I think I'm finally reaching the point that everyone warned me about, and I think it's FAR too early in the process for me to be here. Today, January 29th, is the official 4-month mark. Does this mean I have 4 months of teetering on the edge of insanity to look forward to? Does this mean that I have four months to actually fall over the edge INTO insanity? Doesn't that seem a little too probable? I mean, 120 days is a lot of days. I figure right now my chance of dropping off the edge is about 20% - each day when I wake up in the morning, there's a 1 in 5 chance that I'll completely lose it. That means that, of the 120 days left, 24 of them will probably be "nearing the edge" days. Flirting with the edge 24 times, I'd put my own money on the fact that I'll fall at some point. Call it what you will... falling over the edge, going "bakatatti" as my mother would say, going batty, losing it... whatever the colloquialism, it all spells doom for me.
EVERY DAY I find something to get nervous about. EVERY DAY. One day it's my gown, then it's the photography, or the size of the guest list, or someone making a scene after "tii-many martooni's" at the open bar, or the price of the tuxedos, or OMG what if it RAINS?!?!, or if I can afford to buy a veil and shoes and pretty flip flops and jewelry (which I didn't include in the budget, like an idiot), or if my pastor will be ordained by the wedding date (that's legitimate actually), or whether we can find dates for parties that ALL of my bridesmaids can attend, or if I'll actually be looking good for the wedding after all this working out... This is all SOOOOO STUUUPID!!! At least I can still see that - maybe I'm not as close to the edge as I think I am. My mom tells me not to worry, my dad rolls his eyes, Ben just completely doesn't understand what it is I'm worried about most of the time because it's something insignificant in his eyes... Em usually listens to me and sympathizes and tells me it's all going to be beautiful, which helps :) But, nonetheless, I wake up the next day with something else to obsess about. I think I need a massage or a hypnotist or something. I literally get OBSESSIVE about these things! I google them all day at work, I write e-mails and then stare at my inbox waiting for someone to reply... it's like I NEED to worry about things. What I NEED is a vacation!
I think I might be clinically obsessive about this wedding. I have GOT to find myself a diversion. Applying to medical school was helpful, but that's all but over now, and I'm at a loss. I guess when we start looking for a new place (in March) I'll have something else to worry about, and then we'll be painting and decorating and moving and shopping. I know work (like, WORK work) is going to pick up for me soon too, which *hopefully* will keep my mind occupied during the day. I'm also hoping that admitting this out loud will shame my subconscious into chilling the f*** OUT, before this gets out of hand and everyone starts truly believing that I've lost my ever-lovin' mind. THAT would be embarrassing...
Jen... everything is going to be FINE =). Your wedding is going to be nothing less then THE PARTY OF THE CENTURY! And when everything goes off without a hitch, you'll be like damn i dont know why i was so worried! IT WILL all fall into place you'll see. But.. all that said, I think every bride goes through all the "what ifs" and you're still at a point where things can be changed so maybe thats why you're stressing much more now then you would closer to the wedding when you're at a point of no return with the plans. So MAYBE, just MAYBE, as it gets closer, you'll feel better. I am praying for you, Ben, your mom and all of your sanity in this matter! Love Ya =)
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