Changes

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending"

-Maria Robinson

I haven't been blogging because I haven't been prepared to talk publicly about the intensely personal "stuff" I've been dealing with. And really, when you're going through something like this it's impossible to think about anything else, let alone compose a blog post about anything else. This won't come as a surprise to anyone who reads my blog regularly, (a) because it's not the first time I've revealed my feelings about all this, and (b) because I'm pretty sure that the only people who read my blog are people that have already heard all about it in person ;] But for anyone who hasn't been in the loop, here it is...

I'm taking a leave of absence from my medical studies.

See, not terribly shocking right? To be honest, I'm so tired of explaining it that I don't quite think I'm up for that right now. But like I said, if you've ever read my blog, you probably get it anyway. I've spent time consulting with current and past mentors, family, friends, my husband, school administrators, and everyone seems to be in support of my decision to take some time for myself. I need to step away from this and allow myself to thoughtfully and honestly consider whether or not medicine is the career for me.

It's been a stressful and terrifying few weeks, but I'm feeling more confident in my decision every day. My ego doesn't like the idea of letting everyone else move on and leave me "behind", nor the idea of stopping something that I started (particularly something so huge). But my heart just hasn't been in this. It's all been such a burden on my heart - not just the daily grind of medical school, but the uncertainty and anxiety and fear over my future. Is this the job I want? Is this the life I want? I've asked myself these questions countless times, and I have yet to find a way to answer them. Of course no one can be sure what the future will bring, but I need to feel like I at least WANT this - that I'm strongly driven toward medicine, that it's my dream. I just don't have that reassurance that my peers seem to have - that there's an end-goal beyond all this struggle and sacrifice that is somehow "worth it".

I had no choice but to take a full year off (the structure of my program doesn't allow me to leave for part of a year), which is probably for the best. I need time to consider and investigate my true feelings about medicine, and time to research other alternative careers - I have to do SOMETHING with my life! I don't believe, at least at this particular juncture, that my staying home will be an option for us. I also don't think that it's ultimately what I want, and believe me I've considered it. Who knows, I may end up spending some portion of my life as a SAHM. But I do know that I want to have the option of a career outside the home, and that the best course of action to ensure that is for me to stay in school NOW and train for whatever that might be. So, what now?

For the time being, I'm working on securing employment for the year - I've gotta bring home the bacon from somewhere, and my loans are going back to the federal government. My boss from my summer job at Hopkins is crunching the numbers now to see if he can take me back for the year, and I'll know about that sometime next week. I'm working on some back-up plans in the meantime, mostly involving research in other labs at Hopkins. Research is where my resume is strongest, and I need to maximize my earnings during this year and provide benefits for us if I can, so that's what I'm going after.

Once that's taken care of, next up on the ol' "to-do list" will be... what "to do" with my life! Of course continuing with medical school is one option, and I have some other ideas too that I'll save for another post. One step at a time.

I spent well over a year forcing back my deepest feelings, and refused to allow myself to even entertain the thought of turning back. As soon as I let myself really feel what I've been feeling for so long, it led me straight to where I am (and it didn't take long, either). I know that I've made the right decision for me concerning this leave. Now all that remains is to make some even more difficult decisions about where to go from here.