July 15th

Tomorrow is another "big day" in our sweet little life. We'll be visiting the Johns Hopkins Maternal-Fetal Medicine Department (again) for the follow-up sonogram for our baby boy's kidney. I'm so excited to get to see him again, but I'm also feeling very anxious about the outcome. I know that our God is big enough to heal our baby, and I know that we (and so many of our friends and family, and their friends and family!) have been praying faithfully for this miracle every day for 6 weeks. But I also know that sometimes God's will for our lives doesn't include a "yes" for every prayer that we pray. He sees the big picture that we can't see, and sometimes there is a greater purpose that requires us to endure some difficult circumstances in our lives.

On the one hand, I want to go into this sonogram 100% confident that we're going to see two completely normal, healthy kidneys. I want to be bold in my faith. On the other hand, I want to prepare myself for the possibility that we may not get the immediate answer that we've been praying for. I don't want to leave the hospital tomorrow angry with God. I know darn well that anger is not the appropriate response, but I'm only human, and I'm a mother desperate to give my sweet, innocent child the best possible start in life. I don't want him to be limited in any way. I want him to have everything, but most importantly I want him to have a perfectly healthy body. I'm so desperate to find a way to give him these things, but I can't. Because I'm only human. And so my only choice has been to call upon the power of the Holy Spirit that lives in me and the power of my faith to heal my son. I've put all my eggs in this basket, and I know that it'll be a huge blow if the answer is "no". I really don't want to be angry, but just thinking about it makes me angry. What has he done to deserve any of this? Sure, I deserve all of it, but he's still innocent and blameless and he doesn't deserve any of it.

I say all that to say that we need some prayer tonight. Please continue to pray for healing for our son. Even if tomorrow isn't the day that God chooses to reveal a miracle, that doesn't mean that it won't ever happen. And please pray for Ben and I - that God will prepare our hearts for whatever is to come. Thank you all for your love and support, and most of all your PRAYERS! It feels pretty amazing to know that we have such an incredible network of people to rely on :-)