really? REALLY?!?!

So I had quite a surreal experience at Hopkins yesterday! I really enjoyed the day, got to meet lots of students and ask lots of questions, and my interviews went amazingly well. It was not at all what I expected! I went into it knowing that I really loved UMD, so I was probably making unfair comparisons all day (for instance, UMD hospital is newer and prettier than most parts of Hopkins, but the long-standing tradition and reputation of Hopkins sorta precludes much "newness" - of course its buildings are old!). I left at the end of the day essentially feeling excited about my interviews, but a little indifferent about the school itself. Now I'm a little lost!

It started with an orientation from the asst dean of admissions, who was very nice, normal and conversational. Then we went to lunch, where we were split into tables that each had a student and a faculty member to chat with, which was nice. I got to ask lots of questions and get some real insight on what it's like to be there and to learn there. Then our student took us on a tour, all over the place (it's a rather LARGE campus). We didn't see any patient areas, which was disappointing, but I guess most hospitals look the same in that regard. We saw their brand new simulation center (with full-equipped operating rooms, emergency rooms, clinic rooms, and lots of simulator dummies of every age that they can essentially simulate any medical problem on, realistically). We watched part of a simulation that a group of ER clerkship students was doing, which was pretty cool. They were all laughing about how clueless and confused they were, as was their professor, as they tried to treat the patient and communicate with the fake operating room people who would be taking the patient next. It was pretty interesting! We also got to see their medical school building and classrooms, but they're building a brand new medical education building that will open in Fall '09 (when I would potentially be starting), so that was a little irrelevant to me I guess. I'm glad they're building a new one - the old one was a little, well, OLD. We got to see the historic part of the hospital also, which was cool. You can't help feeling different when you're there - there's just something about being at Hopkins. All the history, all the discoveries and leaps in science that have been made there, all the respect it commands all over the world... it's hard to describe how I felt, and how I sensed that everyone else felt, while I was there. I could even see it in the students. They weren't super-serious or full of themselves or anything, I think they just seemed aware of where they were, and of how important the place is, and of the advantage that it's going to give them. They were all very nice, normal people, laughing with each other about funny clinical experiences and asking us interviewees lots of questions about ourselves and being very engaged in conversation.

After the tour, we came back to the admissions waiting area where more students were waiting for us - some to interview us, some to hang out and chat with us while interviews were going on. My first interview was a student. She was very nice and we had a great conversation, but she also seemed very aware of the importance of what she was doing and how important this was to me. Which was nice, considering my last student interview experience was not so great (at Drexel, they had random volunteer students who interviewed us DURING lunch - as in answering questions between bites - and mine was a first year. Really, she'd been there about a month and a half, so how much information is she going to be able to give me, and how much insight does she have on what it takes to do well in medical school, that she should be evaluating me?!?! I was pissed.). But yeah, at Hopkins my student interviewer basically asked me all the questions I felt most comfortable answering (the ones that I've gotten many times and have prepared well for), so I think it went very well.

So this is where my day got crazy, and where the title of this post came from. My next interviewer was on older woman who had attended Hopkins herself and was a retired pediatrician working for the admissions committee. She was SO sweet - I could tell by the way she greeted me that it would be a comfortable interview. I didn't know it would be quite as comfortable as it was, though! She started by asking me about why I want to practice medicine (another question I'm very well rehearsed in answering), about my extra-curriculars and about my family - again, all things I'm very comfortable taking about. I got lots of opportunities to deliver my best lines. Then she asked if there was anything else I'd like to tell her to help her make her case to the rest of the committee, because she was very satisfied and impressed with my application and very excited to present me to the committee and she wanted to know anything and everything there was to know that might help her (at which point my jaw hit the floor). She even gave me her e-mail address in case I thought of anything else later! So I explained that I think that I am by temperament a particularly caring, compassionate, empathetic person, which is something that I think is unique among people that come from my research-heavy, scientific background. She agreed and said that came through beautifully in my application because I "write extremely well" and I described several situations that illustrated that. When she asked if I had any questions for her, we ended up in a conversation about how her career evolved and how she balanced work and family (she has 3 children), which was very encouraging for me since that's by far my biggest concern going forward with all this. She said she'd e-mail me a link to the blog of a colleague of hers at Hopkins who has young children now and talks about being a mom and a doctor. So sweet! She said it would be "easy" for me, because I'm "organized, aggressive, a leader not a follower" and that I'd do wonderfully. That conversation ended with her adding "If... well I won't say 'if', WHEN you get in, we can discuss these things further" (By this point, my jaw is completely detached and laying there on the desk in front of me). I left her office - after profusely thanking her for her compliments and her insights - wondering "really? did that really just happen?" sorta like I felt when I got the interview invitation in the first place - like I must have been dreaming.

I was expecting these interviews to be more intense, more scrutinizing, and more uncomfortable than anything I'd experienced so far, but I was obviously very pleasantly surprised! It was unreal! I found myself in the middle of the interview, before she got into telling me how enthused she was about my application, thinking about how important it was and how these moments were determining my future in SO many ways... and no sooner had I had those thoughts, then she completely threw me for a loop. Apparently I had already done what I needed to do. Looking back, working so hard for this really sucked, but I never thought it would actually be enough to get me here. Not that I'm in yet - I have a very enthusiastic advocate on the committee, but there are lots of other people that are just as qualified that the entire committee will have to choose between. But at least I know I have a legitimate shot at this. God is good, isn't He?!

As for my feelings about the school itself, I left yesterday still a little unsure of how I felt. I wasn't blown away but I didn't dislike it either - I was hoping to have strong feelings one way or the other. It's in a crappy part of the city, but then again most medical schools are - Maryland is in a nicer area but there are still not-so-nice streets nearby. It's VERY lecture-heavy, which one student actually did criticize - it doesn't seem like they care much about small group learning, which UMD puts more emphasis on (though I'm not sure if small-group learning would be best for me - I do tend to do well with lecture learning, but 5 to 8 hours of lecture a day seems a little daunting to me!). They calculate rent costs for your first year on a room in their residence hall which is about $450 a month, so the living expenses allowance for first year is quite low (much higher at UMD across all 4 years). That's essentially all borrowed money, so taking out less for living expenses is probably better in the long run, but if Ben and I need it to stay afloat, I'd like to have the option! So there are a few things that are holding me back from loving it. I just didn't feel as excited about Hopkins as I did about Maryland. It seems absurd to choose UMD over Hopkins if I were to get into both, but I don't know... it just might be better for me. It's going to be a really tough choice if I'm forced to make a choice. I'll be doing lots of praying.