The End of the Line

Our journey with our sweet girl has been a beautiful one. It's hard to believe how much she has taught us before even arriving in our arms. As painful as it has been at times, I wouldn't wish it away. I would wish away her triploidy and make her perfectly healthy if I could, but I wouldn't ever wish away her conception or this pregnancy or this experience. I am blessed to know her, to have been her mommy even for a short time. 

Unfortunately, our time with Gracie is growing short. As I type, we are awaiting the start of a pitocin drip to induce labor for preeclampsia. 

Our hearts are heavy and broken. We desperately hoped that it would not end this way. The decision was agonizing and painful, as I knew it would be. It will continue to hurt... I just pray that I'll be able to live with it. We had very strong recommendations from our OB and another high-risk OB. Preeclampsia is just too unpredictable, and too dangerous. We would've had to sign AMA papers to leave this place. I know that it's the right call...It just hurts. It hurts so bad.

I had developed a relatively nasty headache at work today, so I had one of the clinic triage nurses take my blood pressure. She repeated it three times and tried the other arm, but it was undeniably high - 159/109. Upon arrival at the hospital, it was 151/97. It has been up and down ever since, sometimes fine, sometimes high. The one constant has been our little girl, flipping and flopping around in there, a persistent reminder that she is still with us. My God, this hurts. How do I let her go? How is this supposed to work? 

...

Since I began writing I've now had several hours of high-dose pitocin (which, let me assure you, is no joke) and an epidural and am resting comfortably. We've had some time to visit with family, laugh a little and cry a little. I have an incredible nurse who is taking exceptionally good care of me, and my own OB happens to be on all night tonight. All is as well as it can be for the time being. 

We're going to get some rest for now. Goodnight, friends. Please say many extra prayers for us as we set about doing this very hard thing that we just don't know how to do.