At four and a half months in, the countdown has already begun. Who are we kidding... I've been acutely aware of that ticking clock ever since he was born. At one month I thought, "I can't believe he's already a month old! Oh my gosh, I only have 9 months left." At two months I thought, "Oh my gosh, where does the time go - two months old! Ugh... only 8 months left." It's such a downer. The idea of being without him... the idea of him being without me... the idea of missing out on moments of his life... the idea of committing my time and attention to something else... it's all so overwhelming and upsetting. Throw on top of that the fact that I'm not just returning to a job (where I get to leave my work at the office) but returning to what is arguably one of the most challenging educational endeavors on the planet! I'm sure you can imagine the kinds of challenges that I'm anticipating. Just the thought of it is a lot to handle (or not handle, in my case).
I know that one day when my kids are in school and I'd otherwise be home all alone, this is the career that I want to have. I also know that staying home long-term is not a financial option for us - come August, I have to go back to school or find a job. While a B.S. in Biochemistry and Molecular Biology may sound fancy, it doesn't get you very far in the job market, and it certainly won't put me into a job that will make me happy for the long haul. Going back to school obviously puts me in a better position for the long term, and at the end of the day it is what I want. It's the short term that haunts me... the sacrifices I'm having to make in order to set myself up for longer-term happiness.
I suppose this is a universal struggle. I'm not the first person to ever be forced to come to grips with delayed gratification. I'm certainly not the first mother to have to leave her baby in order to go back to work or school. The reality is, it sucks no matter who you are. We live in a culture that all but forces women to work, and if I have to work (and I do), I know that I want to be a doctor. Getting there just hurts. I knew all of this when we made the decision to have a baby, and I was aware that we would face some truly daunting challenges. The only difference now is that the reality is creeping up on me, and it's starting to weigh on my heart. But, I'm determined to enjoy this time with my sweet little boy to the absolute fullest, and that means I have no time or energy to waste on the impending doom that awaits. So long as it's still out of sight, I will do my best to push it out of mind.
That's right. Don't spend the time you have now worrying about what it'll be like when it's over. Just make sure you spend it doing exactly what you want to do :) You know how they say, "When mama's happy, everyone's happy"? Do your family a favor and make sure when they're growing up they had a happy mama!
ReplyDeleteYou are absolutely right Jenna, 12 weeks is not enough!! I am approaching that mark next week and will return to work in just over a week. Meanwhile, Matthew isn't sleeping through the night yet which means I will be a zombie at work! People think 12 weeks sounds like a long time, but anyone whose had a baby agrees that its just too soon to return to work! I feel like we are the worst country for maternity benefits. Some countries allow mothers to be off a year or more with 80-100% pay!!
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you are able to stay home with him until he's almost a year old. They grow up so fast and that 1st year is so precious. I'm fortunate I only work 2 days a week (weekends) but I sacrifice family time and don't get to see my husband much, not to mention I miss out on so much. I guess its a small price to pay though for being home with them 5 days a week.
But you've got the right attitude, enjoy every day to the fullest and don't think about 5 months from now :)