Thankful... pre-Christmas Edition

Tonight, I just wanted to post a quick blurb about the things I'm thankful for (again), because I've just been reminded of several things today.

• I have a new niece coming into the world ANY MINUTE NOW. Not only is that super-exciting for someone like me, who just gets super-excited about babies, but it's a reminder of the MIRACLE that is conception and birth. Being in medical school CONSTANTLY reminds you of all the things that can go wrong - it truly is nothing short of a miracle that everything goes RIGHT so often. For me, the study of the natural sciences has been like a window into the mind of God, and a constant reminder that random happenstance simply is NOT enough to account for the glory of this creation in which we live.

• I have A SECOND new niece coming into the world in a few short months, which is another beatiful miracle waiting to happening (happening as we speak, in fact). And beyond that, these two precious little girls will always have each other, and the example of their mommies who are so close with each other. It's such a beautiful, not to mention ADORABLE scenario for two little girls to be born into. There are so many children who are born into such horrendous circumstances, and I'm just so blessed to watch the children in my family grow and thrive the way that they do.

• Over the past 6 months since I married my sweet husband, I have suddenly become so acutely aware of the way that his sisters have become my own. I've considered them "my sisters" for a long time - Ben and I have been together for 9 1/2 years now (today, in fact!) and they took me in as their own from very early on - but recently something has happened that sent me from "sisters" to sisters. No quotes. I don't know what it's like to actually have siblings, because I never did. But as best I know how, I love these girls as if they were my own sisters - because quite frankly THEY ARE. If anything ever happened between Ben and I, it simply would have NO bearing on the way I feel about them and the amount of time I spend thinking of them, talking to them, praying for them... they are my sisters. I would've KILLED for a sibling when I was growing up, and while I didn't get one then, I got something almost MORE amazing through Ben - sisters that CHOSE to be my sister. That just blows my mind, and it's something I am just so grateful for... I could never fully explain it.

• I woke up this morning to a kiss from my husband, at 4:30 in the morning as he left for work. Unpacking this little moment reveals (a) the tremendous work ethic that my husband has (he is NOT a morning person!), (b) the little things that make my days bright (like little kisses at 4:30am), (c) the fact that I'm 23 and already married to the love of my life, and never had to go searching through the heartbreak and pain that so many people endure before finding their "special someone"... I could go on. But just waking up to a husband who is on his way out the door to make a better life for me gives me goosebumps sometimes. What did I do to deserve that?

• I am currently quite toasty on this 40-degree night, sipping a nice glass of white wine, watching football on my big-screen high-def plasma TV under my cathedral cielings in my beautiful apartment with my two baby kittens wreaking havoc on my lovely christmas tree... I am so blessed with COMFORTS. I just live such a CUSHY life that it makes me wonder how I EVER complain about ANYTHING I have to do.

Anyway, I could go on but for now I just wanted to put those things down on "paper". For now I'm gonna go snuggle up in my warm bed with my warm husband (he really is a FURNACE at night) and reflect on all that I have to be thankful for :)

It's Beginning to Look a lot Like Christmas

Original post title, huh.

Anyway, I just thought I'd post some pics of our first Christmas together :) Our tree is up, our decorations are out, and we've even gotten a little bit of snow! Which is a huge improvement over last year's sorry excuse for a winter. We haven't been skiing/snowboarding in... like... 2 years! I must say that having the tree up has completely changed my study environment - it feels SO freakin' COZY in here! I just LOVE it! I'd leave it up all year long if (a) it wasn't real, and (b) it wouldn't ruin the novelty of having things feel different and special around Christmas time every year.

We did opt for a real tree this year, which actually was not a pain at all - we bought it practically across the street at Lowes (for 45 bucks - not nearly as much as I expected to pay!) and didn't have any trouble getting it inside and put up. The kittens didn't want much to do with it at first(which was actually a good thing, because now they enjoy batting at the low-lying branches and their associated ornaments - which, I might add, are shatterproof). In fact, Lewis was utterly PETRIFIED of it. He hid in our bedroom the entire first evening. He'd creep toward the doorframe, peak around the corner very slowly, catch sight of the tree in the corner and BOLT back into the room. Every time I tried to pick him up and walk him out of the room, as soon as he saw the tree even out of the corner of his eye, he'd start freaking out and leap out of my arms! It was pretty funny. We let them sleep in our bedroom that night so that Lewis wouldn't be trapped out in the rest of the apartment with the giant Christmas Monster. But miraculously, by the next morning he was sitting underneath it and batting at it. Who knows.

Our first ever Christmas tree! We've taken a little off the top since this photo, so the star doesn't stick up quite so high anymore :)

Christmas kitten! Eddie sitting behind me on the couch next to the tree. He's napping now - which would be a much cuter picture but you've probably seen enough pictures of Eddie napping for one lifetime!

Little Lewie, looking festive on the tree skirt!

Our first snow! It was gone by the next morning, but it was pretty while it lasted!

The kittens checking out the white stuff - they've never seen it before!

So, good times at the Bonner house (er, apartment)! We've got a busy weekend ahead filled with fun stuff. The Knapsteins are having a party for everyone who was in Sam & Todd's wedding on Friday, and a party at the Knapsteins is always a great time! Holiday Open House at Mark & Susan's on Saturday - we haven't seen their new house yet, plus Ron & Jeanne and Tom & Amy will also be there! Later that evening we're heading to my Mom & step-dad's to watch the UFC fight (Ben is WAYYYY into UFC these days, if I haven't mentioned that!). Sunday we'll be going to church and attending a 3-hour "Welcome" class - we started going to a new church a few weeks ago and we really like it so far! It's HUGE, which I've actually grown to love in a church - worshipping in a huge crowd like that is really an entirely different and amazing and moving experience. It also allows a certain amount of annonymity, as opposed to a smaller church where "everyone knows everyone". No one really notices when you miss a week, you can be as involved or uninvolved as you want to be, you don't stick out like a sore thumb when you're new or haven't been there in a while... it's really nice. Not that I want to be someone who slips in and out of church without ever saying a word to anyone or ever participating in anything, but it's so nice to be able to do whatever you need or want to do without feeling judged. Churches can feel very judgemental and gossipy (though they really should be the LAST place you'd find those things), and the smaller they get, the worse those things get. This particular church is also very contemporary (everyone is wearing Ravens jerseys and jeans on Sundays, the music is the stuff you'd hear on modern Christian radio, everything is all high-tech) which is obviously appealing to us "younger generation" folk. It's about 15 minutes up 95 from us which is quite convenient, AND they have a 9:50 service which isn't too early to get up for, but still puts us out by 11 - it feels like we still have the whole day ahead of us to get done whatever we need to do! And most importantly, we are so far very impressed with the messages and with the Pastor - it's all very applicable to life and REAL, and in line with my own theological beliefs. My godparents and my uncle and his wife go there too, which is nice. We don't see them that often since it's so big, but it's nice to have someone to meet up with or to help us get plugged into things we're interested in. So anyway, we're definitely making it our "church home".

Well, I suppose that's all I have to say for now! I'll get back to watching Old School with my husband :)

"Why did you let him do that?!?!"

Random topic of the week: How is it that women claim to "let" or "not let" their husbands/boyfriends do X, Y or Z?

This just came to me a few minutes ago as I was thinking about our engagement pictures. Many people have asked me "Why did you LET him grow that beard"? In fact, people ask me similar questions about a lot of things regarding my husband's behavior. He's a wild man, to say the least. "Why did you LET him get a snake?" "Why did you LET him bring his snake with you when you got married?" etc. etc. My question to those people is always, "what was I supposed to do?". Now, that may make me sound pitiful or powerless or something, but that's not how I feel at all. And let me add that if you've ever asked me a question like this in a joking manner, this rant is NOT directed at you - it really isn't. But people have seriously questioned me like this, and that's what disturbs me.

Anyway, my REAL question to those people is, "What was I supposed to do? Withhold sex? Stop cooking? Give him some sort of death-stare? Make demands? Yell and cry? etc. etc." Let's look at this realistically. Any one of those options is ultimately going to end badly, no matter how you slice it. Whether it takes years for the resentment to build (in the case of death-stares or withholding things) or the result is more immediate (yelling and crying and making demands is almost invariably going to lead to a sizable argument, or it will cause him to suppress his feelings to keep the peace, which will also build over time), you're leading yourself into a very negative scenario. No matter how you look at it, you're wielding your "wifely powers" over your husband, the person you're supposed to love and nurture as long as you both shall live, to get your way. You're threatening to remove the peace from his home life (by making it clear that you're going to BE angry and STAY angry), withhold the physical love that he can ONLY get from YOU, withhold the loving gestures of caring that you've promised him (like cooking for him or whatever else)... and over what?

This is where picking battles comes in. If I'm faced with a situation where I'd like to "not allow" him to do something he wants to do, I'd better be VERY SURE that it's worth it. And in my humble opinion, there is VERY LITTLE in this world that would really drive me to do that to our relationship. A snake in a cage upstairs out of my sight most of the time? Not worth it. A beard on his face? Who gives a crap. And there are so many other things that people have commented on to me... "I'd never "let" my (husband/wife) do that" or "buy that" or whatever. Short of something that's going to bankrupt us or injure someone, or be morally incompatible with our beliefs, what is really worth it?

I married a wild man. He is strong-willed. He is stubborn. He quite often gets himeslf into a one-track frame of mind. He says and does crazy things that many other people would be far too embarassed to do or say (I guess I'm trying to say... he has no shame!). He quite often acts like an over-grown kid. But because he is also such a GOOD person inside his heart, those traits make him an incredible husband. He's strong-willed and stubborn about doing the dishes - he will physically pick me up and carry me away from the sink if I try to do them after I've cooked for him. He has a serious one-track mind when it comes to women - he has been a one-woman-man for 9 1/2 of the most formative years of his life, when temptation was at its highest and the world was telling him he was crazy for sticking with me. He also has a one-track mind about work - despite being the exact opposite of a "morning person", he will get up at 4:30am to go in to work early and make overtime money to provide for us - without my prompting and without a single complaint. The crazy things he says and does can make ANYONE ANYWHERE laugh til they cry no matter what kind of day they're having and no matter how brief the encounter may be. Because he's still SUCH a fun-loving kid at heart, his children are going to absolutely ADORE him - his nieces and nephews already do.

So while those traits can be negative at times, they are such an integral part of who he is and why I love him so much - I wouldn't be doing a very good job of loving him if I tried to beat them out of him. 25 years from now, I'd wake up and realize I was married to someone else entirely, and our relationship would have grown completely cold. And I quite honestly can't remember in our 9 1/2 years a single time where he tried to disallow me to do anything. Ever. I may not always see the value in whatever it is that he wants to do or buy or whatever, but I don't HAVE TO. This isn't about what I want and what I understand and what I deem to be valuable or worthwhile. First of all, marriage is a partnership that is supposed to be life-long, and it will never last a lifetime if one partner feels completely stifled and unable to have or do the things that make him or her happy. And second of all, like this fact or not, God requires me as a Christian woman to allow my husband to be the head of our household. That doesn't mean he gets free reign to do whatever he pleases, because it's still a partnership, but it means that at the end of the day, when we've hashed it all out and we're still at an impasse, I will step aside and let my husband lead us in the direction that he believes is best, no matter how piddly the issue may seem. I will TRUST HIM to do that, because I TRUST GOD to lead my husband in his God-given role.

So, on that note, rant complete. I hope it will be valuable to someone other than myself, but even if it isn't, it helps me to remind myself of that every so often.

Thankful

This isn't a rambling post, this is a post with a purpose. I just want to take a moment to express somewhere in writing all the things that I'm thankful for this season. It's for my own benefit really (and inspired by my thankful sister-in-law Emily) - I hope I'll refer back to it on occasion throughout the holidays and remind myself of all that I've been blessed with. So, here goes (in no particular order)...

• My happy marriage and my selfless husband (who is doing the dishes as we speak). And the fact that he supports my commitment to becoming a doctor and all of the extra work that entails for him in providing for our life together.
• My warm, well-decorated, SAFE apartment. I still don't know how we pay the rent every month, but somehow it always works out.
• The fact that "it always works out".
• My healthy, happy, adorable kittens. A small thing, but being a woman of child-bearing age who can't have children at the moment, I simply love to love them and care for them :)
• Growing up with the most loving, supportive family a kid could ask for, who always did their best to afford me every opportunity under the sun.
• The health and overall happiness of my family.
• The most loving, accepting in-law family a girl could ask for!
• Two healthy babies that are about to join our family - baby girl Villard due 12/27 and baby (???... we'll find out Friday!) Beck due 4/19.
• The fact that I was born in the richest, free-est country on the planet. I could just as easily have been born in an aluminum hut in Africa, and I never would've known the comforts that I enjoy daily.
• Having had 18 years with my wonderful great-grandmother. Most people can't say that.
• All of the PEOPLE in my life who have made my experience what it is, from friends and family to pastors, coaches, teachers, doctors, even the vendors from our wedding! It's the people you interact with and the relationships you cultivate that make your life feel "full", and I've been blessed with some WONDERFUL people in my life.
• Last but not least, I am so thankful for this incredible opportunity to become a doctor. This is no small thing, and I try to remind myself frequently what a privelage it truly is to be trusted with human lives. Blows my mind.

I hope that no matter what is going on in your life today, you can stop and take a moment to recount all of the many ways in which you too have been blessed in this life. I've certainly caught myself, on MORE THAN ONE occasion, complaining to God in my head and asking "why me?" about some petty thing that's bothering me, and counting blessings has always proven (time and time again) to be the best remedy. Give it a try. You won't be able to feel sorry for yourself for very long!

Happy Thanksgiving :)

All Grown Up

I feel so grown up now... we have two "nice" cars! This weekend was almost completely monopolized by the car purchase, but it's finally taken care of and we brought the Accord home yesterday :) AND it just so happens that Ben's friend Ray sold his truck on Saturday, so he's buying the Cavalier today! Perfect timing! So that really helped out - it took care of the tax, tags and title on the Accord plus some. We went out to Taneytown Tag & Title (aka the Nationwide Insurance office of Taneytown... weird) and met Tom after work yesterday to sign the title, pay our tax and get Maryland tags for the Accord, and then we had to drive Tom home because his wife Amy couldn't leave work in time to go with him, so we hung out and had dinner with them at their house in Fairfield, PA. So, you know, it was only an hour and a half drive home. But it was worth it of course.

Ben is very happy with his new wheels, and I am very happy with mine :) Although now I feel like he drives the mom-car and I drive the hard-ass car - I'm in the V8 Jeep SUV and he's in the 4-cylinder Honda sedan! But he's SO thrilled to be driving a manual again, he doesn't really care if he drives a car that would look better with a car seat in the back. Heheeheeeee... it's all part of my evil plan to make him a dad ;) But anyway, it is VERY nice and comfortable inside - it's fully loaded with leather and heated seats and a nice stereo and all that, and it's been kept completely immaculate (Tom bought it new, and he's quite compulsive about keeping things clean and well-maintained) so it really is a very NICE car. I'd love to be driving it, but I'm just not that into driving a stick. I don't need something extra to focus on while driving... I just want to put it in drive and go. Ben says it's very easy to drive so hopefully I won't have any problems physically operating the vehicle when it's necessary, but I'm pretty certain I don't want to make it my every-day driver. I think Ben is torn between wanting to drive the stick and wanting to have the V8 power, so he probably wouldn't care if I did decide I wanted to drive the Accord. At the end of the day, I don't really care about what I drive - I've been driving a piece of junk since I was 16 and it never bothered me (although when I first got it, boy did I love that thing!). I know Ben cares more about what he's driving, so I don't mind letting him be the one to be picky about his car. HOWEVER, when I finally get my first paycheck as an attending physician, guess who's bee-lining straight to the Lexus dealer to pick out her RX330?!?! Or WHATEVER car she darn well pleases?!?! That's right - THIS GIRL. But for these next 7 or 8 years, let's just hope these two cars hold out for us :)

Update

Quick update on the auto-saga...

Apparently the credit union doesn't think we make enough money for TWO auto loans (HA... they don't have to tell ME that!), so we had to get my dad to co-sign. Soooo we're waiting on approval again til tomorrow. HOWEVER, the good news is that Tom is NOT trading it in, so we're definitely buying it as long as it passes inspection on Monday. Which shouldn't be a problem since he just had a bunch of maintenance work done and it's only 4 years old anyway. So all that's left is the official loan approval, the official inspection-passage, and a bunch of running back and forth with checks and titles and tags and such.

Don't you love how I air all my personal financial information on the internet? That's how bored I am.

Another new car...

This is your sign that I suddenly have far more free time than any medical student should have - I've updated my blog layout :) I really do have stuff to do, but it seems so trivial and unnecessary that I'm having a hard time actually doing it. Especially when TLC is playing two episodes of "Say Yes to the Dress" this hour (my newest television addiction). It's stuff that I could probably write the answer key for, but I feel like I should do it for the sake of saying I did it. And that's not because I'm super-smart or something, it's just because this course is designed to catch up the people who have never had a biochem or advanced genetics course in their life, and I spent the last two years of college taking advanced biochemistry and genetics courses and doing genetics research because of my major. So I'm finally getting some return on the course work I did in undergrad that wasn't necessary for admission to medical school - HA! I win! My fear is that I won't take it seriously enough and come test time, I'll be S.O.L. So that's why I'm trying to keep up with the work, even if it doesn't seem necessary.

As a quick aside, is anyone else getting really tired of the fact that EVERY family with more than 6 children now has a reality TV show?!?! Holy crap. Table for 12. Jon & Kate + 8. 18 Kids and Counting. Has anyone considered the CHILDREN?!?! Ugh I find it incredibly irresponsible and irritating. Almost despicable.

Mooooooooving on. We went to the credit union this morning and applied for another auto loan. We're in the process of trying to replace my Cavalier, as I mentioned before. We were trying to wait til we could pay off one of Ben's tool bills, but we got a call from Tom (the owner of the Accord) yesterday saying they had found the car they wanted to buy and were going to go to the dealership tomorrow (which is now TODAY) to see what kind of trade-in deal they could get on the Accord. Hmm. Note sure why they're suddenly trying to trade it in, because we thought we were very clear about our intent to buy it after they offered to sell it to us, but apparently they now want to see if they can get more for it at the dealership :( So we decided to go ahead and go for the loan approval so that we can make it as simple and smooth a process for them as possible to encourage them to sell it to us (as opposed to them coming to us and saying "the dealership is ready to take it now, they'll give us a few hundred more dollars for it..." etc., and then we have to say "wait wait, let us try and get the loan, hang on for a few more days...").

So, we're waiting to hear back on the approval, which should come thorugh before the end of the day today. IF we get approved, that is. We already have one auto loan through them, and we're only operating on one income, so I'm a little nervous about it. And of course, at the end of the day we may not even be getting the Accord if Tom decides to trade it in. Which, I won't lie, would be a little upsetting after we've spent the past few weeks talking to him about it and trying to figure out the details so we could buy it. We've got a buyer lined up for the Cavalier (Ben's friend Ray) to help us pay for the Accord, we've got the loan process rolling... it's gonna be a giant let-down if this doesn't work out. Especially for Ben. We fought about doing this in the beginning - I really didn't want to replace the car yet and he really didn't want to let the Accord deal pass us by - and we finally found a common ground on it and started working on making it happen, only to be shot down at the last second? I hope not. After the experience we had with the Jeep we just bought, I really don't feel super-psyched to go out and try to buy another used car from someone we don't know. In the end, it's just such a crap shoot - you just never know what they're hiding from you. It's sad to have to be so skeptical and cynical, but with car sales, I guess that's just being realistic. I'm about to go buy a brand new cheap car - some kind of Kia or something - just to have a warranty and someone to take it back to when shi* ain't right! Ugh.

So stay tuned for an update, hopefully later today, on the new car saga.