I need to vent

My dog died today :'( My sweet, beloved Jasmine. My very first pet, that my mom and I had to beg my dad for over the course of many weeks, months and years. She was in relatively good health for being 15 1/2 years old - just some weakness in her hind end and gradual vision and hearing loss. Standard for a dog that old. But last night, she apparently had some sort of neurological episode. She may have had a stroke, but my mom looked up her symptoms online and it looks more like a brain tumor that finally began producing symptoms. She started throwing up all over the place and her eyes were bouncing back and forth and she lost the use of her legs. She eventually stopped throwing up, but her eyes kept moving back and forth in her head all night and all morning, and she could only hold herself up on her front legs for a few seconds at a time. She hadn't eaten in a day and a half and she was refusing water, which was a sure sign that she knew she was dying - Jasmine normally drinks water like it's going out of style. My mom took her to the vet this morning to be put to sleep. Apparently the first shot (a sedative that they give before the lethal shot) stopped the eye movements, so she could actually make eye contact, which made my mom feel better. She said that Jasmine gave her one last kiss before they gave her the lethal shot. How heartbreaking is that? So it was a pretty sad day for me.

To distract myself, I'm stealing this survey from Amberly's blog, and I'm going to fill it out. You don't have to read it if you don't want to - it's just self-therapy.

I am: a child of God

I think: that this country deserves more honest leadership, and that Barack Obama is going to win next week

I want: to be an unsually caring and comforting doctor

I have: more happiness than anyone deserves

I dislike: mustard. milk. asparagus. lies.

I miss: college. I made some of the best friends in the world, and some amazing memories

I fear: losing someone I love

I feel: an immense sense of responsibility, having been given the opportunity to become a doctor

I hear: the theme song from "Friends" - it's on TV

I smell: dinner. my dad is whipping up something to eat. i will miss this when i move out!

I crave: more time with ben. i can never get enough!

I cry: because my dad & my grammy aren't saved. and because i miss jasmine.

I usually: make too much of little things. it's something i need to work on.

I regret: not taking every opportunity to tell my family about the Lord

I search: for the courage to face death one day.

I wonder: how God will bless us next, and how He will carry us through the challenges of the next four years and beyond in our new marriage

I love: God, Ben, my family, and medicine.

I care: about the homeless, the economy, the war, better healthcare, and seeing washington change. and i truly, deeply believe that only one of these candidates can hack it.

I always: say I love you before i leave whoever i'm with

I worry: about balancing my roles as mother and wife with my career as a doctor. that i'll disappoint my kids sometimes. it's the kind of job where you can't always drop it and say "i choose my family". someone might lose their life.

I am not: as outgoing as I feel sometimes. not sure why...

I remember: what it was like to fall in love so many years ago, because i still feel it every day

I believe: that God is behind our marriage 100%

I dance: at the bar with my friends, or with ben

I sing: alone in the car

I don't always: remember the events on my calendar. which is why i keep three calendars, so i can always access one of them!

I argue: because i miss him and i want to hoard all his time for myself. but i know i can't.

I write: well. it's gotten me very far in life.

I win: when i finally marry ben in may :) I WIN!

I lose: not much. i'm usually the one to find things.

I wish: that i had more freedom to have kids when i want to, rather than being forced to wait until it fits into my educational/career timeline

I listen: to my ipod a lot. sometimes all day, when i need to just keep to myself and be "alone" even though i'm at work. it's my escape.

I don't understand: John McCain, anymore. I've always had so much respect for him. I'll never understand how he could prioritize getting elected above selecting a useful, experienced VP candidate who could actually contribute to his administration.

I can usually be found: in the lab, or with ben

I watch: the world go by, every day. i try to savor little bits of beauty and little moments of peace, so that i always appreciate the life that we're given here.

I need: water, food, warmth and love. that's really all.

I forget: the arguments and disagreements and remember the feeling of his arms around me

I am happy: that i'll be joining ben's wonderful family in a few short months :)