Happy Anniversary, Crazy.

Well, I couldn't possibly pinpoint the exact date even if I had to, but I believe it's been just about one year since I came down with "the fever". Baby Fever, that is. I've always wanted kids, but I had no idea what it really meant to want kids until "it" hit me. Whoa. I was NOT prepared. I wish it was a real "fever" - a biological illness with clear blood work markers that I could use to prove to my husband just how serious it is. Physical evidence would be helpful. All the evidence I've got is locked away inside my head, which just makes me look like a crazy person. I suppose there might be some hormonal evidence lurking in my bloodstream, but I'm pretty sure that having blood drawn to check my estrogen level as proof of some life-threatening baby fever infection would REALLY make me look like a crazy person. Oye. What's a girl to do?

There's one obvious solution, of course. But I "can't" do that right now. Or so I'm told. For a long time it's sorta been the running joke... "Awww, Jenna wants kids so bad she's losing her mind... too bad she can't right now..." But that statement is beginning to feel less like a joke and more like a challenge these days. "Oh yeah? I can't have kids right now? WATCH ME." Ben said that to me yesterday, in fact. "You know it's not a good time right now. You know we can't." Actually, yes we can. It's very simple. In fact, there's still time THIS MONTH! We could do it NOW! All we have to do is... well... "do it" ;] Sure, it might not work out the very first time. So we keep going 'til it works. That's what people do! 

I know, I sound like a crazy person right?! With all that's going on in my life, it's not the greatest time. With all that's left to be done, it's not the greatest time. Then again, as so many wise mothers before me have said, "there's never a convenient time to have kids." You're never "ready" and the timing is never "perfect". But what lays ahead in the immediate future always seems too overwhelming when you add a child to the mix, so you keep telling yourself "once that's done..."

Maybe I am nuts. And if I'm not quite certifiable just yet, I will be if this keeps up much longer. That's for sure. There's only so much a girl can take! I try to laugh it off, continuing to wait patiently for "my time". But that's getting harder and harder by the minute. It's freaking painful. It's completely impossible to explain, so I won't even bother. Just trust me, it's frickin' awful. Sometimes I wonder exactly who it is that's deciding what "my time" is. Usually it just feels like it's my life circumstances that are in control... who died and made them king of the universe?! I wish it was a real person, so I could... perhaps... STRANGLE that person. Grrrrr. Yeah, I'm nuts. Definitely nuts.