Can't think of a good title, sorry :)

First of all, Congratulations to Andrew & Laura Cooke on the arrival of their new baby girl, Molly Rose :) I can't wait for pictures!

All these babies lately really have me thinking. I know I've said this before, but there are times when all I want to do with my life is be a mom. Sometimes I seriously wonder if God places those thoughts in my head because I should really be taking them seriously. Or maybe they're satan's attempt to de-rail me from God's plan for my life. Lately I feel like I'm making an extra EFFORT to be tuned-in to what God is trying to say to me, but I don't feel like I'm making any progress. It probably has a lot to do with the fact that, while I'm trying harder in my personal life at home, I haven't been in church a whole lot. Worshipping in a big group really is the best way to feel connected, both to the family of God and to God Himself. Right now, obviously, it's church-time and I'm blogging. Ben was REALLY tired this morning when we first woke up so we decided to sleep in. He worked 5-10am yesterday, which made it 6 days in a row that he had gotten up at 4am (or earlier), and we were up til after midnight last night. He does work so hard, and I know he's really tired. And since I'm not exactly a huge fan of the church that we go to here at home, for a variety of personal reasons, I don't get too upset when he doesn't want to go. I'm a serious enabler in that regard.

It is a highly conservative church, and VERY openly so, with a my-way-or-the-highway sort of pastor who doesn't seem to get that there are good Christians all across the political spectrum. I don't need my political beliefs to be validated at my church - I really don't - but it makes it hard to feel at home and comfortable and like I really belong when my beliefs are openly mocked, often in hurtful ways. I just don't think that the pulpit should be a political soapbox. It's so hard to worship authentically and serve God willingly through a church that makes you feel like you're not even a "real" christian, much less a "real" member who is valued at all. When I e-mailed my pastor about my concerns (in a very respectful manner of course), and got no response (it's been at least 3 months), I sorta gave up hope of ever feeling good about the place again. My mom left that church a long time ago, and I love the church she goes to now, but it's 40 minutes away, and Ben always wants to go where HIS mom goes. And I understand that, but it would be nice if we could go where MY mom goes sometimes too. The pastor who is marrying us is from the church my mom goes to - it would be nice if we'd show our faces there every once in a while! I've been meaning to ask him if we could switch off every other week, but since we haven't even been going to church at all lately, it just hasn't come up. I think he'll be amenable to that.

Anyway, I'll just go ahead and move on. If I tried to talk about my future and children, I'd just be rambling because I really don't even know what's going on in my own mind when it comes to all that. I just know that waiting until my career is under control is a LONG wait, and that the unknown effects of an intense career on my relationship with my kids really scares me. Being a stay at home mom would make it FAR easier to have a close, involved relationship with my kids. I'm not saying that being a stay at home mom is easy by any stretch of the imagination, just that it makes spending time with the kids much easier, because it's what you do. And there's no reason why I can't have a great relationship with my kids and still work. There's also no reason why I have to let my career take over my life just because other doctors do. You can let your career tatke over your life in ANY field if you want it to. This makes me think that it's quite possible that satan is just using something seemingly innocent and virtuous (wanting to stay home and take care of my kids) to tempt me away from what God wants me to do with my life. I have a hard time believing that He brought me this far just to have me walk away from medical school. But then again, what do I know. I'm not God, and I haven't even been going to church! Ugh. Alright so I rambled anyway.

Ben's dad is doing much better. We're starting to think that he's going to be OK with just a few visits per week (rather than every day), which is very good news. It was a lot of work there for a little while, and a lot of stress and worry, but things seem to be smoothing out just the way we had hoped. He may still get upset when he finds out that he won't be getting daily visits forever, but he'll adjust just like he's been doing. He likes his independence anyway. He's been getting in-home physical and occupational therapy also, which I know he resents (strangers snooping around his house, you know), but I think it's helping him with keeping some semblance of a routine - he has a calendar with appointments that he needs to be ready for. It's something small, but I think it helps. Ben and his sisters went to Glen Burnie on Friday and gave his old apartment a thorough cleaning - I don't even want to think about the kinds of things they found - but thank God that's over with. He's completely moved out and we never have to go back to that apartment! There's more to be unpacked at his new apartment now that they cleaned out what was left at the old one, but I think they're going to try to take care of that today.

In the meantime, weather permitting, I'm going shopping with Ben's mom and my Grandmother for dresses for the wedding today :) Should be a good time. I'm just afraid they'll get scared because it's supposed to snow later. We've been trying to do this for weeks now and it just keeps getting pushed back, and I'd REALLY like to go today!!! I'll post again later with wedding-related updates. For now, I need to get in the shower in the hopes that we'll be going shopping in an hour. But just to give you a preview... Turf Valley tasting... bridesmaids' dresses came in... booking the rehearsal dinner... lots going on!!!