Buckle Up

...And so, we begin another chapter. 

Many weeks have passed since we learned that we were once again expecting a new baby. I have spent many weeks containing both joy and fear, worry and excitement. I have spent many weeks in prayer. I have spent many weeks wrestling with many mixed emotions. It was only a few months ago that another child was living inside of me. It almost feels wrong to have moved a new baby into her vacant home so quickly. That space took on a sacredness, once we learned of her diagnosis, and it almost feels as though we have violated some boundary that should not yet have been crossed. Yet at the same time, I feel a sense of peace when I consider that this new baby - Gracie's little brother/sister - is being cared for and protected and comforted in that very same space that she was, and that Eli was. They are all connected, despite the fact that our newest addition will never have known his/her big sister. It is a sacred space, because it is the space that is growing our children and expanding our family. It could never belong to only one of them, nor do I think that Gracie would want it to. I know that she sat with Jesus as they selected a beautiful new soul to send into our family, and that her blessing is with this child. It is a beautiful and heartbreaking thought.

One of my greatest fears in announcing our happy news is that people will think to themselves (though hopefully not say aloud) "Oh good, now you'll have a healthy baby and be happy!" Let's get one thing straight - there is no replacing Gracie. No "making up for" the loss of her life. There is no "moving on". I also fear that this baby, in the minds of many, will be somewhat "defined" by the loss that we experienced this year. I refuse to refer to him/her as "our rainbow baby" (which is a term used in the infant loss/stillbirth community to describe a live baby born after a loss). This is just our new baby. Another child conceived and gifted to us. Another tiny person with a clean slate that will soon be born fresh into our world. When we started trying for Gracie, we wanted to have a baby. When we lost her, that reality hadn't changed - we still wanted to have a baby, to add a living child to our family. And so we just never stopped trying. We didn't try for this new baby because we were so devastated over Gracie that we were trying to somehow "fix" our hurt. There is no "fixing" our hurt. It will never go away, no matter how many beautiful healthy children God chooses to bless us with in the future. There will always be a gaping hole in our family, so all we can do is learn to live with it and try to fill it with memories of her.

All of that said, we are truly thrilled to share this news with you all. God chose to bless us once again, and our hearts are overflowing with joy and gratitude. Of course there is even more emotion tied up in all of this, given the difficulties we have lived through this year, but this child is a blessing and a joy all on his/her own!

As a result of the chromosomal abnormality that Gracie had, we were offered a new blood test that isolates fetal DNA from the maternal circulation and is 99% accurate in identifying a variety of chromosomal anomalies. Today, on Gracie's due date (10/10/2014), we received the relieving news that the test was negative - that there is nothing fatal written into this child's chromosomal profile. God willing, we will actually be bringing a baby home in April! Of course there are a zillion-and-one other things that can go wrong, but for now we feel so blessed to have cleared this first hurdle. Next week (at 12 weeks) we will have another ultrasound to look for some other issues, like neural tube defects (spina bifida, anencephaly, etc). There is also a new maternal blood test that similarly isolates fetal DNA to test for cystic fibrosis, which as many of you may already know is a 25% possibility for each of our children, but it's typically not covered by insurance so it may be cost prohibitive. We're looking into it, but it won't be a crisis either way. We will be so overjoyed to welcome a new living child to our family... we will handle whatever else comes. To us, it's not worth the risk of an amniocentesis to find out, so if we can't do this non-invasive maternal blood test we'll just wait as we did with Eli for the results of the baby's newborn screen.

Oh, and we also know the sex of the baby, thanks to this blood test that evaluated the baby's chromosomes. You'll have to stay tuned for that, though ;-) Sorry!

In closing, we ask for your prayers for a healthy and uncomplicated pregnancy. We can't thank you all enough for your prayers and support as we work through this crazy roller coaster of a year - for carrying us through such a devastating loss, and being here to celebrate this new life with us!