My Struggle

Well, first of all, I'm definitely sick. I stayed home today with my scratchy throat, throbbing head and aching joints. I don't forsee myself going in to work tomorrow, if for no other reason than to keep my germs to myself. I started feeling worse this evening than I did when I woke up this morning, which doesn't bode well for tomorrow morning. It's so hard to tell in the morning though. And I feel bad missing more work because I was off on Monday for a doctor's appt and I'm off this coming Monday to go downtown and see the cherry blossoms in DC for Ben's mom's birthday. I feel like I take unfair advantage of my flexible time off (or at least that other people I work with may feel that way) and it makes me feel like a slacker. I know I'm not a slacker for staying home when I'm sick, but it still feels wrong to some degree because I don't lose anything for staying home - there's no penalty. Is it mildly sick that I need punishment to feel ok about staying home when I'm sick?

Anyway, that's not why I'm blogging. Recently, I've been feeling as though I should just stop blogging. It seems like everyone else's blog, everyone else's life, is full of real world stuff that actually matters, and my blog starts to look like mindless drivel to me. People are getting sick and dying, children are being born and raised, and I'm blogging about place cards and program covers and paint schemes. When I read the blogs of the stay at home moms, I suddenly feel like my life is barreling full speed toward insignificance, because I know I won't have that with my kids. I am so inspired by these women... Laura, Amberly, Kat... I feel like they're so lucky. And I certainly don't mean to say that I think their lives are easy by any stretch of the imagination - not only is it stressful and exhausting, but it's an immense responsibility that I'm sure is quite terrifying at times. But these mothers will have a connection and a bond with their children that I'm afraid I'll never have. It really amazes me that there still exists this palpable lack of respect for stay at home moms. As I approach the big career decisions that will define the rest of my life, I find myself feeling as though I'm almost abandoning the most significant calling I have in life - I guess men just don't understand that. And I don't know what the deal is with the feminists. I don't think feminism has been a bad thing, I just think it's a little ironic that generally speaking, the feminists have chosen to assert themselves by simply adopting more male characteristics. How is that asserting one's feminism? These women see the natural female calling to motherhood as being weak or giving in or giving up. They think that acting more male - being aggressive or overly assertive or domineering - is the best way to further the female cause. I'm also not a proponent of "traditional roles" and I think it's every woman's choice what she decides to do with her life - I just hate the catch 22. If you don't stay at home, half of society sees you in a negative light and you feel guilty leaving your kids. If you do stay at home, the other half of society looks down on you. Why can't we just stop placing extra value on one choice or the other? Again, THANK YOU glorious media. We'd be better off without them, I'm convinced. I like TV just as much as the next guy, but seriously. I don't know how they live with themselves, perpetuating the stereotypes, playing up the conflicts, feeding on fear and weakness... the whole industry is MESSED UP.

Whew, that was QUITE a tangent. I'm actually a little proud of that one. But again, not why I'm blogging - though it'll do as a segue into the real point of this post... Why do I still struggle so much with my career choice? Will I always feel this way? Probably. Funny how I have "mommy guilt" about the effects that the career I haven't started yet will have on the children I don't have yet... it's gonna be a LONG road. When I really think about what my job will be like when I'm finally doing it, I'm really excited. I'll never feel like I'm not making a difference, at least on some level. Sure, it'll be incredibly frustrating at times, but it'll be pretty amazing at times too. But how often will I feel like I'm neglecting my kids and my husband? I have to keep reminding myself that, as a Christian, I have a different set of priorities. If I'm being obedient to God and seeking His will in all that I do, I won't be neglecting my family - that's not His will. People who are involved in the medical profession may think I'm naive when I say this, but I simply won't allow my career to take over my life. I just won't. That isn't an option for me. I don't care if I have to change jobs ten times to find the right balance. That's just how I feel. I mean I won't lie - having to take that attitude scares me shitless. My career would be a lot easier if I didn't have a family to worry about, but that only works if having a successful career is more important to you than having a family. Watching other people rise above me in the profession will be hard on me - I'm competitive. Being tough with my bosses about my schedule and risking my job will be scary. Having to miss my kids' soccer games will hurt. But there's so much to be gained from putting in the effort to get that balance right - because if I get it right, I can have it all. I won't have the ideal home life and I won't have the ideal work life, but I'll have something that makes me really happy.

There's a part of me that's on the verge of leaving it all behind to focus on my family. And there's a part of me that knows I'd spend the rest of my life wondering what it would've been like to follow through with all this and actually become a doctor, and actually save a life. That first part is always trying to convince me that I can always go back and do the doctor thing later (YEAH.), but the reverse isn't true - I can't try the doctor gig and switch to staying at home if it doesn't work out (not with the mountain of debt I'll be under). It's decision time - I either start med school and never look back, or I give it up, work for a while til we're financially stable (doing who knows what), and then focus on that other dream of mine. I know that seems ludicrous, after how hard I've worked to get here, but I really have entertained these thoughts seriously. Maybe every woman goes through this. It wasn't until I got engaged and the reality of family life was pulled into focus that I started truly thinking in terms of "us" (Ben and I and our unborn children) instead of "me". In college, the focus is squarely on YOU, and YOUR future, and what YOU can accomplish. It kinda breeds selfishness, actually, which doesn't really prepare anyone for the REAL world. They convince you that what YOU want really is the most important thing in YOUR life, even though as SOON as you get into a serious relationship, that becomes total baloney. That's why getting married young is so frowned upon - you don't get the chance to establish your own personal goals and get rolling on those before you let someone else come into your life with their own goals and needs and mess it all up. On the other hand, I think it's been a blessing for us that we've been together through all the goal-establishing and plan-making - we've been a part of it in each other's lives and we both understand where we're going and where we want to be, together. Being a part of someone else's dreams and goals and happiness is just as important and fulfilling a contribution to this world - in fact, you're doubling your contribution by spreading your efforts to include furthering someone else's purpose, and then the purposes of the children you bear together. God knew what He was doing when he designed the family unit. Now, Ben isn't always happy about my goals - I think it scares him more than he lets on - but I know he's trying his best to be supportive, and I know he's incredibly proud of me. He'd love nothing more than to have me at home with our kids, truth be told, but he loves me enough to put that vision aside in favor of helping me to pursue my dreams. And that makes it even more important to me that I never let my career and my goals come between me and my husband, because he doesn't let his fears come between us.

As usual, this is way longer than I originally intended. It's late, I'm sick, and you're all probably wondering, "how many times is she going to blog about this?" so I'll let you go :) Holler at 56 days til my wedding!