You know what? F THAT.

What I didn't mention in my previous post, mostly because it was getting far too long, is that this weekend was sorta rough on me, in terms of my work-family struggle. I need to come up with a cutesy nickname for that, don't I? I blog about it enough that it might warrant a fun abbreviation. Not that it's "fun", but, you know. Anyway, Saturday morning while I was waiting for Ben to get back to my house with his dad so that we could meet Em and Josh and load up for the ride out west, my Dad turned on a NOVA special that he had recorded for me - "Doctors' Diaries". NOVA started following these 7 doctors when they graduated from Harvard med school back in '87, and this was a sort of "where are they now" update episode. Without delving into a full synopsis, I'll just sum it up by saying that all 4 of the doctors who had been married were now divorced, some more than once. I think 2 of the 7 had kids. 2 never got married. Only one of the three women they had followed was married with kids, and all she could talk about was what a struggle it was. Their spouses (or ex-spouses, depending on when they were interviewed) went on and on about how they only got the left-overs of their spouse, the worst parts, all that was left after their long hours at work. How their spouses were stuck in a managing mode and treated them like they would treat their nurses or their residents. It was NOT encouraging.

Now, I'll add the caveat that these were Harvard-educated doctors - just the fact that they got INTO Harvard in the first place says something about their ambition level, and their willingness to attend such a tough school says to me that they had high career aspirations. These are people who probably planned all along for their careers to take center stage in their lives. And more importantly, I don't know anything about them in terms of their faith. My faith obviously plays an enormous role in my prioritizing, in the way I view and treat my (soon-to-be) spouse, and in the commitments that I value most (to my God, my husband and my family). But like I said, it was NOT encouraging. Then we visited with the Cookes, and Laura is definitely one of the reasons that I sometimes wish I could stay home. She's a brilliant woman who certainly could've found tons of success in any professional arena that she chose, but she chose her own path and she's just thriving and loving it. I just love reading about the fun activities she plans for her kids and the time she gets to spend with them, and even the frustrations she's gone through - it's the stuff of real life, and I just love it. So chatting with Laura, and holding the baby, and coloring with Lucy, and watching Ben hold the baby... it was rough. I spent a lot of time this weekend in my own head just pondering things.

I'm days away from sending in my loan paperwork and essentially signing my life away to this career. At least a decade or two of it, anyway. On Friday evening, I spent the end of our dinner and the entire ride home explaining to Ben why I want to do this and why I believe it's what God wants me to do, and the next day I was already thrown back into a whirlwind of doubt again. It's maddening, I tell you! But now that I've been through this cyclical high-and-low thing a few times I'm starting to get the hang of it, and I think I'm beginning to get a little bit of perspective on it all. In my calmer moments, I'm at peace about my career choice. I calmly acknowledge the fact that God is in control, and that to some degree, I too am in control of where my life is going. I don't mean to say that I have control over some areas that God doesn't have control over, just that as far as my career is concerned, I'm not locking myself into any particular lifestyle simply by choosing to become a physician. In my more panicked moments, I'm freaking out about the debt, about the unknown, about being stuck in a rat-race job that leaves me no family time, much less time to keep myself sane. It's starting to feel more and more like my "I don't want to do this" moments are the panicky ones and my "This is right" moments are the calm, peaceful ones. To me, that's a reassurance that God is trying to give me the guidance I've been praying for, by giving me peace about it, and satan is trying to throw me off by causing me to panic at the thought of it all.

So, on to the title of my post... You know what? F THAT. F the insinuation that working moms aren't great moms. F the idea that doctors are too busy for their families. F the fear that I won't be able to find a specialty that makes me happy and allows me to keep my priorities where I want them. I WILL make it work, and I WILL be an excellent mother. I don't care if I have to work part-time or job share - that doesn't bother me a bit, so long as I can pull down the salary we need to get by, and I've been reassured by many professionals woh know what they're talking about that it IS possible to do that. And maybe emergency medicine can't give me that - maybe God has something entirely different for me. I have no idea. But what I do know, at this point in time, is that I feel deep down in my bones that I am supposed to be a doctor, and I trust God with all that that entails. I trust God with my fears, with Ben's fears, with my family, with my kids, with my career, with my finances... with all of it. And to conclude, F the idea that all this makes me naive. I won't accept the idea that expecting to be able to make my own career decisions and expecting to be able to maintain control of my own life is naive. God is in control of my life, and so long as I leave Him in the driver's seat, no career is going to steer me off His path. He's got it.