Limping Along

Two days into this surgical rotation I'm already in desperate need of some sort of chiropractic adjustment, orthotic shoe inserts, and a week-long nap. I had forgotten how hard it is to be on your feet all day, especially while pregnant. I had a desk job the last time I was pregnant... that was nice. It doesn't help that my "good shoes" (my professional clogs) are officially too tight now that my feet have started to puff up. I also have a ROCKIN' headache right now, and I'm pretty sure that my right eyeball is about to pop out of its socket. #pregnancyproblems  *SIGH*

Then again, at least I'm still pregnant. At least my baby girl is still here :) Today was a relatively happy day... she gave me her first big "thump" from inside! I've been feeling her vaguely fluttering around in there for close to 2 weeks now, but today I got my first distinct "kick" (or punch, perhaps... tough to say!). Definitely made me smile :) It wasn't all that long ago that I was convinced that I didn't ever want to feel her move - that I was wishing for this to end before I ever got to make that connection. I remember specifically thinking about that, shortly after we found out about all of this. Once again, I'm feeling so very thankful that I've been able to move on from that place. I understand why I was there, but I'm so glad that I don't want to hide anymore.

As open and honest as I am with myself (and you all), I keep struggling with how much to tell people. I work with the same residents every day, but different attending surgeons. I can't read these people... how much is "over-sharing"? Part of me doesn't want to have to smile and lie, but part of me doesn't want to go into it. I never know what to say after people react. "Oh my gosh I'm so sorry" "...Yeah, it's hard..." Awkward silence. Sometimes I just want to wear a sign that says "My baby isn't going to make it" so that people won't congratulate me or ask about her or make any mention of the fact that I'm pregnant. And it's not because I don't want to remember that I'm pregnant... I think about her all day every day, and I'm happy to be thinking about her. I just don't like the awkward conversations, and constantly trying to decide how much to share. I really don't have a hard time sharing or talking about this stuff myself. It's just that I can sense the tension and discomfort in others when I'm telling them about it in person, and that's what makes it uncomfortable for me. I know that they're uncomfortable and they don't know what to say. I thought I'd be avoiding the subject because it would be too painful for me, but I'm realizing that I find myself avoiding the subject to spare others the awkwardness. Most of the time it's just easier to smile and pretend everything is fine.

Then again, sometimes I (selfishly) want people to understand just how tough I am. I want them to know what's going on inside of me, so that they get just how hard it is for me to be standing in front of them in that moment, present and participating and acting like I give a crap about anything else beyond the confines of my uterus. To be honest, most of the time it isn't as hard as I thought it would be, because being there is in itself a distraction that helps me to cope and to keep on moving. But in the difficult moments, when the reality of this situation is at the forefront of my mind and no amount of distraction seems to shake it, I want people to get it. I want some credit. It's dumb, but it's how I feel. I'm not just another med student plugging along, desperately trying to impress someone, working hard for that "A". I'm a mother, somewhere in the process of losing her unborn baby, grieving and hurting and clinging to her sanity, limping toward a finish line she can't see. I don't want special treatment or better grades or "slack". Sometimes I just want people to see me for what I am right now.