Smoked.

Well, our evening is smoked. I'm a little frustrated. Ben went up to his dad's to "help him with a few things around the apartment" this evening around 6:30, despite the fact that Amberly had already visited Frank today and taken him grocery shopping - a several hour visit. But ok, whatever, I'm thinking maybe he needed Ben to move some big things that Amberly couldn't move or something. It's after 10:00, and I'm still waiting for him to get home. Apparently his dad had him rearranging all sorts of little things, checking to see what kind of batteries his phone uses, shifting his matress... all sorts of random crap. I don't begrudge Ben going to help his dad. I really don't. But we haven't even eaten dinner yet. We had a movie night planned. I'm just frustrated. First of all, Ben has a hard time saying no to ANYONE, much less his physically handicapped father. At some point in all these shenanigans, I just wish he could've said "Dad, I'm going to be back here on Sunday. Why don't we call it quits for tonight so I can go eat some dinner and we'll take care of the rest on Sunday." He just can't do it. I'm praying and praying and praying, ALL the time, for God to grant me the patience to deal with all these little irritations, and the heart of a servant to willingly go the extra mile for Frank, and in a supporting role for Ben. I want to be caring and considerate, but I'm a work in progress - God isn't finished with me yet.

I'm EXCITED.

I'd just like to take a moment to reflect on how freaking EXCITED I am. I am getting married in 98 days. MARRIED. To the love of my life. I get to have parties thrown in my honor, wear a gorgeous dress and have everyone "ooo" and "ahh" over me, and go on a sweet week-long vacation, and move in with my love, and never go to bed without him again! That's A LOT of excitement to cram into 98 days. And I am most definitely one of those people who has been very anxiously looking forward to wedding planning for a LONG time, so this whole thing is just incredibly surreal and fun and exciting for me. The stress of it really doesn't bother me - I'd never trade it for anything else! I comment on things getting crazy or whatever, but the truth is, I LOVE IT! I'm SO anxious for my wedding day, but I'll be so sad to let go of this time in my life. I'm not only closing a big chapter in terms of moving out of my parents' house and literally joining my life to someone else's, but I'm leaving behind a lifetime's-worth of anticipation for this day. After May 29th, it'll all be over. I'll never look forward to planning a wedding again. That's a good thing, but it's a bit of a bitter-sweet reality for me. I'm really trying to savor this experience, whatever it throws at me.

I will say though, that in these 7 months, I've done more spiritual growing than ever before in my life. When you really take marriage seriously, it's a sobering, humbling experience. I think about the blessing that God has given me, not only in Ben himself but in his entire family. I think about the immense responsibility of being a spouse - holding another person's life in your hands, and being jointly responsible for what comes of it. Of being that person's ONLY love, forever. Of being the person that this person will lean on, rely on, cry on, laugh with... It's just the two of us, from now on. Of course we have family and friends that we will always be very close with, but there will always be something completely different between the two of us that no one else knows or understands. I think about the gifts that God gives us through marriage - the endless opportunities to grow spiritually and become more like Christ through learning to serve your spouse and truly put their needs before yours, the gift of literally participating in the divine act of creation through having children, the gift of lifelong comfort and partnership and reassurance, and even the gifts He gives us in the bedroom, when we're expressing physical love in the way that God intended it... all these things He gives us because He is good and because He loves us and wants to see us happy and see us grow. What a wonderful God we serve.

And here I am, at 22, so blessed to have found this wonderful guy at the tender age of 13, standing on the brink of all of this wonderful-ness. I really can't express the kind of gratitude I have toward God for all of this. Ben is just one of the most unique people I've ever known. Everyone who knows him knows that there's just something about him that draws you in. I've known approximately 2 people in the entire history of our relationship that dealt with Ben on a daily basis and didn't like him, for whatever reason. I don't even know what it is. Sometimes Em and I look at each other when he's up to some sort of shenanigans and she asks me what the heck I'm doing with this guy... And really, it's hard to put my finger on what it is that "sold" me on Ben. He's like no other person on this planet, simply put. I can list reasons why I love him, but that wouldn't quite explain why I'm marrying him. It's a mystery :) LOL. Seriously though, he's just one of those people who, once you have him in your life, you can't imagine a day without him. He just makes everything better. He makes warmth a little warmer, light a little brighter, colors a little more vivid, laughter a little louder... corny as it sounds, that's the only way I can think of to describe what makes him so amazing to me. Life is just better when he's in the room. And I know I'm not the only one who thinks so (and I'm not just thinking of his mom). It's getting late, and I should be getting to bed. Tomorrow is FRIDAY, thank God, and I have a nice movie evening planned with my sweetie :) I love looking forward to those simple pleasures in life! That's what finding the right person does to you. I'll leave you with an old-school photo of Ben and I... I'm going to estimate that we're probably 17 and 15 in this one :) He'd kill me if he knew I was posting it, I'm sure :) Not that I look hot in it! HA!

Whew.

What a crazy weekend we had. Moving Ben's dad took ALLLLLL day Friday, and we still didn't get ALL of his stuff. The man is a serious pack-rat, and has been accumulating stuff in that apartment for 20 years. Every closet we opened was just FULL of random stuff, most of which we didn't know what to do with. Moving someone else is NOT easy. Normally when you help someone move you show up, load boxes, drive to the new place, unload boxes, and leave. We had to pack up his entire apartment, load it all up, drive, unload it all, and unpack it all. I can't believe we did it all in one day! Well, sorta. We still have some more stuff to go back for, but nothing that won't fit in our cars (no more U-HAUL, thank God), and we did have to go back on Saturday to continue unpacking. Being Valentines' Day, we all had to be leaving around 3:30 to get home, shower and go out for our respective V-day dinners.

Ben and I went to Johansson's in Westminster, which was delicious as always. It's become sort of a Valentines' Day tradition for us. We definitely went all-out: crap dip appetizer, salads, stuffed rockfish for both of us, coffee drinks (caramel Bailey's coffee for me and pumpkin spice liquer coffee for Ben) and dessert (for Ben - I was STUFFED). And of course I had a glass of wine with dinner :) Then we came back to my house (it's like 8:30 at this point), got into our PJ's, and watched Terminator 2 under the covers. We're always dying to just curl up in bed and watch a movie in the evenings but somehow it never seems to work out, so we were determined to make it happen for Valentines' day. As for gifts, we went completely un-romantic this year. I actually got him his gift about a month ago, because he needed it so badly. We decided that we both needed new running shoes for our hard-core gym sessions, so that's what we got each other :) Ben didn't have running shoes period (he was running in his big bulky Etnies on the treadmill - it was ridiculous), and mine were getting a little worn out. Plus I've been having knee pain on the treadmill and I really wanted to try a new pair with better cushioning to see if it would help. Anyway, he had to wait til payday to get mine, which was the Friday of the move, so needless to say we didn't get the chance to go get them BEFORE V-day. We went looking on Sunday at Arundel Mills mall (we looked in at least 5 stores) but I didn't see any that I was in love with. So we just got online and ordered some from Nike.com. We both got Nike's. I'm sorry if they use child labor, but Nike's are consistently the most comfortable running shoes I've ever owned. I tried on Under Armour's new running shoes - they suck. They look cool, but I didn't like the way they fit AT ALL. Oh well. I actually made his shoes with Nike ID, so I got to pick all the colors and stuff. I ended up running the design by him before ordering them. I really wanted to surprise him, but I figured if I was going to pay to customize them and they could be ANY color combination he wanted, I might as well make sure he loves them! Anyway, enough about running shoes.

Yesterday, Presidents' Day, we were both technically off work, but of course my hard-workin' fiance went in from 5am til 2 to make the overtime and holiday pay for the wedding. When he got home, we went to ARLINGTON to get a lift chair for his dad. We found it on craigslist, in GREAT shape, for $120. We couldn't pass it up, and we didn't want to let it sit til the weekend - we knew it would be gone. It's basically a power-assisted recliner than reclines and also helps stand the person up by lifting and tilting forward. Ben's dad has been having a hard time getting up and down, and he didn't have ANY chairs except his old dining set chairs - no couches or anything like that. In his old apartment he only had one room, so his bed was his couch. Anyway, we went and borrowed a pick-up truck, drove to Arlington, drove past home and on up to Westminster to unload it, back past home again to drop the truck off, and then finally back home - we got back after 10. Ugh. It was worth it though - it's a nice chair and his dad was really happy with it. The man doesn't get "excited" about much, so having him really like something (especially if he knows someone else bought it FOR him, heaven forbid!) is a big deal. So, all in all it was a successful day. Just a long one.

We didn't get to the gym much last week, unfortunately. We went Monday and Tuesday, but Wednesday something came up with me - I don't even remember now - and Thursday Ben was all pissed off and stressed out about the move so I took him out to dinner at PF Changs, and then the whole weekend was consumed in moving. I went yesterday while Ben was at work... WOW I was sucking wind. I'm hoping today will be a little better!

Oh, one other thing that happened sometime this weekend - who knows when - I bent my ring! The side-stones on either side of the center stone are mounted on pieces of gold that sorta float above the ring itself and don't quite attach to the center stone, and apparently I caught one of them on something because while we were out for our V-day dinner, I noticed that one of them was bent outward. Grr! We took it to Jared on Sunday but they couldn't do it same-day, so I have to go without it til THURSDAY! How horrifying. I HATE not having it on. How are people supposed to know that I'm engaged?!?! I've waited a long time for this, and now no one even knows. I like catching people checking out my beautiful ring on the metro, ya know? Damnit. Oh well, just two more days...

I think I'll go for now. But first, a shout out to all the new babies being born here lately... Two people I work with had babies today - Amy Swift had a little girl named Camryn (HOW CUTE IS THAT NAME?!?!). She was scheduled for a C-section the first week in March but her water broke this morning - oops! And Praveen Sethupathy's wife is currently in the process of having their baby girl today. And I'm sure that Laura Cooke is going to pop any moment now. So much excitement! And to my girl Martina, who got engaged on Friday - CONGRATS to everyone!

An Update

Things are happening around here :) Ben's dad is moving to an independent apartment of his own in a senior living complex in Westminster on Friday - very good news! I know he's going to be so much happier there, and I'm hoping that will lead to more consistently pleasant visits with his kids. It's been trying for everyone, and he's been a little more edgy and irritable for the past few weeks, which has made it even harder on Ben and his sisters. He's an extremely independent man forced into a situation where he relies on other people for EVERYTHING, and he was just bound to reach his breaking point somewhere along the line. I give him lots of credit for remaining relatively calm for so long and for most of the time, but lately it seems like he and the kids have been at odds more frequently, so this move is definitely coming right on time! He'll be close to Amberly so she can still be checking on him, and not too far from the other kids, at least for weekend visits and for helping him out with errands and stuff like that on the weekends. His physical and occupational therapists are very confident in his ability to be independent again, and he seems confident too, so we're all very optimistic. He has been forced to make a lot of life changes that should positively affect his health, so from here on out we're hoping for relatively smooth sailing, with a few adjustments and bumps along the way I'm sure :) But please keep him and the kids in your prayers! This will be yet another change to adjust to, and they'll still be needing lots of patience and perseverance in the weeks and months and years to come.

As for Ben and I, we recently decided to book a wedding photographer. Before you gasp and fall out of your chair thinking we weren't having a photographer... my maid of honor's mom is a professional sports photographer, and she had offered to do it for us. We were going to buy some prints from her and get a CD of everything to do our own printing also (my Dad has a nice photo printer and is also a photography nut). She had informed us that she didn't have what most people would consider a "full set" of wedding photography equipment, including a large flash for indoor work, but that everything should be fine as long as she didn't have to take large group photos or any other long-distance shots inside. Seemed ok to us - the reception is the only indoor part, and we'll be finished with the big group shots by then. But recently, she brought up another important point... that if it rains, EVERYTHING will have to be shot inside. I was just imagining myself in this scenario, already hysterical because it's raining on my wedding day and forcing us inside, and then having to worry that none of my photos would turn out quite right. Oh my. I felt incredibly guilty (and still do) turning down Janelle's parents' generous offer. They're such sweet, wonderful people and I know that they would've done their absolute best and poured their hearts into our wedding photos. But in the end, I decided that it was best for everyone involved if they didn't have to be subjected to that kind of pressure. I know how horrible they'd feel if the photos didn't turn out well, and of course how upset we'd be (not upset with them, but upset about the situation).

So, I started hunting around for a new photographer. My aunt's friend is a wedding photographer, but she works alone and Ben was really adamant about wanting two people shooting to make sure that we got everything. She would've given us a decent deal, but we found another photographer who was also willing to give us a GREAT deal, who works with an assistant. His name is Jamie Roberts, and he recently started his own company but has been doing weddings for 12 years. His work is just beautiful - he has a great eye and does really nice photojournalistic stuff. His shots of the details just blew me away, and his black and white work is just lovely. He was extremely flexible with us, and was willing to give us just the bare minimum of what we needed without asking us to buy extra prints or albums or anything. He's just covering the entire day for us (without a strict time constraint or anything) and giving us a DVD of everything with the rights to print. He said in a full day he usually takes 2 or 3 thousand photos, many of which will be duplicates or shots that were slightly out of focus or whatever, and that we'll probably have about 1200 shots, give or take, on our DVD after he edits out the junk. SWEET! We told him that we and our families would definitely buy some prints from him and that we'd like to get an album eventually, but that we just couldn't afford to build those things into our package at this point. We're only spending a few hundred dollars more that we would have been, but we're very relieved and it's totally worth it. And my Dad is gonig to help us pick up the slack in that regard, so we'll be ok. It just feels wonderful to not be worried about it at all! So, despite the fact that it's a little late in the game, we got lucky and it all worked out :)

Coming up this month, I'm meeting with the florist again to re-think my options without the crazy-expensive calla lilies (at least without so many of them), having a tasting at Turf Valley to decide on our menu, booking the rehearsal dinner, and hopefully meeting with our Pastor to go over our ceremony details. I knew February would be busy, but it doesn't seem like it's going to be too bad at this point. I'm starting to work on my vows, as well as thinking about the day-of itinerary and what needs to be taken care of and what duties need to be assigned. That's actually a big part of things that I hadn't put much emphasis on until now. Thank God for the knot checklist - I'd be lost without it! We've also started discussing dates for the shower and bachelorette party, which is VERY exciting! I can't wait!!!

Tomorrow is my mom's brithday, so we'll be going out to dinner with her after Ben spends the day starting to pack up his dad's old apartment for the move next week. I think we're going to the Cheesecake Factory... yummmm :) Anyway, Ben is at his house taking a shower and shaving his mountain-man face, and I'm supposed to be doing likewise (minus the face-shaving part!), and he's probably going to kill me when he gets here and I'm just getting into the shower because I was BLOGGING. So I'll let you all go.

Many reasons to feel better

Ben and I are both feeling a little better today, after spending Friday evening, most of Saturday, and all of Saturday evening IN BED. We watched several movies and lots of TV show episodes. All of the rest helped a lot, though. We usually just try to pretend we aren't sick and run around like crazy people anyway, but this time we actually gave R&R a chance, and it worked out pretty well :) We both have runny/plugged up noses (it varies from moment to moment - you know how it is), but other than that we're feeling pretty good.

I'm ALSO feeling good after recovering from the heart attack I had yesterday while doing my taxes. That's right, I do my own taxes. I am not afraid of the IRS and their 200-page instruction booklets! I've always done them myself, because my parents have always done theirs themselves. Really, people my age have nothing to fear - before you have dependents and a house or a business, it's really quite simple. Calculate income (probably just what's reported on your W-2), look up tax on that income level in tax table (instruction booklet, page 68), if tax is higher than what was taken out of your paychecks (also on your W-2), then you owe. If the opposite is true, you get a return. WAHOO! Since I'm on a fellowship, I get a "stipend" as opposed to "wages", and my stipend is taxable income, but it isn't taxed when it's given to me. And there's nothing I can do about it - if I could have taxes taken out, I WOULD. Every year since I started working there over the summers, I've gotten screwed at tax time. This past year I was there 6 months out of the year (as opposed to 2-3 months over the summer in previous years), so I made a lot more untaxed money to pay on. I've been putting money away based on estimates I did previously, but after doing my federal and state taxes yesterday evening, I was being robbed to the tune of $1800!!! I've put away $1200, and being in the throes of wedding planning, I do not have an extra $600 laying around! ACK!

So, as a wishful, desperate attmept to save my ass, I asked my dad if he was still claiming me as a dependent this year (I had assumed he was). When we looked up the guidlines on that, it turns out that he can't claim me because I wasn't a student at the end of 2008. Which means I can finally claim myself for the first time, which gives me a $3500 deduction on my federal taxable income, and a $3200 deduction on my state taxable income, which means I'm being taxed on that much LESS income for each. It brought the total that I owe to JUST below $1200! HOLLER! What a relief. Now I don't have to dress up as a blind person and sit outside the metro covered in tattered blankets with a coffee cup in one frost-bitten hand!

Well, we're going to Ron's this afternoon to NOT watch the Scat Bowl, and I need to get a shower. I also cannot sit in the kitchen typing any longer, because you-know-who is workin it out to Jane Fonda just to my right in the living room, in her spandex pants and sports bra. YEAH. BUH bye.

Perhaps I overestimated my immune system...

It finally got me. Ben's entire family has been sick off and on for the past month, and he and I thought we had escaped it. In fact, just a few days ago I was talking to his mom about how amazing it was that he and I had avoided it. But, as luck would have it, we BOTH started with it yesterday. He felt crappy from the time he got home from work - it didn't start for me until about 11 last night. My throat started feeling scratchy, and my head started feeling fuzzy, and my nose got all plugged... and now here I am. Ugh. I feel about the same today, except my head is pounding, too. I'm trying not to take any meds until I've been to the doctor - I'm going in this afternoon to get a strep test. Ben's family didn't have strep, but my supervisor at work did, so I want to check on that before the weekend so I can get started on an antibiotic if need be.

Ben, of course, went to work today despite feeling like "a hat full of smashed assholes" (his words, of course. Where did I find this guy???). That's what pisses me off about his leave plan at work. His sick leave and vacation time are all in one pool now, so he's not really given any allocated sick time. He feels like he can never miss a day of work because he'll have to use up his vacation time, which he needs to save for the wedding and the honeymoon and our July 4th trip and such. I really think that if you're sick and you get a doctor's note, it shouldn't be counted against you. If you can't produce a doctor's note, then fine - you lose the leave time. But people can't help it when they're sick, and the last thing we need is for sick people to be trudging to work anyway and infecting everyone else because they don't want to lose the leave - it's a public health issue. Not to mention that when people have kids, they're even less likely to take sick leave for themselves, thinking they need to save it up for when their kids get sick and need them. But do people with kids get extra sick leave? Of course not. The entire concept of an employer telling you how many days you're allowed to be sick per year has always boggled my mind. This is why, when I'm a doctor and I get burned out on seeing patients, I'm going to DC to work on health policy.

I'm in a different scenario because I'm not a government employee, I'm on a fellowship. I'm not really an "employee" of anyone. I don't accrue any kind of leave at all. Technically I'm allowed 2 weeks of leave per year as part of my stipend, plus travel time for interviews because I'm required to be applying to grad or med school as part of the position. So basically, what it boils down to is that I'm at the mercy of my boss when it comes to leave, and luckily my boss isn't a hard ass about that sort of thing. Lucky for me, since I used up those two weeks in my first month of work when I had pneumonia! I feel particularly guilty about being sick this week, because I already took Tuesday and Wednesday off because my car looked like a popsicle and my street was an ice rink. It's not like I'm in control of being sick, but I still feel bad. That's what the whole "accruing leave" system does to the psyche! Makes you feel guilty for being SICK! Ridiculous.

What really ticks me off about being sick is that I can't go work out. When you get into the habit of going, it's SO easy to keep it up! A nice long weekend of lounging on the couch and trying to get better is the PERFECT way to lose your motivation. Ben and I have been doing SO well, and I'm SO afraid this will ruin us! Last night at the gym, I was feeling GREAT on the treadmill - I was much less tired than usual and feeling like I was going to set a new personal record, but then my stomach started feeling like hell. I was so mad! Grr. Maybe if I just think really hard about getting better all day today, I'll get better faster :) I'm gonna go do that.

How to lose your ever-lovin' mind

I think I'm finally reaching the point that everyone warned me about, and I think it's FAR too early in the process for me to be here. Today, January 29th, is the official 4-month mark. Does this mean I have 4 months of teetering on the edge of insanity to look forward to? Does this mean that I have four months to actually fall over the edge INTO insanity? Doesn't that seem a little too probable? I mean, 120 days is a lot of days. I figure right now my chance of dropping off the edge is about 20% - each day when I wake up in the morning, there's a 1 in 5 chance that I'll completely lose it. That means that, of the 120 days left, 24 of them will probably be "nearing the edge" days. Flirting with the edge 24 times, I'd put my own money on the fact that I'll fall at some point. Call it what you will... falling over the edge, going "bakatatti" as my mother would say, going batty, losing it... whatever the colloquialism, it all spells doom for me.

EVERY DAY I find something to get nervous about. EVERY DAY. One day it's my gown, then it's the photography, or the size of the guest list, or someone making a scene after "tii-many martooni's" at the open bar, or the price of the tuxedos, or OMG what if it RAINS?!?!, or if I can afford to buy a veil and shoes and pretty flip flops and jewelry (which I didn't include in the budget, like an idiot), or if my pastor will be ordained by the wedding date (that's legitimate actually), or whether we can find dates for parties that ALL of my bridesmaids can attend, or if I'll actually be looking good for the wedding after all this working out... This is all SOOOOO STUUUPID!!! At least I can still see that - maybe I'm not as close to the edge as I think I am. My mom tells me not to worry, my dad rolls his eyes, Ben just completely doesn't understand what it is I'm worried about most of the time because it's something insignificant in his eyes... Em usually listens to me and sympathizes and tells me it's all going to be beautiful, which helps :) But, nonetheless, I wake up the next day with something else to obsess about. I think I need a massage or a hypnotist or something. I literally get OBSESSIVE about these things! I google them all day at work, I write e-mails and then stare at my inbox waiting for someone to reply... it's like I NEED to worry about things. What I NEED is a vacation!

I think I might be clinically obsessive about this wedding. I have GOT to find myself a diversion. Applying to medical school was helpful, but that's all but over now, and I'm at a loss. I guess when we start looking for a new place (in March) I'll have something else to worry about, and then we'll be painting and decorating and moving and shopping. I know work (like, WORK work) is going to pick up for me soon too, which *hopefully* will keep my mind occupied during the day. I'm also hoping that admitting this out loud will shame my subconscious into chilling the f*** OUT, before this gets out of hand and everyone starts truly believing that I've lost my ever-lovin' mind. THAT would be embarrassing...