Sure, we were both saved as children when we accepted Jesus and began our lifelong walk with Him. But that walk is an ever-evolving journey of growth. In order to become more like Christ we have to get to know Him, and that tends to happen in tough times. There is nothing quite like the pure, rock-bottom devastation of losing a child to inspire a person to seek His face. Whether that seeking is fueled by anger and frustration, or by a fundamental recognition of ones own inadequacy to make sense of tragedy in this life, you seek Him out. You beg for miracles, you cry out in grief, and in my experience, you ultimately break under the weight of the pain and desperately plead for peace - for the ability to "deal", for the numbing effect of His love, for the perspective it takes to see beyond the injustice and the hurt... for the soul-quieting peace that allows you to simply "be" again, even though you'll never "be" the same. And then He fulfills His promise, and delivers the very peace you need in the very moment you need it most.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
Matthew 11:28
"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall, but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
Isaiah 40:29-31
We have learned, through this loss, something that seems obvious now - that our testimonies are ever-changing. A testimony isn't just the story of "How I Got Saved". For Ben and I, those stories are rather uninspiring. Gracie's life - and the way that God revealed His profound love to us through it - have become a highlight in the stories of our walks with Christ, but in hindsight there's so much more. Allow me to focus more on Ben's story for a moment.
As our dear friend and youth Pastor Kevin described it in his sermon two Sundays ago, losing Gracie left Ben undone - broken down on His knees in awe and wonder at the power of a loving God, who could take the deepest devastation of our lives and turn it into a beautiful and life-altering experience. It brought us back to church. We needed to feel close to Him again, to worship Him as we processed this miracle that He had performed, to reconnect with other believers and share this story. But it wasn't long before we realized that we needed to make a change. We had always enjoyed the sermons and everyone was very nice, but we had never really felt connected or inspired at our church. Kevin and his wife and kids are our neighbors and they had invited us to come and try out their church, so we decided to give it a try. To put it simply, we found our new church family that Sunday. We had never before felt so moved to serve, to connect, to get involved. Before long, Ben was serving as a greeter, helping with weekly set-up, and volunteering with the students ministry. We both took on our church's challenge to read through the Bible in a year, and Ben was waking up in the 4 o'clock hour every morning to read before work. He was leading our family in prayer at dinner time every night. All of these little changes amounted to a shift in spiritual leadership in our home. I watched my husband assume his God-given role in our family.
Fast-forward to early 2015. Ben began to feel unsettled at his job. I started noticing a dramatic increase in his stress level, and he began to make comments here and there that really made me wonder whether his heart was still in his work. Sometime in early March he finally confessed that he was feeling uninspired, that he didn't want to stay where he was, that he wanted a new job that he could feel passionate about... but he had no idea what he wanted to do. I can only imagine what a terrifying feeling it is to suddenly realize at 30 years old that you have no idea what you want to do with your life, but that's where Ben found himself. In the past he had daydreamed about working at a golf course some day, when I finally make "real doctor money" and we aren't so dependent on his salary, but even golf-related work had lost its appeal. There was one thing, though... just one single light in the darkness. He said that the only thing he felt passionate about was serving his church.
We decided that evening that it was time to pray long and hard for God's guidance. It was time to start the ball rolling toward a big change. We had no idea what serving the church might look like for someone like Ben - someone with a largely mechanical and technical background, with no seminary training or biblical education. But we prayed. And we prayed. And we pondered. And we prayed. And he kept on feeling that call to ministry, and remained at a loss for any other work that might inspire him.
Then, it happened. After nearly 8 years at his job, and exactly one week after Nora was born, along with 7 other co-workers, Ben was laid off. While it wasn't exactly the order of operations that we had been planning for, it seemed as though God was forcing Ben's hand. Now he would have to make a change - he didn't have a choice. While we could clearly see that this lay-off had the potential to be a tremendous blessing, it also should have been rather terrifying. We have never had a robust "rainy day fund", mostly living paycheck-to-paycheck through medical school. We had literally just brought home a new baby. We have a mortgage. We pay for day care. Yet once again, we found ourselves feeling inexplicably peaceful in the face of what should have felt like a disaster. We began to feel excited at the prospect of a new beginning for Ben - one that was so clearly being laid out before him as part of a plan that only God could design. A plan that was not our own, but His.
If there is a single take-home point that I would hope to impress upon anyone who hears the story of Gracie's life, it would be that God's will is infinitely more perfect than our own - that only He sees the big picture of our lives, and our understanding is so limited that it is just plain silly to assume that we know better. Living in this truth is so freeing! We don't have to figure this out on our own, because the One who sees it all already knows where we're headed and how we will get there - we need only trust Him. That's it. That's all. Plain and simple.
While most people would have immediately hit the pavement, beefing up resumes and submitting job applications anywhere and everywhere, Ben found himself feeling led to simply be still. He has continued his prayerful seeking, has consulted with our pastors and with trusted friends and family, and dives daily into the scriptures and other books recommended by our pastor.
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:6-7
From the outset of all this, his "dream job" has been to serve as a staff member at our own church, but he knew that a paid position was unlikely to be an option. He went to discuss it with our lead Pastor anyway, mostly to glean some spiritual guidance and pray with him. Ben came home positively glowing that day, having been offered an unpaid opportunity to work alongside the leadership team as an intern, to learn more about what it is to serve in full-time ministry. It was exactly what he had hoped for (though he would still need to find flexible part-time work to supplement my income, which is oh-so-fortuitously - and in God's perfect timing - about to increase as I begin my residency)! Just yesterday after church, another ministry opportunity was randomly presented to him out of the blue!
God is moving in all of this, and we are so excited to see where He will lead our family. As Ben's wife, I am positively giddy at the prospect of him finding his calling. He has never worked in a position that provided the opportunity to really flex his spiritual gifts, and I know that ministry work will do exactly that. He is far and away the most gregarious, easy-to-talk-to, kind-hearted and genuine people-person I have ever met - he was made to serve others. I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to support him (as he has done for me for so many years) along a path toward a life of service to God, and the greater fulfillment, joy, self-confidence and passion that it will undoubtedly bring. It won't be an easy road, but then again, there hasn't been a whole lot of "easy" around here lately. God has strengthened our marriage relationship and our family ties so profoundly, and I can see now that maybe He has been preparing us for something big.
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