think we can unite in that.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Praise the Lord
After all the hemming and hawing, all the fretting, the worrying... today, I received my Hopkins rejection letter. It made me smile :) I was so worried that I'd have to make a difficult decision between my happiness and my education, and now I don't have to make that choice. God came through for me, once again, answering my prayers by showing me where He wants me to be. Or, at least, where He doesn't want me to be. Praise the Lord, is all I can say!
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Our "wedsite"
It just occurred to me that people might like to check out our wedding website (after all, I did make it for OTHER PEOPLE to look at!). So, here it is:
www.theknot.com/ourwedding/JennaKeyser&BenBonner
www.theknot.com/ourwedding/JennaKeyser&BenBonner
I need to vent
My dog died today :'( My sweet, beloved Jasmine. My very first pet, that my mom and I had to beg my dad for over the course of many weeks, months and years. She was in relatively good health for being 15 1/2 years old - just some weakness in her hind end and gradual vision and hearing loss. Standard for a dog that old. But last night, she apparently had some sort of neurological episode. She may have had a stroke, but my mom looked up her symptoms online and it looks more like a brain tumor that finally began producing symptoms. She started throwing up all over the place and her eyes were bouncing back and forth and she lost the use of her legs. She eventually stopped throwing up, but her eyes kept moving back and forth in her head all night and all morning, and she could only hold herself up on her front legs for a few seconds at a time. She hadn't eaten in a day and a half and she was refusing water, which was a sure sign that she knew she was dying - Jasmine normally drinks water like it's going out of style. My mom took her to the vet this morning to be put to sleep. Apparently the first shot (a sedative that they give before the lethal shot) stopped the eye movements, so she could actually make eye contact, which made my mom feel better. She said that Jasmine gave her one last kiss before they gave her the lethal shot. How heartbreaking is that? So it was a pretty sad day for me.
To distract myself, I'm stealing this survey from Amberly's blog, and I'm going to fill it out. You don't have to read it if you don't want to - it's just self-therapy.
I am: a child of God
I think: that this country deserves more honest leadership, and that Barack Obama is going to win next week
I want: to be an unsually caring and comforting doctor
I have: more happiness than anyone deserves
I dislike: mustard. milk. asparagus. lies.
I miss: college. I made some of the best friends in the world, and some amazing memories
I fear: losing someone I love
I feel: an immense sense of responsibility, having been given the opportunity to become a doctor
I hear: the theme song from "Friends" - it's on TV
I smell: dinner. my dad is whipping up something to eat. i will miss this when i move out!
I crave: more time with ben. i can never get enough!
I cry: because my dad & my grammy aren't saved. and because i miss jasmine.
I usually: make too much of little things. it's something i need to work on.
I regret: not taking every opportunity to tell my family about the Lord
I search: for the courage to face death one day.
I wonder: how God will bless us next, and how He will carry us through the challenges of the next four years and beyond in our new marriage
I love: God, Ben, my family, and medicine.
I care: about the homeless, the economy, the war, better healthcare, and seeing washington change. and i truly, deeply believe that only one of these candidates can hack it.
I always: say I love you before i leave whoever i'm with
I worry: about balancing my roles as mother and wife with my career as a doctor. that i'll disappoint my kids sometimes. it's the kind of job where you can't always drop it and say "i choose my family". someone might lose their life.
I am not: as outgoing as I feel sometimes. not sure why...
I remember: what it was like to fall in love so many years ago, because i still feel it every day
I believe: that God is behind our marriage 100%
I dance: at the bar with my friends, or with ben
I sing: alone in the car
I don't always: remember the events on my calendar. which is why i keep three calendars, so i can always access one of them!
I argue: because i miss him and i want to hoard all his time for myself. but i know i can't.
I write: well. it's gotten me very far in life.
I win: when i finally marry ben in may :) I WIN!
I lose: not much. i'm usually the one to find things.
I wish: that i had more freedom to have kids when i want to, rather than being forced to wait until it fits into my educational/career timeline
I listen: to my ipod a lot. sometimes all day, when i need to just keep to myself and be "alone" even though i'm at work. it's my escape.
I don't understand: John McCain, anymore. I've always had so much respect for him. I'll never understand how he could prioritize getting elected above selecting a useful, experienced VP candidate who could actually contribute to his administration.
I can usually be found: in the lab, or with ben
I watch: the world go by, every day. i try to savor little bits of beauty and little moments of peace, so that i always appreciate the life that we're given here.
I need: water, food, warmth and love. that's really all.
I forget: the arguments and disagreements and remember the feeling of his arms around me
I am happy: that i'll be joining ben's wonderful family in a few short months :)
To distract myself, I'm stealing this survey from Amberly's blog, and I'm going to fill it out. You don't have to read it if you don't want to - it's just self-therapy.
I am: a child of God
I think: that this country deserves more honest leadership, and that Barack Obama is going to win next week
I want: to be an unsually caring and comforting doctor
I have: more happiness than anyone deserves
I dislike: mustard. milk. asparagus. lies.
I miss: college. I made some of the best friends in the world, and some amazing memories
I fear: losing someone I love
I feel: an immense sense of responsibility, having been given the opportunity to become a doctor
I hear: the theme song from "Friends" - it's on TV
I smell: dinner. my dad is whipping up something to eat. i will miss this when i move out!
I crave: more time with ben. i can never get enough!
I cry: because my dad & my grammy aren't saved. and because i miss jasmine.
I usually: make too much of little things. it's something i need to work on.
I regret: not taking every opportunity to tell my family about the Lord
I search: for the courage to face death one day.
I wonder: how God will bless us next, and how He will carry us through the challenges of the next four years and beyond in our new marriage
I love: God, Ben, my family, and medicine.
I care: about the homeless, the economy, the war, better healthcare, and seeing washington change. and i truly, deeply believe that only one of these candidates can hack it.
I always: say I love you before i leave whoever i'm with
I worry: about balancing my roles as mother and wife with my career as a doctor. that i'll disappoint my kids sometimes. it's the kind of job where you can't always drop it and say "i choose my family". someone might lose their life.
I am not: as outgoing as I feel sometimes. not sure why...
I remember: what it was like to fall in love so many years ago, because i still feel it every day
I believe: that God is behind our marriage 100%
I dance: at the bar with my friends, or with ben
I sing: alone in the car
I don't always: remember the events on my calendar. which is why i keep three calendars, so i can always access one of them!
I argue: because i miss him and i want to hoard all his time for myself. but i know i can't.
I write: well. it's gotten me very far in life.
I win: when i finally marry ben in may :) I WIN!
I lose: not much. i'm usually the one to find things.
I wish: that i had more freedom to have kids when i want to, rather than being forced to wait until it fits into my educational/career timeline
I listen: to my ipod a lot. sometimes all day, when i need to just keep to myself and be "alone" even though i'm at work. it's my escape.
I don't understand: John McCain, anymore. I've always had so much respect for him. I'll never understand how he could prioritize getting elected above selecting a useful, experienced VP candidate who could actually contribute to his administration.
I can usually be found: in the lab, or with ben
I watch: the world go by, every day. i try to savor little bits of beauty and little moments of peace, so that i always appreciate the life that we're given here.
I need: water, food, warmth and love. that's really all.
I forget: the arguments and disagreements and remember the feeling of his arms around me
I am happy: that i'll be joining ben's wonderful family in a few short months :)
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